I have a radical thought here: why doesn't LW do the same thing that millions of other people do every day, and just bite her tongue on occasion? Yes, yes - I know: history of abuse, and her MIL is horrible, and passive-agressive blah blah blah. But, seriously - isn't it possible just to shut up and accept that life isn't "perfect" all of time?

I mean, c'mon - her (admittedly uneducated) MIL confuses the "Nobel Peace Prize" with the "Nobel Prize for Science". Okay - so, she's a proud, beaming mother -- do you *HAVE* to open your mouth and correct her when she's talking to other people? Do you think the people the MIL is talking to really care (or even acknowledge) the difference between the two? Couldn't you just let the MIL enjoy her maternal pride?

Yes - her MIL is a difficult person. Guess what - so are almost all of my in-laws, who are, by large, uneducated blue-collar semi-racist rednecks. And yet I find myself harboring no fantasies of causing them serious harm, and somehow I am able to get through the holiday visits, simply because I know when to keep my mouth shut and avoid useless arguments. It seems to me that most salon.com visitors would benefit from this kind of stoicism.

There's no point in fighting when she can't control the situation but she should try to arrange things whenever possible so that she can stand up to her and make it work. When she can there is no reason why she should compromise to spare anyones feelings or try to help everyone get along. This is one of the situations where, so to speak, "force is all they understand" She has to set up her battles carefully though.

I don't believe that this letter writer is completely honest with herself. The mother-in-law is not the problem-- her unresolved relationship with her own mother, and father, are. The letter writer's description of her childhood is horrifying--yet she claims she has moved on, forgiven the criminally abusive parents, is still in touch. I simply don't believe it. What I suspect is that she is so damaged by this horrifying childhood that she has not moved on, rather she has found a way to emotionally survive the trauma by channeling her outrage and sense of betrayal to her mother-in-law. I read nothing that the mother-in-law did that couldn't have been handled with a simple refusal: "Mom, the doctor insists i take bedrest for a few more days. i've just had a c-section." Nothing this mother-in-law has done is as ghastly as the beating, kicking (!?!) and vicious mental torment the letter writer suffered for her entire childhood and teens at the hands of the people who brought her into the world and were supposed to protect and cherish her. So why doesn't she have fantasies of violent death and punishment about her own mother? And why SO concerned that her mother might have been hurt in a school shooting? Maybe the letter writer is secretly hoping that her mother was indeed shot and killed in the shooting--unable to deal with these murderous feelings, the letter writer then becomes the opposite--VERY CONCERNED that her mother is really alive and well. Maybe the mother-in-law just didn't want to get sucked into the letter writer's delusional psychodrama of fake concern about her own crappy mother. I believe that this letter writer is desperately in need of serious longterm counseling. I also don't believe that the letter writer's husband had such a perfect Cleaver family childhood. If he had, he might have chosen a healthier wife. This writer needs serious help fast, before she starts to turn her rage inward or even worse, towards her child, when the child starts to exhibit independence, temper tantrums, or any other qualities which might set her off.

I don't doubt that the mother-in-law is a pain in the neck, but the real problem here is so much more serious than that.

I had a similar MIL experience to the LW, one that was complicated by years of linguistic misunderstandings since my husband and I come from different countries/languages/backgrounds. Things didn't get better once she realized she couldn't get rid of me, they just got worse. Many of the same jealousy issues mentioned by other writers here were also involved. She didn't speak to me for 3 months when we announced we were getting married (no great loss, of course) and didn't attend the wedding.

Against that history, I agree with the advice of many of the writers here who advocate learning the word 'no' without being mean or aggressive, clarifying the extent of the abuse to the husband (who may genuinely not be able to confront his 'perfect' mother or even see that anything is very wrong), and gaining some distance.

I have two things to add:

1. After the long process of learning compassion for both her and myself, my MIL have what I would consider to be an excellent relationship now, after 20 years of interaction. I drew limits, she has learned to respect them. I bite my tongue when she makes stupid comments, she usually apolgizes later (!). It took her awhile to find out she didn't have to scratch my eyes out to keep her son on her side - we could share him. It turned out she actually has some experience of great value to share with me, and I have some to share with her. Good thing we didn't stop talking.

2. Future mother-in-laws of the world, take heed - this LW could be writing about you in just these terms in the not-too-distant-future. So if the MIL sounds crazy, just remember, she thinks the same thing about the LW. One person's insane MIL is another person's caring mother whose son was stolen away by a harpy. So look back, remember this poor daughter-in-law's letter, and don't become 'that' MIL.

She forgave the mother who abused her as a powerless child but imagines violent death for the mother in law who merely annoys her as a powerful adult.

That scares me. I think therapy would be a great idea.