There are some things that trouble me about this letter. What I read in this letter is a lot of extreme language: everyone is either a saint or an agent of the devil. No real marriage is "perfect," and no real child is, either. Marriages and children are always human and flawed.

I am puzzled that the cruel, foolish, ignorant MIL pictured is the same one who was the mother in a family scene comparable to the Cleavers.

My own family background is troubled, and the language of extremes is familiar to me. I used to think in patterns much like the ones I see in this poor woman's letter, and I had to learn some new ways of thinking before I could be happy. I was accustomed to being around abusive people, and I had to learn that it was safe to use words like "no." I had to learn how to participate in the ordinary give-and-take of a normal family; I tended to see abuse where there was none, because that was what I was used to seeing.

I might add that I confused the heck out of a lot of people who were neither perfect nor evil, just human and fallible. Cary's suggestion of counseling is a good one. Whatever MIL is like, the letter was written by a woman in pain who needs some new options.

...from the letter-writers, and I will add my 2 cents.

1. Do learn how to say No, and follow it up with crisp, but non-abusive action. ("I'm going to bed. Please feel free to order out. I know my husband wants to spend more time with you. Good Night")

2. Don't make your husband choose sides between you and your MIL. This is the death-knell for a perfect marriage. Especially since he had such a loving childhood, he will want to side with his mom and you will look like the villain. This has ended two marriages in my family.

3. Don't complain about her to your kids either, as they grow up. Kids will find out by themselves.

4. Find some area of common interest. If there is none, create one. Knitting, cooking, tv shows. She is, as others have mentioned, threatened by you. This is true of most mothers-in-law, by the way, no matter how educated. She would love the attention and this little thing will make a big difference in her attitude.

If the above doesn't help:

5. Move a little farther away (or alot farther) and that way her visits will be fewer and more planned. Keep them busy sightseeing or other activities away from the house and she will be less involved in your domain. Catering/take-out/restaurants help avoid conflicts over tasks in the house.

6. Get a house without a guest room, if all else fails.

Mothers-in-law are Forever. Good Luck.

As an abuse survivor, LW might not be aware how important it is for her to feel safe and secure in her own home. I suspect that's why she reacts as she does to her MIL. It's vital to LW's emotional well-being for her to learn to set hard and fast rules and to be willing to enforce her boundaries. It's going to require an adjustment in thinking, but LW needs a place where she feels safe and she seems to be the only person in her life who is going to make that happen.

She's got a bad combination here, a MIL who denigrates her at every turn and an apparently ineffectual momma's boy of a husband who tolerates his mother's denigration of his wife by pretending not to notice.

Cary gave de rigeur 12-Step program advice about not changing anyone but ourselves. It's generally good advice for who are having relationship problems, but I don't believe it applies to LW's situation. In this case, LW is dealing with a disruptive and disrespectful tyrant who apparently believes she has some sort of God-given right to invade LW's home and disrupt her life.

LW doesn't need to change her MIL, she needs to get mean enough to make the old biddy understand there are rules and that infractions have consequences.

I agree with those who have already said that the husband needs to take an active role - and I really liked the perspective of the person who said that that doesn't mean he has to start hating his mother, just that he must support his wife.

We've seen marriages fall apart all around us because men failed to adequately separate themselves from their birth families in their allegiances and 'cleave to' (to use the Biblical language) their wives. A wife needs to know that she comes first, and a mother-in-law who tries to push in between husband and wife needs to be gently but firmly told 'No'.

I guess the challenge I see is that this is not something that can simply be told to the husband - or even worse, something he can be nagged and accused about. It's something he has to come to see for himself. Talking about it can be part of that, but there has to be some willingness there...

I'd encourage the letter writer not to make it about complaints about the mother-in-law at all: us boys gotta protect our Mums when they're under attack. Instead, it has to be about how great the marriage is, and how that needs to be his *first* priority... but it doesn't mean his mother is off the list entirely.

That united front will make moving toward some common courtesies - not turning up uninvited, handing back the baby appropriately and so on - much more possible. He can tell his Mum things that his wife can't as easily, and can refuse to answer the repeated question, saying "{wife's name} just told you that, Mum".

The guy needs to step up... and maybe having him read some of these letters is a way to approach it?

Cary's core advice is sound, but misses some essential aspects. I agree that if ML behavior is as rude and invasive as depicted, then something is wrong with the husband's lack of support.

But where were the writer's boundaries to say no to ML demands if they were outrageous at Thanksgiving. " Too bad mom, I just gave birth. Find a good hotel and go out. Or we eat Chinese." If that creates tension with husband, then the marraige is not so idyllic. Or, "no more unannounced mother's day visits". Etc.

Part of Cary's advice would be to point out that "changing oneself" also means establishing healthy respect for oneself and saying "no".

But we see this through DL lens. The truth might lie somewhere between. But DL has enabled ML and needs to put foot down where appropriate. The smaller slights should be ignored. The really egregious ones? No.