Letters to the Editor
-
The husband is a BIG part of the problem
... as is the LW's apparent inability to say "no." No one MADE you prepare a Thanksgiving dinner 3 days after a C-section. And your husband is an ass for tolerating his mother's treatment of you. Say no, tell him he needs to start standing up for you, and watch your anger dissipate, as if by magic. It will become HER problem, if she doesn't like it when you want to hold your own child... HER problem, if she can't have Thanksgiving dinner when she wants it... HER problem, if she can't see that you are indeed a PhD with your own family. Sheesh. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but the first thing to do is address your husband's lack of "stance." Not acceptable.
Maybe therapy would help you let go of the anger, but so would standing up for yourself, and getting your husband to stand up for his wife, too. :)
-
Sympathy and Empathy
Oh my sweet, I feel your pain - I have a mother-in-law with a similar bushel of "issues". Take the usual pile of issues with daughters-in-law - you took away her darling boy, you're not as good a mother as she was, you're modern and suspicious and probably don't know how to maintain the home that her darling boy deserves - and add deep unhappiness in her own marriage and the fact that the mother had her son very young and has always relied on him as a confidante and friend. Oh, and add a history of severe depression, passive aggression and fits of rage. It is a snarl that will probably never untangle. And while I don't have a background of abuse to overcome, here are the ingredients of how I "deal":
1) I made sure my husband understood exactly how his mother made me feel sometimes - believe it or not, this loving man just didn't see it and was shocked when I laid it out for him. He must be on your side - you cannot do this alone. You can't change her, but you can change him. He doesn't have to start hating her, he just needs to know that he needs to support you and help the situation. It sounds like he is a non-entity right now, and he needs to be involved.
2) I thought very hard about her - and delved into my deepest place of empathy. I thought about how few choices she had and how her life starting so young, how she might look at our happiness, and our options and feel her heart break with envy and the waste of her own life. I thought about how she was probably told repeatedly by her own parents that she was "too much trouble", but how her brothers and sisters still rely on her mercilessly. How much she relied on my husband for support, how much she is terrified that I will cut her out of our lives, and out of the life of her grandchildren. I think about that fear and frustration, and I wonder if I would be at my best if I were carrying all that weight.
Learning to to set a few boundaries is a necessity (that Thanksgiving story is *insane*) and getting your husband to more supportive place is a necessity. But when I can really channel empathy, that is the one true balm. I can't do every single time, but I'm getting better.
-
She's not crazy, and she doesn't have to change
I could swear Invisible had my EX-mother-in-law. That's right, I chose to leave, the MIL wasn't the only area where my ex-hubby was spineless.
Listen up, Cary. Pop psychology often goes the way of the weasel. Yes, the writer's abusive childhood plays a part, it will always play a part of all of her reactions, all the time, every time, and an emotionally abusive, albeit a more passive/aggressive/insecure form of abuse in her life in the form of her mother-in-law just shows how far she's come in confronting it. She actually forgives her own parents. However, it's turned up again in another parent figure. Why is that so surprising?
I think the writer is and has been INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL at turning around her past, and should be acknowledged for such. It's not acceptable to say she can't change the other half of this scenario, and that she's going to have to change her reaction. It's a dynamic after all, and one part changes the other.
In my humble opinion, I think she could find a way to confront the MIL and tell her to stop specific behaviors and outline the consequences if she doesn't stop. Ideally, her husband should be enlisted in support, but if he's like my Ex, he may say he doesn't witness or understand the problem and therefore can't help. But for her own peace of mind, she needs to pick her battles and stand her ground. If not, this woman is going to delicately step all over her and continue the doormat treatment for the rest of her life while she's always Queen for a Day, EveryDay.
I put up with this for almost twenty years before leaving. In retrospect, every day I learn about new areas of myself which I compromised for keeping peace in my marriage. I wish someone had had the guts to tell me it didn't have to be that way, but in my own defense, my own mom had literally died the week before I met my future husband.
The mother-in-law is incredibly insecure and threatened by the writer's strength and achievements, not just professionally, but also in having had the temerity to marry her son and have his child! She needs to be told to back off and learn to respect the writer as an individual, who's strong and loving and is the real mother of her grandchild!
-
know your audience
making demands of the MIL won't work. Why? Because the LW is the problem in the first place. The problem can't make demands. Hubby here needs to speak up.
To be honest, I am suspicious about LW's comments that this is a "perfect" marriage. In a "perfect" marriage, I would imagine that your spouse would know about your feelings and would work to support them. Successful careers don't mean shit if your spouse doesn't think you're the most special thing in the world and isn't willing to stand in the line of fire for you. I don't mean to sound snotty, but what kind of hubby *lets* you get up three days after a c-section, let alone cook Turkey dinner? Are his hands broken?
And another way to sympathize with MIL is to recognize her role in creating the husband you love so much. Her time, effort, and energy went into providing him with something that you are now the beneficiary of--so that's at least one reason to respect the crazy lady.