Letters to the Editor
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Cary Talks Too Much & Says Too Little
"I think Mr. Tennis said so much, so vaguely, that what he wrote doesn't add up to a hill of beans, just a hill of psychobabble."
XYLU expressed precisely what I think about 99 percent of Cary Tennis's columns. Apparently, he's a frustrated novelist, or something, and thinks every word he writes is golden. But what the man truly, desparately needs is an editor!
Or, maybe what he really needs is a new job. Many of the posts in this (and other Cary-related forums on Salon) provide better, more succinct, and more easily-acted-upon advice than he does. So, why does Salon need him at all? Why not just have a forum where people can send in letters asking for advice, and then let Salon readers have at it? Sure, you'd get some conflicting opinions and some dreck, but it would all average out and provide a consensus that would make sense -- all the benefits of an advice column without Cary's tedious writing, at no cost to Salon.
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I think the LW is the problem, not the MIL
They show up for Thanksgiving. Most new grandmothers want to HELP, so she probably expected to be told what to do. Instead, LW cooks it herself. Control freak much?
SHe won't hand over the baby (my mother did this one). Grandmothers LOVE holding babies. That's pretty common. Don't ask, just take. That's why LW is the mother. Or enjoy the fact that someone els IS taking care of the baby, and be grateful.
She's vapid because Miss Holier Than Thou PhD (I have a PhD, too, so I get to say this) is too obnoxious to understand there are many type of intelligence. She's also too insecure to acknowledge that many things give us worth, not just our degrees. This MIL raised her perfect husband. Talk about his childhood, ask about her history.
The DIL is displacing anger on her MIL. It reminded my of the Waldman piece from a few weeks ago, where she built a competition with her mother in law out of thin air. DIL needs some therapy.
The MIL is acting the way grandmothers do. This LW is controlling, insecure, and to be honest, ugly in her need to be on top. That probably explains why people are siding with the mother in law. That REALLY explains why the HUSBAND is siding with his mother.
I love my MIL. She made an effort to get to know me, and I her. We are in entirely different professions, with different educations, and experiences. The difference is, I am interested in her profession, her experiences, her judgement, and her love. I understand that what she does is done out of love, and I don't take little cultural things so seriously. I have a good relationship with her. DIL could do the same, if she could take the stick out of her butt and aim it at her own abusive mother, who she speaks of not at ALL. THAT's telling. Either her mother is behaving perfectly (HAH-doubt it) or it's ok for HER family to be putzes. Her silence is telling.
LW, shut up and go to a therapist.
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My MIL is responsible 4 my current Divorce
I am with you...Cary. I also after having twins to a C-section lost in France with no family, friends and had to live with the MIL. had to clean cook serve my husband and hers all whilst taking care of my first children around the clock.
Shes a Freakin Bitch who is one of the largest reasons I am now in not just a divorce but a Messy one. Whilst insulting and critizing every move I make she is hurting her son but after 6 years he can't handle it and is now running into Mummys pathetic wide open arms. And apart from our own marital problems we can trace nearly every single one of our problems back to her.
BITCH,BITCH BITCH
And yes Im angry, Im angry at her but angry at my soon to be ex for not being a man or man enough to take charge of his life without running into the arms of his manipulating, nasty, lying pyscopathic mother. I am an extremly nice person who alot of people like instantly but WHOO HOO HOO, not her.. WOW this feels good. Im not good enough, Oh screw it shes not worth the effort... See ya
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Me too!
Dear Invisible Daughter-in-law,
I do not know if you will ever see this post because you wrote your letter a long time ago. I hope and pray that you do. Because, your background and the terrible problems that you are having with your MIL are shockingly similar to what I am dealing with.
Yes, I too have a MIL that expected me to wait on her hand and foot while she monopolized my baby after I had given birth by C-section. According to my MIL, I did not have a real birth-so I was not entitle to the care that a normal woman should get after going through childbirth. My MIL also has put me through public humiliation, intellectual, and emotional abuse to control me and to cause difficulties in my marriage. My MIL does not have much formal education. She does not need it. She is an alcoholic and I suspect that she is bipolar. She is also a mastermind at controlling her family through a combination of intellectual abuse and emotional abuse. The way that she abusively controls her four children has driven: two of her children to divorce, a total of three times now; one child has never dared marry; and her meddling in my marriage made my husband suicidal. Her behavior is the “pink elephant” in this family. They ALL talk about and BELIEVE that they are the perfect family because she brainwashed them into this belief when they were children. Any time that the children complained, she withdrew all care, so they learned to maintain the pretence that their life was perfect, so that they would survive childhood. To this day, none of her family would ever dare whisper that anything that she said was not perfect out of fear of what she might do. So, they smile, laugh, and pretend that everything is fine.
With my background of having nearly no family, I was desperate to belong to a family. I thought that there must be something that I was doing wrong to make her so hateful to me. I also thought that there must be something wrong with me, since everyone else seemed to think that she was perfect. Nobody else seemed to think that she was mean. I looked at my accomplishments, how I had treated this family, and wondered what did I do wrong? What do I need to fix? This question and my husband’s dangerously deep depression led me to a wonderful Christian family councilor that helped my husband recover and is teaching us how to protect ourselves and our marriage from his family’s toxic influence. It also led me to join Alanon.
If it was not for our councilor and Alanon, I believe that I would be divorced or a widow. So, I strongly urge you to look for support from a good family councilor (they specialize in dealing with relationship related problems) and Alanon. They understood what I was going through and gave me the help I needed.
Been there, done that…
Ann