I have a radical thought here: why doesn't LW do the same thing that millions of other people do every day, and just bite her tongue on occasion? Yes, yes - I know: history of abuse, and her MIL is horrible, and passive-agressive blah blah blah. But, seriously - isn't it possible just to shut up and accept that life isn't "perfect" all of time?

I mean, c'mon - her (admittedly uneducated) MIL confuses the "Nobel Peace Prize" with the "Nobel Prize for Science". Okay - so, she's a proud, beaming mother -- do you *HAVE* to open your mouth and correct her when she's talking to other people? Do you think the people the MIL is talking to really care (or even acknowledge) the difference between the two? Couldn't you just let the MIL enjoy her maternal pride?

Yes - her MIL is a difficult person. Guess what - so are almost all of my in-laws, who are, by large, uneducated blue-collar semi-racist rednecks. And yet I find myself harboring no fantasies of causing them serious harm, and somehow I am able to get through the holiday visits, simply because I know when to keep my mouth shut and avoid useless arguments. It seems to me that most salon.com visitors would benefit from this kind of stoicism.

Cary's core advice is sound, but misses some essential aspects. I agree that if ML behavior is as rude and invasive as depicted, then something is wrong with the husband's lack of support.

But where were the writer's boundaries to say no to ML demands if they were outrageous at Thanksgiving. " Too bad mom, I just gave birth. Find a good hotel and go out. Or we eat Chinese." If that creates tension with husband, then the marraige is not so idyllic. Or, "no more unannounced mother's day visits". Etc.

Part of Cary's advice would be to point out that "changing oneself" also means establishing healthy respect for oneself and saying "no".

But we see this through DL lens. The truth might lie somewhere between. But DL has enabled ML and needs to put foot down where appropriate. The smaller slights should be ignored. The really egregious ones? No.

I agree with those who have already said that the husband needs to take an active role - and I really liked the perspective of the person who said that that doesn't mean he has to start hating his mother, just that he must support his wife.

We've seen marriages fall apart all around us because men failed to adequately separate themselves from their birth families in their allegiances and 'cleave to' (to use the Biblical language) their wives. A wife needs to know that she comes first, and a mother-in-law who tries to push in between husband and wife needs to be gently but firmly told 'No'.

I guess the challenge I see is that this is not something that can simply be told to the husband - or even worse, something he can be nagged and accused about. It's something he has to come to see for himself. Talking about it can be part of that, but there has to be some willingness there...

I'd encourage the letter writer not to make it about complaints about the mother-in-law at all: us boys gotta protect our Mums when they're under attack. Instead, it has to be about how great the marriage is, and how that needs to be his *first* priority... but it doesn't mean his mother is off the list entirely.

That united front will make moving toward some common courtesies - not turning up uninvited, handing back the baby appropriately and so on - much more possible. He can tell his Mum things that his wife can't as easily, and can refuse to answer the repeated question, saying "{wife's name} just told you that, Mum".

The guy needs to step up... and maybe having him read some of these letters is a way to approach it?

As an abuse survivor, LW might not be aware how important it is for her to feel safe and secure in her own home. I suspect that's why she reacts as she does to her MIL. It's vital to LW's emotional well-being for her to learn to set hard and fast rules and to be willing to enforce her boundaries. It's going to require an adjustment in thinking, but LW needs a place where she feels safe and she seems to be the only person in her life who is going to make that happen.

She's got a bad combination here, a MIL who denigrates her at every turn and an apparently ineffectual momma's boy of a husband who tolerates his mother's denigration of his wife by pretending not to notice.

Cary gave de rigeur 12-Step program advice about not changing anyone but ourselves. It's generally good advice for who are having relationship problems, but I don't believe it applies to LW's situation. In this case, LW is dealing with a disruptive and disrespectful tyrant who apparently believes she has some sort of God-given right to invade LW's home and disrupt her life.

LW doesn't need to change her MIL, she needs to get mean enough to make the old biddy understand there are rules and that infractions have consequences.

...from the letter-writers, and I will add my 2 cents.

1. Do learn how to say No, and follow it up with crisp, but non-abusive action. ("I'm going to bed. Please feel free to order out. I know my husband wants to spend more time with you. Good Night")

2. Don't make your husband choose sides between you and your MIL. This is the death-knell for a perfect marriage. Especially since he had such a loving childhood, he will want to side with his mom and you will look like the villain. This has ended two marriages in my family.

3. Don't complain about her to your kids either, as they grow up. Kids will find out by themselves.

4. Find some area of common interest. If there is none, create one. Knitting, cooking, tv shows. She is, as others have mentioned, threatened by you. This is true of most mothers-in-law, by the way, no matter how educated. She would love the attention and this little thing will make a big difference in her attitude.

If the above doesn't help:

5. Move a little farther away (or alot farther) and that way her visits will be fewer and more planned. Keep them busy sightseeing or other activities away from the house and she will be less involved in your domain. Catering/take-out/restaurants help avoid conflicts over tasks in the house.

6. Get a house without a guest room, if all else fails.

Mothers-in-law are Forever. Good Luck.