There seems to be a lot of hostility in some of these letters towards Cary's advice and I am not entirely sure why. Even if the MIL is completely out of line and the LW's point of view is not exagerrated, Cary has the right idea. You cannot change how someone else behaves or characterizes a situation. No amount of baby grabbing or spiteful behavior by the LW will improve the family situation. In fact, it is likely to escalate the manipulative behavior and put the husband in an even more difficult position.

If the LW has the chance to work through her own stuff she may get to a point where she can approach the MIL from a place of strength rather than a defensive posture. I agree that she should not allow the MIL to bully her but wouldn't it be healthier for her to stand up for herself in a mature, confident way rather than reacting with rage or fear? (Which would only play into the MIL's scenario) Choosing to face her own issues will help the LW in more situations than this one, especially if she is raising her own children. Marks from an abusive childhood rarely heal without assistance and I am surprised Cary suggested she get that assistance drew so much ire.

It seems to me that there are two problem areas: the MIL and the DIL.

Hardly surprising, the MIL carries a lot of swing weight within her family and that swing weight is compounded by the inherent power of being a "helpless" little old lady. Confronting a LOL over anything is hazardous in our society; confronting a LOL MIL over off-handed sleights at a family gathering is pointless and foolish. As Cary pointed out, you're not going to fix MIL and you're never going to dissipate the power a LOL has gathered over a lifetime. It came as a shock to me to learn that a LOL MIL can seem sweet, caring and fragile while swinging an iron fist. The results can vary from personally painful to damaging and destructive to a marriage, all depending on how the target reacts. Personally, it helped me to recognize that frail and helpless LOLs are rarely either and that I can't (and shouldn't) change that. From that recognition and having given up any notion of fixing anything, I find myself more often amused than hurt or angered by her ability to manipulate the kids. And she really is a sweet LOL.

The other problem area is how the DIL deals with the abuse. As Cary well pointed out, this is the area under her control.

From the letter, it seems that DIL takes the MIL issues and makes them her own. If DIL, in turn, makes some of them her husband's, what should have gone out the door with the MIL's departure now becomes something broken within the marriage that burdens both husband and wife. Therein lies real danger. Speaking from first hand experience, the long term effects are corrosive. And, adding insult to injury, the son is probably less qualified to deal with MIL than the DIL; he is, after all, his mother's son and MIL (not being quite as "helpless" as she seems) can and will deflect his concerns without effort.

In the end, I think there are two things the DIL can master. One is to give up being sensitive over the things you can do nothing about (Dr. and Mrs., for example, isn't an issue worth any effort; smile (or smirk) about it and move on). The other, as stated by many letters, is to learn to say NO (no you may not continue to hold the baby, no I'm not going to fix dinner, no you may not join us for Mother's Day). More than that, I don't think you can do.

R

There's a big difference between 1) Not standing up for yourself when you know you're capable of doing it but choose not to because you want to pick your battles. and 2) Not standing up for yourself because you're intimidated by the other person and desperately need to work on your assertiveness skills.

If the person in question is in position #2, just telling them to suck it up is not going to help. They haven't reached the level of confidence where they can do so in a healthy manner, unless that is they're wise enough to say to themselves "Hey, right now this person intimidates me, but I'm gonna work on being able to act more assertively and in the future people like that will not intimdate me."

My mother-in-law has been the main problem in my eight-year marriage. Talking to loads of people, and hearing what my own mother says about my brother's wife (her daughter-in-law), I've realized that it is an impossible relationship. The same bad dynamics are present with friends of mine who were set up by the man's mother! Step 1 is accepting the impossibility of it. The key to relating at all is that the husband has to be 100% in the wife's corner.

My husband and I went to boatloads of couples therapy, and finally he got it: marriage means the spouse is your #1 priority. Period. The kid(s) is #2, and everything else is far, far behind.

When I had a baby, and my MIL tried to take over and undermine me, I insisted that my husband kick her out. The fact that he did it, despite his thinking she was wonderful with the baby, meant everything to me. The MIL will change, but only if *someone she respects*, i.e., not the DIL whose opinion she doesn't care about, reads her the riot act.