This MIL sounds very like mine. No one ever called her on her bad behavior and so the new in laws (married to her children) had to put up with a lot of BS. Each of us dealt with it in our own way. After 20 years we ignore her. I mean actively. We all just spent Christmas together for the first time in about 20 years. I realized after I left that I had said nothing to her for 3 days except Hello, and shooting down one of her petty insidious topics of conversation before it got off the ground. No goodbye either. It was the most peaceful Christmas I had ever spent with her in the room.

I recommend that you stop the MIL's bad behavior whenever it rears its ugly head. It will never stop. It will never go away. Learn to say no in whatever way is appropriate for your situation. Some feathers will be ruffled and there will be crying (been there). Don't feel guilty. Stand up for yourself and your child. No one should have to put up with that kind of behavior, especially in your own home.

I thought my in-laws were pains (they're evangelical Christians who keep sending Jesus stuff to me and the kids, even though we're very observant Jews. . .long story, won't go into it here), but this MIL is just really terrible. No doubt about it.

I don't think there's any meeting-her-halfway opportunity. My advice to the LW is, like others' advice, to be assertive. Just grab your baby back. Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner (say something like, "Sorry, I'm tired, here's a list of restaurants; you can order take-out."). Don't even think about how she identifies you. Counseling may be a good idea, but only to help you cope with your own frustration. But don't even bother trying to get along with her, just avoid her and blow off her expectations and demands. (That idea of viewing her as an anthropological specimin isn't too bad, either.)

I really doubt that any of these problems have much to do with the LW's past. I had a great childhood with wonderful, loving parents and siblings who remain my best friends, and I would also hate this MIL.

I tried being nice, etc. It does not work. At the end the only thing that worked was brute force: they expect you to cook Thanksgiving dinner? don't do it - let them order pizza. They do not give you your child? grab your child. The abusive behavior will diminish slowly. It works !

I was in a similar situation, although not quite as extreme as yours. Luckily, I was helped by a psychologist with a great deal of common sense, who helped me to see the situation clearly. After that, it was clear what to do. Even if you do what Cary suggests, you will still get angry and miserable. You are entitled to your well justified anger, so there is no point pretending your feelings will change. When we are attacked, disrespected or humiliated, we get angry. It's a natural responce. Your behaviour might change, but, while making it convenient for your in-laws and your hubby, it will not help YOU. Well, you deserve some sanity, too. There is no point of letting others abuse you in your own home.

So, you will have to work on the in-laws side. Contrary to popular belief, mothers-in-law can be trained, if not changed. Like dogs. With sticks and treats. Even most primitive creatures are trainable. The trick is, your "wonderful" husband has to recognize that there is a problem, that it is making your life miserable, and that something has to be done about it. And he has to figure out how to work with his parents, as he knows them best. He has to support you, instead of cowardly avoiding taking sides. (This was and still is my problem.) What exactly has to be done, is up to both of you. If the situation proves to be totally hopeless, even despite the best efforts, then totally cutting ties with in-laws is perfectly acceptable. While we don't get to choose out families, dealing with them is up to us.

My personal experience suggested that there is a good deal of trainability. You just have to let it known that you won't be a punching bag anymore, and take actions to show you are serious. Don't cook the f***en Thanksgiving dinner when you are in pain. Don't let them handle your child if they don't behave. Tell them off a few times -- politely but firmly. Don't invite them to your child's Bday party and, in general, invite them very infrequently. Avoid going to their house. If they are so rude as to show up uninvited, tell them they are not invited. Don't let them steal your parade, just show them the door. You are the host in your house, not they. I almost guarantee you that if you do a few of the above, the message will sink in. Nobody is that dumb. Once they know you won't be a doormat anymore, they will play by the rule that you and your husband set for them.

God luck!

Therapy would probably be useful to her, she forgave the parents that beat the shit out of her, fine, but the fact she still talks to them is troubling.

This woman cannot stand up for herself, she has to be taught how, psychotherpy or behavioral therapy would probably be useful.

To make a Thanksgiving dinner after having a c-section? That is such a pushover and a spineless move, no one that has a healthy amount of self worth would do that. They would say, I'm in pain, I'll be in bed, see ya. They would be more concerned about their health and pain than pleasing guests who come to visit. That's what the abuse did to her, it made it more important to devalue her needs to please others, because her needs weren't important to her parents. There are plenty of people like this, they are generally called people pleasers and pushovers.

It is not surprising that her husband is spineless too, perhaps he is also a people pleaser, and mommy is No 1 on the list to please. Unless he isn't really spineless, he just thinks my mommy is the bestest in the whole wide world, so put up with it and don't say anything against her, you're the one who's wrong, which puts LW again in therapy to learn how to stand up for herself in her marriage and to this MIL.

Sure the MIL is probably jealous and insecure that now that her children are grown her identity as mother is gone and because she probably did not create a life for herself outside of her children, not being needed everyday must be hard for her. I do wonder if her other children are married and have the same problems, perhaps LW should talk to them to gain some perspective. Is she the only spouse treated this poorly? But some of the things are petty, in MIL's generation the wife is always Mrs., of course she brags about her son who cares if she names the wrong award, of course she thinks a grandchild with her name is named after her.

But I guess that's why Everybody Loves Raymond was such a popular show, apparently these meddling overbearing rude MILs are everywhere. Glad mine is not one of them.