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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
The MIL is a pain, no doubt about it, but the LW has to step back from the violent rhetoric or it might become a reality. Then, bye bye perfect(?) marriage.
One thing that might help is reading Cary's suggestions.
Then do three things:
1) Have compassion for an uneducated and profoundly stupid woman who is threatened by you.
2) Treat her like an anthropological project. That is, eye her and her behaviour from a distance. She's amusing!; she's from a long lost tribe with which you've just made contact!
3) Ask your husband to protect you from her most grievous hurts to you. Just pick a few and ask him to speak up on your behalf if they happen. You need to feel that your little family will be protected.
Remember, your husband loves her. She will grow old and sick. He will want to take care of her. She is unhappy becuase you are "better" than her
Cary was right, change yourself, get some distance, and renegotiate with your husband so you don't feel harmed.
)
I had to read this letter twice to be sure that I hadn't written it myself. I was a professor at an Ivy League school up against a mother-in-law who never went to high school. Yet she had a genius for undermining all my self-worth. She actually sent me pamphlets with titles like "Why Can't I Love?"
What I came to realize in time was that this woman was jealous of a life she could not have had: A fulfilling career, a loving husband, and-not least--the advantages of having come of age at a time when women had more choices. I don't think she could have articulated this, but I think she was more wounded by my asking what career she might have had given the opportunity than if I had actually hurt her physically.
I do disagree that you could get to a place where you two could actually get along, let alone love each other. Try to love yourself enough to set limits and be proud of all you've accomplished, rather than look for affirmation where you'll never get it--your parents or your husband's parents.
Jane L.
Assuming the LW's husband will support her actions, I training the mother-in-law the same way you would train a puppy. Every time my golden retriever puppy jumped on me or my spouse, she got kneed and fell flat on her back. It took her two days to learn she should not jump on us.
If the mother-in-law misbehaves, punish her. If she comes over unannouced, don't let her in. If she refuses to hand the child back, go and take it, and then ask her and her husband to leave your house. Instead of having dinner at your or her house, meet them somewhere public for dinner. If she cries at dinner, leave the restaurant. She will quickly learn.
SJ
I totally agree with Cary and the three previous letters but I also add, bluntly: learn the word no. Use it. it's a hard one, but "No, I am not cooking Thanksgiving dinner" might go a long way. :)
On to today's letter: no f*&^%ing way, Cary!
This woman isn't imagining her mother-in-law's nastiness and she'll probably never be able to get that woman to grow the ^%$# up and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. But she has something the mother-in-law wants -- actually, two things. Which means she has the ability to change the mother-in-law's behavior to one of kindness and respect, or at least terrified politeness.
So, my advice to the LW is short and simple and based on my own monster-in-law experience -- work on your husband and yourself, and forget your mother-in-law. Deny her access to your entire family unless she demonstrates a willingness to treat all of you with kindness and respect. And work on being strong enough yourself to take your baby and your husband and exit any situation where you are being abused. Now. Get your husband on board and do it.
(Incidentally, the mother-in-law in this case sounds like my stepmother-in-law. and i did try to ignore it, or to be magnanimous when she detroyed my relationships with others through lying about a variety of things. It doesn't work with sociopaths. They are simply made bolder by your seeming lack of resistance. The only thing they respect is denial of those things they value, or an awareness that you understand and won't tolerate their game.)
I preface this statement by saying I have the world's BEST mother-in-law whom, if she showed up on my doorstep tonight, she'd be welcome to live with me forever... same for my father-in-law.
This being said, the LW's mother-in-law is a kind of a bitch. Fairly simple. At least as described. There is NO way the husband should tolerate this kind of cruelty to the LW from his mother. Mom or not, if you won't give a mother her baby back, you may just need a metaphorical backhand. Thanksgiving after a C section? McDonalds is right down the street. Have a McTurkey burger and shut the hell up.
Granted, your odd little death fantasies demean yourself, LW. I UNDERSTAND how you feel, but those thoughts only make you a sadder person inside.
Put your foot down, and do not let yourself be handled in that fashion. It needn't be mean, or ugly, or even mean spirited, but you AND your husband need to put up a unified front here.
On the other hand, keep in mind this woman, for all her flaws, sacrificed greatly for the man you love, and helped him become the man he is today. There are some people who just don't understand proper manners (didn't have good raisin's, as we used to say).
Mother's day IS your day, but it is also her day. It doesn't excuse her behaviour, and I am not implying that rudeness and tactlessness should be tolerated, just keep it in mind. I think a happy compromise can be made, not just one where you have to grit your teeth, and not one where the mother-in-law has to meet her end at the front of a bus.
Dave
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