Letters to the Editor
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The good, the bad, and the ugly
I had a similar MIL experience to the LW, one that was complicated by years of linguistic misunderstandings since my husband and I come from different countries/languages/backgrounds. Things didn't get better once she realized she couldn't get rid of me, they just got worse. Many of the same jealousy issues mentioned by other writers here were also involved. She didn't speak to me for 3 months when we announced we were getting married (no great loss, of course) and didn't attend the wedding.
Against that history, I agree with the advice of many of the writers here who advocate learning the word 'no' without being mean or aggressive, clarifying the extent of the abuse to the husband (who may genuinely not be able to confront his 'perfect' mother or even see that anything is very wrong), and gaining some distance.
I have two things to add:
1. After the long process of learning compassion for both her and myself, my MIL have what I would consider to be an excellent relationship now, after 20 years of interaction. I drew limits, she has learned to respect them. I bite my tongue when she makes stupid comments, she usually apolgizes later (!). It took her awhile to find out she didn't have to scratch my eyes out to keep her son on her side - we could share him. It turned out she actually has some experience of great value to share with me, and I have some to share with her. Good thing we didn't stop talking.
2. Future mother-in-laws of the world, take heed - this LW could be writing about you in just these terms in the not-too-distant-future. So if the MIL sounds crazy, just remember, she thinks the same thing about the LW. One person's insane MIL is another person's caring mother whose son was stolen away by a harpy. So look back, remember this poor daughter-in-law's letter, and don't become 'that' MIL.