Letters to the Editor
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Son
Since the LW didn't reveal his gender in the letter, but probably did in the submission form, I assumed Cary's first line, quoted by zahra, was an intentional signifier to his readers. There's no reason to parse it further.
Great advice as usual, Cary. I'm ambivalent about AA, but the idea of taking the opportunity to get him out of the house is a great one. I don't understand the idea posted here about not going home again. If the LW didn't love his family despite the frustration, he wouldn't have written. The impulse to try and make the situation better speaks well of his generosity and caring -- it would be the easiest and most narcissistic solution in the world to stay away and quote the Buddha.
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how do you know it's a man?
Dear Cary,
I am looking for clues. This letter struck me as being written by a woman.
How do you know it's a man?
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I don't know
what subject line to put here.
There is so much complexity in this issue.
The mom, and the siblings in their default protective behavior towards the mom, are keeping the fire stoked on this dysfunctional state of affairs. They perpetuate it by either consciously or unconsciously siding with mom's view of dad, and so dad gets more abuse heaped on him by the siblings and by the mom, with the exception of the LW, who I also initially took to be female. Not sure it even matters, does it, if LW is a he or a she?
But what is dad doing in all of this? He's allowing the abuse to be heaped on him, isn't he? If it were me, and perhaps my self-esteem is just higher, I wouldn't stick around for this nonsense, after 25 years of being sober. That's the part I don't quite get. Why is he still sticking around? Does he feel that bad, were his abuses so awful, that he feels some highly guilt-ridden need to make amends to his family after all this time by allowing them to abuse him so? Mom is not guiltless here, but why would the dad stay around for this type of unhealthy behavior, unless his fear is so extreme that he feels he has nowhere else to go, or are the amends he feels he must make that egregious?
I agree with some of the other posters, and with Cary. Provide exit avenues of some sort, whether they be taking him in or directing him (and accompanying him) to some AA or Al-Anon meetings, something to make him feel less alone in his plight as the fuck-up of 25 years ago. Somehow, it seems as if he's stuck in that mold, and is just going to go to his grave thinking that he's the worst person in the world, ever. It's almost like he has no awareness that he has other options than to just accept the abuse. Clearly no one in that family has any commonality with him and his erstwhile plight.
And take mom and siblings to an Al-Anon meeting as well. Seems like dad's not the only one with a victim problem here. So much anger, so sad. I know from experience that anger in a family can take YEARS to get past, and sometimes the best way is to talk it out and get past it. When that fails, then sometimes, the best thing seems to be to move on.
I know this -- guilt will never work to do anything but make the recipient feel bad, and the perpetrator feel worse. Guilt-tripping is one of the most mutually unsatisfying behaviors that people can indulge in.
--Child of a recovering alcoholic
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the one thing
the one thing that struck me about the response was the "you're not fixing your family. no one is, ever." to paraphrase. I understand its unlikely, and like moving a mountain, and certainly not likely to be a complete fix, but jeez it seems a bit apocalyptic. If we believe that one person can fix themselves, or at least make themselves more healthy and happier and more functional, than why not a group of interacting individuals as well? Maybe its not the sort of thing that can be accomplished over the course of an advice column entry, or maybe it shouldn't be the first step in this man's situation, but to abandon all hope of it Cary? That seems to me a disservice. As long as he has the hope, than important, even if minor, steps could be made towards rectifying things. Isn't hope what keeps everyone of us going and doing anything at all, regardless of how irrational that hope might be?
eric
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Perfectly put
"Back slowly away from the hope..."
I have already emailed that paragraph to several people. Perfect advice when it comes to family dynamics.
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To the writer
I would suggest that the writer (I assumed the writer was a she, too, actually) express the positive emotions that he/she feels toward the father (tell him he is loved, that it is amazing that he stopped drinking, even that he is strong for taking the abuse that he takes) for a couple of reasons. First, because it sounds like the father deserves, and needs, it. Second, because the writer seems uneasy with the situation. Beyond that sort of action there are some big thinks to be done.
The father may do what he likes with what the writer says – he may chose to ignore what the writer says, even put the writer down for saying it, or-- it may plant a seed of self respect in the father. The father may never leave this situation, may or may not chose to go to AA or other meetings, but perhaps that seed of self respect may be the thing that sees the father through. And the writer will have that, always, the knowing that he tried, and the knowing it made a difference (if it does). Really knowing that you tried can make all the difference in how you feel about yourself.
The writer may find that a seed of self respect if born in him or her, too. Even if not much happens on the outside (i.e., moving the father out of the house), there could be big changes on the inside, and this could be the start of something bigger for the father and the writer (together or individually).
The mother and siblings will also choose how to react to it – it’s easy to imagine that they may increase the volume of abuse, and it may spread to the writer. That is their choice. Nothing can be done about their choices! (repeat that one million times to yourself…)
I, like many other posters, am going through something similar. My dad is severely mentally ill (schizophrenia, now with diabetes, renal failure, and a pulmonary disease) – was shunned then missing for years, until we got a phone call a few months ago. My mom, controlling, hysterical, hateful of my dad, got us through all those years and so, now, is a shrill saint caught in the past with cycles of frustration. I do love her, but…
Mostly my family wants nothing to do with him, but I am taking steps to become his guardian. I keep finding that I want to make the decisions that give my dad self respect – or the opportunity for self respect. I want him to know there is a safety net there. I think it’s amazing he survived so long with such illnesses! In me, this decision comes from how I want to feel at the end of the day, at the end of my life, what I want to say to my maker about the decisions that I made. And so I keep making decisions that involve helping my dad see what good things he has done.
My mom is having a hard time with this – it scares her, and so my siblings are scared. She is increasing the volume, and my siblings ask why you doing this. (I am scared too, but I don’t think it would help it I broke down blubbering to them like a baby, would it?) I try hard to show my mom love, and that this ‘new’ thing in my life doesn’t interfere with my love for her, and I am waiting to see what she does with it. It’s hard, really hard, and I don’t always do it well. But the other set of choices (ignoring my dad, who needs medical help etc) is simply not possible to me. I made my choices carefully and consciously, and tried to think through the worst case scenarios (plan for the worst, hope for the best, right?).
I have great friends who provide great support and I joined support groups, but still it is hard – I constantly remind myself of why I chose what I did. Or, maybe I should say, I constantly repeat my choices to my patient, amazing friends, who listen and help me through.
I would suggest to the writer, not to take action or to walk away, but to sit down alone, and try to really imagine how he or she will feel when he/she meets his maker/ lies on his/her deathbed/whatever it is that drives the writers life in a certain direction, and don’t stand up until he or she knows how he/she wants to feel in that moment.
You will find the strength you need to do what you have to do.
Good luck to the writer. I'd love to know how you make out.