I know I'm posting this letter long after it appeared, but here it goes anyway. Tell your dad you forgive him, and that you love and respect him despite his years of drunken mistakes. It might be awkward, but at least you will have said it. Then, the next time the rest of your family berates him, he can hold that in his memory.

A bad family situation doesn't improve with poetry. It improves with action. Doesn't matter how long it's been going on, either. It can change.

The writer can read up on this situation in some classic psychology books, consult with a family counselor, and make a plan of action.

Possible positive outcomes:

* Sibling gains enough confidence to move out and start their own life

* Father finds some refuge from abuse and finishes life in peace

* Mother takes some medication for moods and changes behavior

The writer should be brave and seize the day. There is no guarantee of success. But the benefit of taking action is the elimination of regret.

Besides, just imagine if the only treatment we had for all of our ailments were romantic treatises like Cary's. We'd still be in the middle ages. I'd like to see this family get fixed.

Oh no. This 70 year old man is down to 100 pounds, doesn't eat much, smokes cigarettes and drinks coffee all day (probably his only pleasures) and is screamed at all day. It's probably hard for for this older man to imagine how he could make a life change. Perhaps, after all those years, this seems normal to him. This breaks my heart.

I don't have any solutions - getting him to AA, that would help, I think. At least that would get him out of the house. I'd also call the abuse hotline, check that out.

I know that the LW has a life to lead, and they need to establish themselves, and not be dragged under by their family. For all that, is there any way you could get the father out of that situation? I realize that the man was an alcoholic, but I don't think that this means he must be compelled to experience a lifetime of torment. I just think that, in this last stage of his life, he deserves a little peace.

I also think it would be better for the other family members. As far as I can tell, it's not possible for the family dynamic to get worse. At least there would be a slight possiblity of change if the father is out of the house.

I would suggest that the writer (I assumed the writer was a she, too, actually) express the positive emotions that he/she feels toward the father (tell him he is loved, that it is amazing that he stopped drinking, even that he is strong for taking the abuse that he takes) for a couple of reasons. First, because it sounds like the father deserves, and needs, it. Second, because the writer seems uneasy with the situation. Beyond that sort of action there are some big thinks to be done.

The father may do what he likes with what the writer says – he may chose to ignore what the writer says, even put the writer down for saying it, or-- it may plant a seed of self respect in the father. The father may never leave this situation, may or may not chose to go to AA or other meetings, but perhaps that seed of self respect may be the thing that sees the father through. And the writer will have that, always, the knowing that he tried, and the knowing it made a difference (if it does). Really knowing that you tried can make all the difference in how you feel about yourself.

The writer may find that a seed of self respect if born in him or her, too. Even if not much happens on the outside (i.e., moving the father out of the house), there could be big changes on the inside, and this could be the start of something bigger for the father and the writer (together or individually).

The mother and siblings will also choose how to react to it – it’s easy to imagine that they may increase the volume of abuse, and it may spread to the writer. That is their choice. Nothing can be done about their choices! (repeat that one million times to yourself…)

I, like many other posters, am going through something similar. My dad is severely mentally ill (schizophrenia, now with diabetes, renal failure, and a pulmonary disease) – was shunned then missing for years, until we got a phone call a few months ago. My mom, controlling, hysterical, hateful of my dad, got us through all those years and so, now, is a shrill saint caught in the past with cycles of frustration. I do love her, but…

Mostly my family wants nothing to do with him, but I am taking steps to become his guardian. I keep finding that I want to make the decisions that give my dad self respect – or the opportunity for self respect. I want him to know there is a safety net there. I think it’s amazing he survived so long with such illnesses! In me, this decision comes from how I want to feel at the end of the day, at the end of my life, what I want to say to my maker about the decisions that I made. And so I keep making decisions that involve helping my dad see what good things he has done.

My mom is having a hard time with this – it scares her, and so my siblings are scared. She is increasing the volume, and my siblings ask why you doing this. (I am scared too, but I don’t think it would help it I broke down blubbering to them like a baby, would it?) I try hard to show my mom love, and that this ‘new’ thing in my life doesn’t interfere with my love for her, and I am waiting to see what she does with it. It’s hard, really hard, and I don’t always do it well. But the other set of choices (ignoring my dad, who needs medical help etc) is simply not possible to me. I made my choices carefully and consciously, and tried to think through the worst case scenarios (plan for the worst, hope for the best, right?).

I have great friends who provide great support and I joined support groups, but still it is hard – I constantly remind myself of why I chose what I did. Or, maybe I should say, I constantly repeat my choices to my patient, amazing friends, who listen and help me through.

I would suggest to the writer, not to take action or to walk away, but to sit down alone, and try to really imagine how he or she will feel when he/she meets his maker/ lies on his/her deathbed/whatever it is that drives the writers life in a certain direction, and don’t stand up until he or she knows how he/she wants to feel in that moment.

You will find the strength you need to do what you have to do.

Good luck to the writer. I'd love to know how you make out.