Letters to the Editor
-
Cary, you rock.
That's all.
-
A perfect reply by Cary Tennis
My heart goes out the the LW. The letter is really complete and you can see the pain in the entire family, you can see the abusive martyr who is still getting her unsatisfying daily doses of revenge. House of death by anger. Why has the father not left this hellish home already?
And Cary puts it into perfect focus. LW could take the father out and away from this.
-
A perfect reply by Cary Tennis
My heart goes out the the LW. The letter is really complete and you can see the pain in the entire family, you can see the abusive martyr who is still getting her unsatisfying daily doses of revenge. House of death by anger. Why has the father not left this hellish home already?
And Cary puts it into perfect focus. LW could take the father out and away from this.
-
Maybe he can do one other thing...
...in addition to Cary's wise and compassionate advice. And that is, sit down with dad on the porch with his own cup of coffee and tell his dad he loves him, has grown into some understanding of all he's been through, and forgives him whatever needs forgiven, and hopes the father will forgive himself too -- regardless of the judgements of the rest of the family. The son can tell his dad he'd like him to have a little hard-won peace and contentment in his later years...and then suggest that the AA meetings might be a way to get these things.
This way, if the father refuses to do the AA thing - or if the rest of that poisonous family finds out and bullies, humiliates or otherwise prevents him from following this course - he will at least have had this small preserver thrown to him, something he can cling to while buffeted by the sea of hostility he finds himself in, or, less dramatically, it will be a small pleasant moment to remember over with his endless cigarettes and cofee, guilt and loneliness. Sometimes a little compassion, a bit of specifically stated love, can go a long long way to making things, if not right, then a bit more bearable bearable.
-
Maybe he can do one other thing...
...in addition to Cary's wise and compassionate advice. And that is, sit down with dad on the porch with his own cup of coffee and tell his dad he loves him, has grown into some understanding of all he's been through, and forgives him whatever needs forgiven, and hopes the father will forgive himself too -- regardless of the judgements of the rest of the family. The son can tell his dad he'd like him to have a little hard-won peace and contentment in his later years...and then suggest that the AA meetings might be a way to get these things.
This way, if the father refuses to do the AA thing - or if the rest of that poisonous family finds out and bullies, humiliates or otherwise prevents him from following this course - he will at least have had this small preserver thrown to him, something he can cling to while buffeted by the sea of hostility he finds himself in, or, less dramatically, it will be a small pleasant moment to remember over with his endless cigarettes and cofee, guilt and loneliness. Sometimes a little compassion, a bit of specifically stated love, can go a long long way to making things, if not right, then a bit more bearable.
-
time for the brothers
The LW should read the Brothers Karamazov, beginning with the first sentence. Cary is right that no one will be changing this family. Maybe no one should try. It sounds pretty normal to me.
-
time for the brothers
The LW should read the Brothers Karamazov, beginning with the first sentence. Cary is right that no one will be changing this family. Maybe no one should try. It sounds pretty normal to me.
-
looking glass
This could be my family - as described by my borderline personality disorder sister who lives in New York and refuses to give us her cell phone number or email address. Her home phone is set to filter us into voicemail.
-
Wow
That was good, Cary. Since the server is obviously acting up tonight, I will spare you the repeat post and simply say it again in one post: That was good, Cary. That was good, Cary. That was good, Cary.
-
Good answer, Cary. My advice?
Leave them behind. Emotionally and literally. Save yourself, and create a better world for your own kids.
-
Cary's advice is perfect.
Even if LW's dad decides not to go to AA, the son has provided him with a healthier option. It's his father's choice whether to avail himself of that option; it's entirely possible that the mother and siblings will kick up too much of a fuss to make it worth the father's while. It's pretty hard on a well-established family pathology when one family member breaks away from the established order.
I really liked the advice offered by one of the posters above, who said that LW should tell his father that he loves him. There might not be many opportunities left for that.
-
It Might Be Abuse
Massachusetts Elder Abuse Hot Line: 1-800-922-2275. It's answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It can't hurt to call and talk to somebody.
-
Not so much
As usual, I disagree with what Cary Tennis has to say. I know how fond he is of AA, but this person's dad has been clean and sober for 25 years. So, uh... maybe AA will help, but addiction is not the crucial issue. And those meetings can be really depressing; a bunch of people, huddled in a church basement, perhaps healing, perhaps just bemoaning their fate.
I'm from a different cultural background, and my family is tightknit, so maybe this doesn't apply as well, but I'd not only talk to my dad about how I'd forgiven him, I'd give him a chance to stay with me for a few weeks at a time. I know Americans don't like to care for aging parents, especially in small apartments, but honestly, even if it's just to give him some respite from the rest of the gang, it might provide what he needs to stand up for himself.
Free coffee at AA meetings really doesn't seem like much of a life preserver when you are flolundering in waves that high.