An MFA isn't necessarily an indulgence. It's kind of the academic world's equivalent of an MBA. If you want to get a (decent-paying, good-benefits-providing) university or museum job, it seems to be a must. I didn't realize this until recently, when I did some business with our state university. In the long run, the degree might pay off handsomely for the family, leaving aside the question of following anyone's dreams.

>>I'm confused that people think that the husband hasn't had a chance to follow HIS dream.>>

Working the rat race isn't really anyone's dream; it's just what we do to stay alive. His dream don't involve slaving away, I guarentee you. It could be touring with motocross, painting, woodworking. We don't know. But I guarentee you slaving away to support 3 kids and a wife isn't someone's DREAM. It's fulfilling and enjoyable, but saying since he's been able to work for 11 years supporting the family he's had his dream is unfair. Comeon, do you really think that would be someone's dream? Sounds like Marie Antoinette "let them eat cake" refusing to acknowledge other people's needs as long as hers are met. Are creative people so enchanted by their own dreams that they refuse to beleive other people have them to and that they're just as magical?

Someone's TRUE gut dream is to have the freedom to let their unique personality flourish at it's best. It isn't ONLY to support someone else's dream.

It's self-centered rationalization to try to make oneself believe that another person's dream is to be caught up in the rat race. It's expecting that other spouse to be happy with a dream-less life while expecting all the rights to dreams, that no one else has the same need to dream BIG dreams.

While I can understand you're trying to flesh out the potential range of the husband's motivations, you skip over some potentially critical points.

It's EXPENSIVE to go to grad school, and getting an MFA is not the same as getting an MBA. I wonder if the husband would have the same reaction if she wanted a business degree and not an arts degree.

If the issue is cost/benefit-based, it's not unreasonable to discuss other options. Can similar classes be audited or taken as workshops someplace else?

Next would be their current business situation. Having three kids (one an infant) and running a small business is a tremendous challenge. Creating art and lobbying for gallery showings only increases a person's burden to what would see like an already-full life. Perhaps the husband perceives he will be left holding the bag on one or more of these large ongoing responsibilities. Perhaps he feels the art has already caused this.

The strongest argument you made is the partner-support card. The husband should not be shutting her down. He may in fact be dealing with abandonment or inferiority issues. One wonders why the husband hasn't brought it up in the open. It's possible he has, and the letter writer has blurred this into a blanket, emotionally-charged statement: 'He shuts me down'.

Bottom line - there's not enough information to properly form an opinion, and I sense a reflexive bias towards 'supporting creativity' that makes the husband sound worse than the available information implies. He may very well be trying to insiduously control her, motivated by his personal insecurities about his education. That, however, remains to be even implied.

I'm confused that people think that the husband hasn't had a chance to follow HIS dream.

It sounds like they have a small business that wife isn't especially into.

No family starts a business unless it's SOMEBODY'S dream, starting a business is too much work.

I don't think I'm making an irrational logical leap to say that it is likely they have already followed the husband's dream. They just had different types of dreams.

CC

I find it interesting how all the responses which moan about the "husband's turn" and "she's a parasite" are deliberately misreading the letter: This was followed by the adventure of self-employment ( my husband and I working together as entrepreneurs), then two children (and No. 3 is on the way). She also says she wants to go to school in a year or so.

So breadwinning is shared, yet everyone assumes she's not pulling her weight and is making a snap decision. Hmmn, wonder why this is? Could it be she's a woman (and worse, does art in her spare time)? They aren't raising a (semi)legit question, i.e. "how does she expect to hold up her end of the business and attend grad school," no, it's "she's been leeching off him, what about his dreams, bla, bla, men's rights!, blah!" It seems to me folks are not just reading into the missing information but also misreading the letter to fuel their own view, which are largely misogynist.

My husband objected to my plan for an advanced degree to help me get back into the workforce. I listened to him and regretted it for five years until I simply completed all the steps I needed for admission and told him I was going--taking a very low course load each year. I got my degree after five years and my husband couldn't have been prouder. More important, my experience lead to a fruitful career at age 57 no less. I only regret wasting those five years. Nellyn

>>Reading this letter actually turned my stomach - not because the husband won't send his wife to graduate school, but because she NEEDS him to do it in the first place.>>

And that she expects him to without any discussion about taking turns. It's that Pricess Artist attitude, that her making art is more important than him having a chance to follow his bliss. I know women like this, they expect their husbands to fund every "artistic dream" while he slaves away paying all the bills. Hey, it's a nice life if you can get it, but it's not very equitable. Why does we work funding all her dreams? It's so NOT self-sufficient. I was taught if there's something I want, I figure out how to get it for myself, not manipulate some man into buying it for me.

Artists think they are special. And they are special, but that doesn't mean everyone else isn't special in their own way too. Egotism is associated with artists because it does take a lot of egotism to do what they do, dig deep into their souls and put it out there for public scruitiny. But it makes them more self-centered and they often fall into thinking they're more special than other people. I've heard plenty of them go on about how they need special treament and fail to realize that other people have specail dreams, special drives too, and the artist doesn't deserve all the special treatment.