This was fun to read, and nobody's being annoying for once!

I can so relate. I love my hundred-year old house, and I hate the work it's taking to make it habitable. If I think about it too much, it can send me into a tailspin of despair. And much as I love reading everything as metaphor, the time/money/sanity freakout the house sometimes causes is purely visceral.

Everybody's advice is good. Prioritize, take your time, absolutely take breaks. The one sanity tip I will add is to make sure that there is at least one room in the house that is absolutely peaceful and pleasing and well-ordered at all times. And if it's truly not fun anymore, live somewhere low-maintenance. Nothing is worth eroding your happiness.

Perfectionism drives us mad. And our objects own us. Hence the unhappy homeowner.

So disown your objects and divest yourselves of their demands:

* Care not for granite countertops (you may still find god in formica)

* Remember that your mother cooked on a hot-plate (wasn't it great?)

* Forget about sky lights (there's a big one outside)

In short, discover the zen of living simple and paying rent. You might even find your happy husband again.

My normally sedate and salt-of-the-earth SO nearly went insane fixing up our 100 year old house. We spent five years working on it. The process of taking on a project of this size revealed a frightening tendency on both of our parts to be rigid, Martha Stewart-like, self-hating perfectionists. And by looking at the house, you would never have guessed we were judging it by such high standards. It was an absolute disaster. A rats nest of unfinished projects. After a near nervous breakdown--during which he took a sledge hammer to a wall of drywall that he had just completed--I finally realized how miserable he was. This adventure had really been my idea. He, too, longed for the smaller house that we had seen before buying our place that required almost no work. He derived no joy from working on the house.

I took over all of the renovations. I had someone else patch the wall back up. I created a spreadsheet of everything that needed to be done and hired people to do as much as I could. I did small projects myself. I asked friends for help. Occasionally I had him do small discrete things, like move heavy things, etc. In the end, the house got fixed up. And we moved out and rented it to yuppies who were willing to pay 2 1/2 times our mortgage. Now we live in a tiny two bedroom apartment in Europe...

It took nearly a full year for our two tiny bathrooms to be remodeled. All I can say is that if a contractor low-balls the price you should be very careful in defining what you are getting. Many times I was completely despondant, harassed, angry, bitter, frustrated and just plain out of sorts having those guys clumping in when ever to do what ever. I eventually just paid them and finished the job myself. They sucked and I'm finding all sorts of things they did wrong. They suck. The most positive spin I can put on this is that it was a "learning experience". At the worst...ugh, let's not go there.

>>be careful about that assumption that a $40,000 investment will increase value by $100,000. Usually NOT the case. The flippers like on the TV shows who make a lot of money do it 'cause they find properties WAY undervalued.

It's RARE to get full recovery of your improvement cost in the sale:

Renovation Average Cost Resale Recovery

Paint $700 200% plus

Add a Bathroom $10,000 96%

Add a Fireplace $4,000 94%

Kitchen Renovation (minor) $8,500 79%

Kitchen Renovation (major) $24,000 70%

Bathroom Renovation $7,500 69%

Add a Skylight $4,000 68%

New Siding $7,500 67%

Add Insulation $1,750 65%

Addition $35,000 62%

New Roof $4,600 61%

Deck $6,000 60%

Greenhouse Addition $17,000 56%

Replace Windows /Doors $12,000 55%

Add a Swimming Pool $24,000 39%

please be careful. I've seen young couples take on too much with the incorrect assumption they'd make $100,000 in 6 months and go bankrupt trying to pay off the loan when it takes twice as long, twice as much money, and results in a MUCH lower resale than anticipated. You have to buy REALLY cheap to do this. IF you're planning on this, please have a qualified consultant look at your pro forma before taking out a loan.

Restore your home to feel good, not to make money.

that is SUCH a good point: know when to DIY and when to call in the pros.

My husband and i are much more relaxed right now because we had the last job done by a contractor. There was stuff we never could have done, but there was some we could have done. I felt we needed a break and I wanted it done quickly in this case and we do the work in dribbles and drabbles. There are times when it's worth the money to just pay someone to take care of it for you. I love the work we had done and it was the right choice considering the complexity of the work.

We're in an old house, too, but so far we've been spared the most brutal of remodeling and upkeep issues, so I don't have anything really personal to add. However, it may help the letter writer and her husband to know they are not alone, and the local SF paper just did an article on a family therapist who is specializing in these kinds of problems. There are some good practical tips in there about surviving the process. The article may help:

www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/01/06/carollloyd.DTL

Good luck!

...is when my husband, with all the right intentions, tells me that if he does the work, we'll save so much money from those lyin' cheatin' bastard contractors.

His ego becomes totally wrapped up in my believing that he can, in fact do the job... and then he takes on the project, and it's more than he can handle... or he does 80 percent of it, hits a stumbling block, and leaves it partially unfinished.

Add that to the fact that he has a demanding job, doesn't really have the time or energy to work on the house, and that with two kids there are other things we like to do sometimes on the weekend other than fix up the house.

So, I'm an older, wiser, bitchier homeowner now... and I'm not falling for the husband's "let me handle it" routine. Been there, done that... and I'm got the unfinished evidence to prove it.

But I am nice about it when communicating this fact with my husband. I do love him. He is a good man, means well, even if I do ruffle his feathers when I put my foot down and say "NO." It does take some self-reflection and humility on his part to listen.

Now we are hiring contractors, and if is just not feasible, then I sit down with the dear man and get a plan IN WRITING, and I am quite demanding about specifics... i.e., deadlines, who will be responsible for managing the project, budgets... etc. Don't let him whitewash any of it with vagueries... treat him as you would treat any contractor.

My advice, and what I'm planning on doing: Get an equity line, hire professionals, and do one project at a time. The bathroom re-do that might take you a year and a half (in real terms) and looks crappy and DIYish, might take a competent contractor 4-6 months and will look finished. It's worth it.

Only use the equity line as needed, and if you can't afford it, wait until you get the money.

You know that GOOD home improvements will increase the value of your home, so that depending on your location a $40k investment might increase your home by $100k. But it has to be done right and not look like DIY Home Depot crap.