Letters to the Editor
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I have the solution
I have been in a similar situation. Telling your husband is not going to be worth anything because when Doug tells him, your husband will know that you only told him because you knew he'd find out anyway. You are right that this will probably destroy your marriage.
If you are right that Doug is angry/hurt/upset (as he should be! you lied about something hugely important to him! my own views about virginity aside, what matters is this HUGE lie for MANY years over the MANY opportunities you had to tell the truth that says a lot about your character), the following is the only thing that has a chance of working:
You need to be ready to leave Doug alone for a while. This means little to no contact. Leave the house. Don't beg for him to take you back, don't plead, don't apologize. Say, "I did something horrible and I am ready to leave." Then wait. He may not actually get mad. He may say, "Who cares?" and consider yourself lucky for having a great husband - you are home scott free. On the other hand, if Doug gets mad, let him scream and yell and get mad, and get out of there. Don't get angry or hostile or sarcastic, just say, "You are right, I don't deserve to be with you, I am going to leave." You may be on your own for months or a year. If he says you are a whore and tells you to get out, then remember to tell him to not call you a whore, but tell him that you are getting out, and pack your bags and get out.
The truth of the situation is that 7 sexual encounters 12 years ago are probably not worth more than a 12 year marriage. A marriage consists of so much more. However, upon first hearing about these encounters, he is going to be so hurt that he thinks they are worth a 12 year marriage. He will also think he has a weak partner, which by leaving you will demonstrate that you are not. (I think this will be hard because I think you actually ARE a weak person, in many emotional ways, from what you describe.)
If you leave, chances are good (I would put them at 90%) that after a while (I estimate 6 months to one year) he will take you back for good. Statistically this almost always hapens. It takes the immediate and complete loss of his marriage (by you leaving) for him to be able to reason logically and understand how great his loss would be if he left you. If he comes to the conclusion on his own that you are worth more than this one mistake, then he will believe it forever. If you beg and plead and try to convince him, any bonds reformed between you will be weaker.
Why this would not work if you stay is that if he sees you every day after he finds out, his memory of your marriage will be tainted with hurt and anger. He will think you are ugly and someone other than yourself. Your best chance is if he is choosing between the "staying in the marriage he knew" or "being hurt and alone," which is what is in his brain when you are gone. If you stay, his choice becomes "staying in this new everyday existence full of hurt" or "getting away from it and being alone." Don't give him the opportunity to look at you and hate you. Get out of there and wait. Say you are sorry and show that you mean it by leaving him alone for a while.
If he takes you back, start talking slowly and rebuild things - don't jump into bed together.
This reminds me of when someone misses some credit card payments and gets bad credit. Credit, once damaged, takes 7 years to repair. You have to be consistent and responsible for 7 years. Nothing you do matters. Yelling and screaming won't help. You have to stand still like a tree in a rainstorm and wait for it to pass and just try to wait and stay strong. You have to cut the credit cards and wait for time to pass, being boringly responsible at each step of the way. Look ahead and think, "What is the time scale on which my marriage is going to heal from this?" I bet it is something on the order of years. That is why leaving for 3 months is not anything too drastic. He is not going to get remarried in 3 months. Getting out, like administering poison to kill a greater poison, the best chance you have.
I speak from experience - I know that walking away and giving it time to heal is the hardest thing to do. I myself couldn't do it very effectively. I became an uncontrollable flood of emotion and cried and begged and pleaded and made things worse. But when I (rarely) succeeded at letting go is when things made any progress at all.
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a single man speaks
>As for those who think the letter is false, it might be, but the situation is not. Two longtime girlfriends of college buddies propositioned me multiple times in college.
Uh-huh.
>I turned them down
I totally believe this.
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You Can Save Your Marriage
I think, if you and your husband adopt the strategy that this old roommate is a "common enemy" who previously threatened your relationship (and caught you) and now is returning to threaten your relationship again (and destroy your husband's trust in you) then the two of you can bond together to defeat this old roommate. It's a kind of theatre, whatever you did before, at this point in time the old roommate is a PREDATOR and a THREAT and the two of you need to join forces to get him out of your lives. That you fell for his machinations before may not be entirely your fault, and I would imagine that couched in these terms, you would find a forgiving husband rushing to your side to save your marriage.
You are not to be blamed for this situation. It is not your fault.
Good luck.