Letters to the Editor
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Battering...both ways
Also 6'2"... 3 episodes of her violence. Loved her...Got out.
When the cops come...it's 90% sure the guy is gonna get it.
"If you won't 'touch' me one way, you'll touch me in another!"
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Amen on the cops
Quite apart from the psychological issues involved, this guy is cruising for serious legal peril. Neighbors call the cops after she screams and hits, and it's THE GUY who's going to jail. The cops will take one look at the two of them, and at the (possible) bruises on her wrists where he held her to restrain her, and it's the slammer for him. Get out. Get out now.
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Cary Tennis on "My wife-to-be attacks me with her fists"
I was deeply disappointed by Cary Tennis' reply to the male writer who is the victim of domestic abuse. Tennis asks the writer to think about what he may be doing to motivate the attacks. Would he have asked a female abuse victim to think about what she may be doing to motive the attacks on her? I certainly hope not. There is no excuse for striking your significant other because they have hurt your feelings, regardless of how justified you are in having hurt feelings. The double-standard doesn't help female victims of abuse, it hurts them - a culture in which anyone is abused is a culture of abuse and every act of abuse encourages others.
The advice to give to a male who is assaulted is exactly the same as the advice to give to a female who is assaulted - call the police.
Sincerely,
Dr. Greg Littmann
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Another post
I came across this early this morning, and I am trying to think of the proper response. From reviewing the letters, I think I am the only one with a different perspective, because in my relationship, I was the one doing the hitting. And yes, I am the woman in the relationship.
It started years ago (about 7), right after I got engaged. My fiancee and I had a fight, and something in me clicked. I started screaming, and hitting and scratching myself, because I did not know what to do with the anger. Getting the anger out physically was somehow helpful, it was an ends. I felt better afterwards, because I had became the victim I felt I deserved to be. This was not an every day occurance, but once I had hit on the adrenaline high of anger, fights would often escalate to that point, with my fiancee sometimes having to hold me down to physically restrain me. Eventually I was not only abusing myself when I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, but him as well. Not a continual thing, but if I felt out of control or trapped, I would resort to hitting him. It would frustrate me to no end that he would not retaliate. I was verbal and emotional and physical. I got out knives to hurt myself (and myself only) as a way to test his love and as a means of escape, to get rid of myself. I never cut myself, because I knew the consequences would be too far reaching, and I was looking for temporary relief. I can honestly say there have been only a few times that he did retaliate, and they were in self defense. Only one time do I remember him hitting back in anger, and I believe that was the last time I hurt him physically. I felt the pain I had been causing him for years.
We both discussed this, and knew it was wrong. I didn't want to be this way, and obviously this wasn't the way he wanted it either. We knew we couldn't go on the way we were, as letters have said, what about the children? We don't have any yet, but we knew our life was on hold because it was not fair to bring anyone else into this situation. I am glad to say that with time and hard lessons learned, and some counseling as to the heart of the issue, we are much better. Do we fight? Yes, everyone does, but I am learning to fight well- not physically, to listen and choose my words, and think about why and how I feel, and whether my emotions are valid, and if I am truly looking at the facts in the situation. A lot of my anger was at myself, which I am learning to work through.
I would advise the woman to get counseling (yeah, I know, pat answer), to find out what is making her snap, what sets her off, because it does not seem like she is continually this rage filled person, or a stereotypical "abuser" that is easy to hate who enjoys their abuse and its results. Something happens and she chooses to react this way. She needs to find out what it is, and learn not only the proper actions, not reactions, and the proper thinking patterns.
The advice for the man to get counseling is also applicable, since if they do continue their relationship (which will be difficult but possible), they each need to be emotionally stable, and learn how to deal with things as a couple. Looking at their individual issues and issues as a couple could be helpful. I never thought about it before my relationship, but one does need to learn how to fight and the fighting styles people have ingrained in them.
There is a line that should be drawn, if this cannot/ does not get resolved, and it will be a hard line to walk. A starting point would to not live together (if they are) until this issue is resolved, ideally they should not live together until marriage if that happens. They are putting themselves in a play-marriage situation, where they have the benefits, but can walk when it gets hard. Sorry, but that is not how real marriage works. You need to have that comfort of stability and a safety net of commitment, which I don't believe is there when you are just living together. (I know I am opening another pandora's box with that comment)
I realize I might be biased because I am female, and maybe I would speak differently if it was a man hitting a woman. That is the same situation, but also different, whether anyone likes it or not. In either situation it is wrong, wrong, wrong to do. A man can change, a woman can change if they want to and if they get help. For the gentleman and woman involved, I wish them the best of luck, and hope they can work it out. But do take all possible precautions to prevent future injury, emotional and physical, and if you BOTH want to salvage things, work on getting yourselves healthy to make the relationship healthy, it will be hard but possible work. My husband and I are approaching seven years of marriage, the first half of which was not the most pleasant. But we're getting out of the woods, and I can honestly say I'm glad he stuck in there, and that I am changing for the better.