Letters to the Editor
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"she can't really hurt you" -- yeah, right. Until it escalates, as it usually does.
My husband's first wife didn't have the excuse of coming from an abusive family. Somewhere during their marriage, she decided that hitting him was an acceptable way to express her frustration. She started with slaps, then moved to fists.
When he protested, she said she couldn't really be hurting him, because he was a big guy over 6 feet tall, and anyway the whole thing was really his problem because he "couldn't deal with female anger."
He never touched her -- quite the opposite, the more aggressive she got, the more he withdrew, which annoyed her further.
Then came the day she graduated from fists to a butcher knife.
In the aftermath, they were both sufficiently freaked out to finally admit they had a Big Problem. They decided they'd better get away from each other before her temper fits put him in the hospital or the morgue.
It made me sick, the first few years of our relationship, to watch this kind-hearted, gentle man flinch away when I was in a pissy mood. He still doesn't like to watch me when I'm using a kitchen knife.
So Letterwriter: the only way you should continue this relationship is if your girlfriend is deeply and sincerely sorry *and* is in *serious* therapy.
(And even then, you might think twice. My husband's ex was in a graduate program in psychology. All that training and therapy she was getting as a grad student didn't prevent her from assaulting him.)
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It's Not Hopeless
Cary really went out on a limb with his response, shying away from the safe party line answer that all physical responses stems from exactly the same place and require exactly the same response in favor of providing a much more nuanced answer. I think Cary is accurate in suggesting that the letter writer's fiancé is reaching into a limited bag of tools in her attempts to get a response from her betrothed. Of course her tool of choice - beating him with her fists - is unacceptable, but it appears to be effective.
Under the circumstances it is quite possible that with anger management training, she could learn to express her anger in a more acceptable way. I agree with most of the letters that say he should not under any condition accept her behavior or even entertain for a moment the thought of entering into a marriage with her. However, I don't think he has to break it off entirely right now. There is still hope. He needs to realize that this kind of behavior tends to get worse over time and that the most loving thing he can do for her is to insist that her seeking professional help is a condition of continuing any relationship with him. If she is willing to take responsibility for behavior and work on changing it, then they will need to seek help together so that he can decide he is willing to stand by her for the amount of time need to work through her issues. Its possible that she only requires a few sessions of behavior modification therapy or she might be in for years of therapy. If she is not willing to own up to the behavior and insists that it is all of his fault then he needs to walk. It will be hard, but it may be the own thing that can get through to her how serious her violent behavior is.
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domestic violence is never acceptable
oncer again cary tennis shows that he has his head stuck right up his ass. what is wrong with this guy? would he give the same advice to a woman about how her actions might have precipitated the violence and how she needs to change? even with the weight difference she CAN hurt the guy and who knows how she will act re children. why salon gives this clown a platform to spout his worthless opinion is beyond me.
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"She is so good for me in so many ways."
Where have we heard this line before, or ones like it?
Bad relationships continue precisely because we find it so hard to give up the good. Then we're damned by those little things we're going to fix someday, somehow.
Run, buddy. And good luck.
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Cary's brave advice
Cary, your advice was sound and brave. I agree strongly with yogawriter's letter and hope you saw that one, as well as this one. I have never read a braver or more honest response in an advice column than this one. It's like a litmus test-- people who can't see that are close-minded, self-projecting, kneejerk readers who would rather be right than to find out that human relationships are messy and that good people sometimes need help breaking bad habits.
The fundamentalist views of most readers who have responded show a tremendous lack of empathy and a great naivete about adult human relationships.
The dynamic of their relationship can change. I hope it does.
I used to be proud to identify myself as a Salon reader until the new open letters policy enabled me to see how self-righteous and anger-spewing most of the vocal readers are. I regret finding that out.
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Wrong advice, Cary
I'm puzzled by Cary Tennis' advice to the battered letter writer who asked whether he should marry his fiancee. To an extent, I can understand Cary's desire to understand both sides of the issue from both her correspondent's point of view and his fiancee's. But in doing this, I think she's lost sight of what's important.
The woman has clearly suffered a great deal in her life. Her fiance should appreciate that & be sensitive to it. But once she attacks him she loses all right to sympathy. Further, when she tells him it was his fault, she betrays the classic symptom of a batterer. A phyical attack is a RED FLAG. If you don't heed it you will only regret it sooner rather than later.
I think I know a thing or two about this as I was emotionally & physically battered by both my parents. In fact, I've written about my experiences in the blog post linked to this letter.
The only advice of Cary's I'd agree with is that the man should seek counseling if he (mistakenly, I think) wishes to stay in this relationship. In fact, he should make it a condition of staying with her that both of them AND she separately be in counseling. If she isn't amenable to this (& I find it highly doubtful she would be) then he should tell her he's leaving--and DO IT.
A close friend came to me 2 weeks before his marriage and told me he had profound doubts about his fiancee and the relationship. He asked me what to do. I told him to cancel the wedding. Even after he told me how embarrassed & devestated she would be by this news, I offered the same advice. And I say the same to Cary's correspondent. It is very likely you will be very unhappy in this relationship if you persist. If you decide to stay, it will be your own lookout (as the Irish say).