Letters to the Editor
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Dear Confused & Badly Bruised
Tennis runs at the nose and offers nothing but the loquacious soliloquy of an enabler. Clearly as to not condone such behavior of either party, one must vehemently oppose it. "Dear Confused" is a letter from Tennis to himself. How indefensible an argument he makes, and then has the ignorance to post this crap as an adviser for others in need to swallow & follow.
Cary Tennis heaves witless for 7 paragraphs before he makes any advance, living in the hypothetical, forgetting about his client and his clients very real problem, and then comes up with the classic enabler responses. What to do? Well, what to do indeed?
Dear Confused & Badly Bruised,
Run, don't walk. Someone is going to jail, the hospital, or the morgue. The question is not if, but which one when, and which one where. If you love her, let her go. You are enabling her to continue her unacceptable behavior, which you will never change by staying. You can not help your wife in any way. The next time you're in the grocery store and see some woman cuffing her kid, just think of that kid as your child.
You cannot fix her past, present or future. You can however, save yourself and your unborn children from this emotionally vexed woman. You've proved your decency by not retaliating in kind to her violence.
Finally, Cary Tennis is has no good advise for you. In fact he has bad advise. What he has said is reprehensible, and he should resign or be terminated. Remember opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one & most of them stink. Mine included. Find professional counsel my friend, but get out first, and now.
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Ohh it hurts so good
In King Kong she punched Kong on the nose; from that moment on Kong dedicated his life to her.
Well you big Gorilla I guess you are hooked on her for life.
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Attack Advice
(slightly) abridged and amended...
1. Open the door
2. Run away!
3. Stay the f**k away from her
4. Live
5. Hopefully happily everafter
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ownership
Cary, as always, your advice is well-measured, honest, empathetic and beautifully written. What came up for me was something I learned from a book called "Intimacy: The Noble Adventure." The authors make the point early on that our adult emotions, and the choices behind them, are ours alone. No one can make you feel angry, hurt, et al; rather, you choose to feel that way. Even if you can't access the place where you are making the choice, you are choosing nonetheless.
This was a true epiphany for me, and very helpful in the (ongoing) healing of my marriage. This idea goes along with your observation that the abuser is feeling alone when the author gets sullen and withdrawn; the author is choosing to shut her out, effectively blaming her, and punishing her, for his feelings. On the flip side, of course, the abuser must take ownership of her emotional choices and accept that the author cannot make her lose control and that she chooses to. Thanks for listening.
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Call 911
And have her thrown in jail, because that's where she belongs.
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Take Great Care
I agree with the posters who have said the letter writer should set an ultimatum and then leave quickly if it is not honored.
One thing that he should be aware of is the strong presumption against the man if things ever escalate to the place where the authorities become involved. Suppose that next time she comes at him, he hurts her somehow in subduing her, and the neighbors call the cops. The police will arrive to find a big man, a small, injured woman, and a report of disturbance. He, not she, would be the one to leave that scene in cuffs.
That leaves aside the possiblity that, next time, she might come after him with a knife or some other weapon . . .
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Cary, this is what killed Phil Hartman
When his wife would scream at him, he would curl up in a ball and pretend to be asleep. And then she would beat on him to get his attention. He was trying to divorce her when she shot him and turned the gun on herself. That's what I read, that's what his distraught friends told the press.
Counseling and rehab and promises and bargains did't work. If only Hartman had the courage to have her thrown in jail where she belonged, he might still be alive today.
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Why the police are better than an ultimatum
A person is most likely to be murdered by an abusing partner within the first two years after delivering on an ultimatum to leave if the violence doesn't stop.
That's why I believe it's best to get the criminal justice system involved at the earliest stage possible in relationship violence.
The resolution of this matter can't be pinned on the victim. Trying to stop the abuse by being a better person -- that's how people end up dead.
I can't emphasize this enough. This guy's life could be in danger. Not now but maybe a few years down the road if he stays with this woman and tries to fix her by fixing himself.
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Cary should go
I have to agree with those who are calling for Cary to be removed. I hope that if an advice columnist in a magazine ever tells a battered woman to stay and try to work out what she is doing to motivate the battering, that that columnist would be fired. This case is just the same. Anyone who gives a victim of violent abuse such advice simply shouldn't be employed by Salon to give people advice.
I also want to say something to those who have identified themselves as feminists and posted to say that domestic violence against a man should be treated just the same as domestic violence against a woman. I wanted to say that you are wonderful advertisements for feminism. There are a lot of people in the world who are under the impression that feminism means discrimination against men, instead of equal treatment regardless of gender. It is a view that is only encouraged by articles like the one Cary wrote - but it is a view that you do much to correct.
Sincerely,
Greg Littmann