Letters to the Editor
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Psychobabble
How much more could this situation have been over analyzed? All this man needs to do is dump the whack job, run and not look back. If a 'victim' has a clear way out and chooses to not use it then my ears are deaf to his or her complaints (whining?) If this man is trapped in this situation with no conduit to safety then we have a valid discussion. If, on the other hand, they follow through with marriage and children and her patterns of irrational abuse continue he and she own the blame equally.
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Been on the receiving end of the fists...
Leave that relationship now. I am a 6', 285 lbs man with a 56" chest and the build of a football player. I spent my youth learning that women were physically weaker and to be protected by men. I married a woman who is 5'6" and much smaller than me. But where she overpowered me was in rage she brought to our relationship. Within weeks of the vows, she was slapping me, breaking my glasses, ripping shirts off my back and spitting at me. Thanks to a self-esteem that was in the gutter and the refusal to defend myself (as well as a legal system that would laugh at my claim) I took the abuse and allowed it to go on for several years. When she recognized that I was beaten down emotionally, she no longer needed her fists and could use her words to have the same impact. She is faultless in her own mind. According to her, she did nothing wrong. She told me that she would not behave this way if I would just do what she asked. Though I have been divorced from her for the past 10 years, there can be moments of fear when I hear her voice at the other end of the phone. And guess who many think of as the bad guy in this divorce? My ex behaved the way she did because of something that even she did not understand. Don't blame feminism for someone being a batterer.
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My wife-to-be attacks me with her fists
Everyone seems to be ignoring sexual dimorphism, or the fact that men are anywhere from 4 to 32 times stronger than a comparably-size woman. This is due to testostene. Men have more of it. While this woman should not be allowed to continue her behavior and that may mean that the relationship will end, to ignore the fact that all this man has to do is backhand her and she ends up seriously hurt is to ignore a biological reality.
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Women can be lethal
"...all this man has to do is backhand her and she ends up seriously hurt is to ignore a biological reality. -- poeslygeia"
Ah, it is to laugh. I have sparred with many a woman who could hit and kick with enough force to knock me flat on my back. Our sparring instructor was a middle-aged woman who could wipe the floor with men twice her size. Add in the rage factor, and it's obvious to anyone who has actually fought a determined woman that women can be very effective and lethal fighters. Don't underestimate 'em.
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Just as I expected...
I just knew someone would come up with the fact that since men are significantly stronger than comparably sized women...blah, blah, blah. As if it excuses her repeatedly hitting him in anger. After all, even though he didn't hit her back, IF he did, watch out! Yeah right. I believe men should exercise restraint but that restraint should not be a license for abuse.
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The silent treatment
Standard disclaimer: Of course, physical violence is unacceptable, regardless of the strength or sex of the attacker. That said, I have no experience whatsoever with physical violence, but I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment. Given the choice, I would probably prefer being punched to being frozen out.
Confused and Bruised writes that his feelings had been hurt earlier in the evening. We don't know how this happened. Maybe it was a completely innocent misunderstanding. Chances are that his fiancee didn't even realize that she had hurt his feelings. Did he even bother to let her know that he was feeling hurt? Unless I'm misinterpreting his letter, he simply went silent and she spent the next thirty minutes wondering what happened.
I have painful memories of this "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not gonna tell you" attitude, and I promised myself that I'll walk out if I'm ever subjected to it again. In any case, it seems to me that Bruised and Confused is at least as abusive as his fiancee. Perhaps both of them should take a step back and ask themselves whether they have the skills to make a marriage work.
PS: Upon rereading my message, I realize that I may just be projecting my own memories upon this situation, but this actually reinforces my point. The silent treatment is bad; even after the better part of a decade the memories still hurt.
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A batterer is a batterer...
OK, Cary usually gives out some pretty great advice. On occasion, his writing is absolutely brilliant and moving, but on this one, he missed the boat completely (except the ending 2 sentences, which seemed to contradict the several paragraphs he'd written before).
I'm a feminist. Sure, I'll cop to the benighted "f" word. (The other one...) Inherently, this means I seek the same rights for women as for men. This also means, at least for me, I hold the same standards for women as for men and this woman, make no mistake, is a batterer and a very, very dangerous person to this man--physically and emotionally.
Sure, men are way better at battering women. It's body dimorphism. They have 40% more upper body strength. But women batter too and many men will not hit them back even in self-defense. Women who do these things are disturbed, to say the least. They are pretty much identical, emotionally and psychologically, to their male counterparts.
Had the sexes been reversed, Cary would never have told a woman to stay with a man who beats her and try to find out what emotions the battered woman was keeping from the abusive man.
Nope, I don't buy it; I don't like it; I find it offensive as a human being and as a feminist. Here's my advice to the man:
GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. Run, do not walk. You cannot fix this woman. Only she can and she doesn't seem like she's up to that right now. An abuser is an abuser and with the added stress of marriage, she will only get worse. You love her, but why do you love someone who causes you physical injury? WHo even attempts to kick you in the groin--to disable you completely? Respect yourself enough to GET OUT and find a woman who can't imagine physically harming you.
In the long run, you will save yourself a great deal of physical and emotional pain.