Letters to the Editor
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Cary Tennis
I've been following Tennis' column sporadically, but am fast becoming a staunch supporter. If Ann Landers had been so full of human wisdom, America would be a better place today.
Bravo.
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Here we go again
Violent woman physically abuses man, man has to admit to his fault in provoking by refusing to talk to her while they're angry - poor victimised woman. Hugs and therapy all round.
I feel like vomiting my lunch. This is why men get bitter about double standards, it greats a huge well of resentment encountering this s**t on a regular basis.
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This is the worst advice I've ever seen!
Jesus H. Christ!
All three of you need therapy: the letter writer, his gf, and Cary. And Cary also needs a career change if he can't give decent advice about something this cut-and-dried.
It doesn't matter if the gf is 100 lbs. lighter than the LW and her tiny fists can't really hurt him. She is still physically abusive. Put this in perspective. Hello, if the situation was reversed, the advice would be to leave and/or call the cops! Were the fiance built like Marion Jones, and could hurt him, the advice would be the same! Were the partner another guy of the same size, who could hurt him, the advice would be the same! Were they both women, the advice would be the same! And, were they two women, the advice would be the same! He shouldn't put up with this. If he is willing to put up with it, he needs therapy.
Further perspective: when people are "distant" at work, does she get to start beating on them?
If she is physically abusive, SHE needs therapy.
It doesn't freaking matter if he's "emotionally distant," that doesn't mean she can make attempts, however pathetic, to beat him up. Until she can deal with her anger, she has no business being in a relationship. After she has that figured out, then maybe they can work together on working out their issues dealing with conflict as a couple together. Again, with a therapist.
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last anon letter
I apologize for the numerous typos in my previous letter...I was so enormously irked by the column that I didn't proofread as I should have.
Incidentally, re: double standards mentioned by a previous writer...in this instance, I couldn't agree more. I AM a small woman. I'm from an emotionally abusive family, too, and yet, somehow, I don't find this gives me license to beat on my much larger boyfriend. We work out our differences in a constructive manner. Shocking!
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If she gets away with it she will feel entitled to do it
That is the problem. It's quite possible that she could be controlled without damage to him indefinitely, but beause she has the "right" to hit him and, of course, he can't hit her the inevitable effect of that on her will be to convince her on a deep level that she is better than him and has rights that he doesn't have. This will happen regardless of any beliefs or emotional reactions that she has about what is happening.
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Violence...
I thought Cary's article was thoughtful, and that in fact it does apply to the other possible permutations of the situation: in any relationship, in any situation, and whether the violence is physical or 'merely' emotional, complication and ambiguity and understanding are all mixed up, and we need to try to heal and grow and find solutions, not just run and damn...
On the other hand, I don't think the letter writer ought to take so much comfort in his physical superiority. I can think of at least two examples: she loses control but happens to have a knife or a bat or a gun in her hand, or he becomes disabled in some way, later into the marriage. In either case he'd potentially be in mortal peril - losing control is losing control.
I think there are solutions for this couple, but they're hard ones, and they need to be taken very seriously indeed.
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Abuse is Abuse
This reply made me crazy as Cary had been getting better last week. I had really enjoyed his replies.
BUT, what a bunch of hot air. Cary is saying female on male abuse should be treated differently than male on female abuse, and also, that the abuse is the man's, or victim's, fault.
Cary, your reply was horrid. OK, let's postulate she gets mad one night (because it's his fault that he's "emotionally distant"), and she hits him and hits him.
And then, he gets angry. And he hits her
And he's in F**KING jail!
To the letter writer, Cary's reply should have read:
Get out of this relationship, NOW. Full Stop.
As my grandmother said about marriage "Rule number one, never, ever, hit."
BTW, I am a woman. Sometimes,Cary, a cigar IS a cigar
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i have to say, Cary, you lost me here...
i do appreciate your attempt to look beyond the complete black and whitenesss of the situation and take complex feelings into account, but i gotta say, i don't see this woman's actions as in any way defensible. i will admit to being a woman who has once or twice felt, at some dark moments in my relationships, a tremendous rage take control of me. i have thrown objects at a wall, in my need to hurt something, break something. it terrifies me to have felt so utterly out of control of my anger--and interestingly, what tipped me over the edge into that level of anger was a similar situation as the letter writer described...not being listened to, being shut out completely when i was feeling so much, etc., etc. so what i am saying is that i can sort of relate to what this woman might have been feeling. i can't, however, relate to her directing her rage physically at her partner.
this woman and only this woman is responsible for her abusive behavior. the fact that she doesn't even admit to her fiance that she finds her own behavior terrifying and wants to change it, but rather blames him for her loss of control, is a bad, bad sign. how is this NOT like the classic habitually abusive husband who strikes his wife and then blames her for provoking him? i think the clear answer here is for the letter-writer to get to a place of safety, which is to say, away from this woman. he could prosecute as well, but it doesn't sound like he wants to bring down legal consequences on her. that's his choice.
and there are things the letter-writer could work on, yes. he is the victim of abuse and has thus far chosen to stay in the abuse, which is something to address. but there's also the valid issue where his way of communicating during a conflict--by refusing to talk and wielding silence in a punitive way--is likely not going to do him any favors, even in a relationship with a non-abusive person.