and a complete nutjob. Any man who stays with a woman that hits is an idiot. Eventually they will bruise themselves and call the police. Seek help, you need it. This man should summarily dump this hag who is sick in the head.

Here's my advice: Get yourself a large cannon, put your fiance in it, and then fire her at a suitably far object. Repeat the treatment for Cary Tennis. Problem solved.

I am mortified by Cary's advice. His audacity to suggest a victim of domestic abuse should remain in an abusive relationship borders on criminal. Today the abuser may be using fists, but tomorrow it may be a knife or gun.

Emotional withdrawal can NEVER justify violence, and certainly not continuing violence. You seem like a nice guy LW, and I hope for the love of god you come to your senses and leave this woman. If she is like this now, there's no saying what she'll be like 10 years into a marriage, or around children. This woman needs to be locked up.

Cary Tennis' advice is not only immoral, but criminal. Let us say that LW does remain in the relationship, and as a result of a minor argument LW's abuser fatally attacks him with a knife. Cary and his advice could be held indirectly responsible for his death, as he had to assist the victim to leave the abusive relationship, but failed to do so. The fact that his advice urges him to do the opposite is outrageous and beggars belief.

It's real and it's chilling. And grossly under-recognized. Any smart Cary reader should Google it. Caveat: avoid Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed expert credentialed by a diploma mill. Find other sources and learn this...

Much misery will be avoided, I promise it.

(Nothing to do with you, LW, just a pet mental health crusade...thanks for sharing your thread.)

An update....

We are still talking about it. She went to a therapist. She reported back to me that, though she painted a fair picture of the incident(s) to her therapist, her therapist told her it was my problem. He said that I must be really frustrating to drive her to hitting. He said something to her like "I'm surprised you didn't hit him sooner", and never having met me, he has diagnosed me as having a Narcicistic Personality Disorder. She feels completely justified now. According to her, we need now to go to couples counselling so we can work out "our" problems (which when pressed, she will admit she now sees as my problems).

If I had any doubt about what to do before, I sure don't anymore.

Look, think of it this way. Hitting someone is crossing a very important glass wall. You cannot do it, ever. I'm 6'2" and I weigh around 230. I cannot hit someone, ever. I would put them in the hospital, and myself in jail. Once you cross that Rubicon, and begin to deal with problems through physical force rather than talk, NO MATTER HOW FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY YOU ARE, it's game over. Nobody can do that. You just can't. Get out now. If she's like this now, what's she going to be like down the road? And God help you if kids become involved.

Wow, this post is really hot, even days after Cary left it behind.

Gilda, while I appreciate your sympathy for the LW's dearly beloved, there's a line that was crossed when physical violence came into play...no exceptions, none whatsoever...in the "ideal" world, anyone doing that (male or female) would be thrown in the slammer. Hell, a stranger could do that to me and end up in Oz after the trial was over. Why should we cut this woman any slack, regardless of her past experiences? The reason people think this is black and white is because IT IS that simple.

I'm not writing her off, but if we make a freakin' exception to every person because of some kind of mental/emotional problem, it'll just keep snowballing to the point where NO ONE is responsible for their actions. Case in point...look at that lady down in Houston that drowned her 5 children because she wanted to keep them from going to hell. She's getting a re-trial on a technicality, and may very well end up out of prison due to her mental illness claims. Locally, we have this Plano, TX housewife that chopped off the arms of her kid because God told her to. Sure, these folks may or may not be mentally insane, but for crying out loud, when does the concept of PUNISHMENT for your behavior ever become a factor? And don't give me this "the pain and suffering is punishment enough" bullshit. We have laws for a reason, and last time I checked, no one (supposedly) is above the law.

That's why you see all the vociferous posts (like mine) on this topic. Folks like me are tired of excuses.

Cary, I've written you before about your odd lack of sympathy with male victims of abuse. You didn't respond to that, which I thought shameful; I had included enough detailed examples of this trend to justify at least some answer.

This, however, is too much. You go too far, sir. You should resign at once or give some reasonable answer to the charges laid before you. If you won't do that, perhaps your editors will, especially if they are faced with a loss of subscribers. I certainly hope Salon's readers have enough sympathy with victims of domestic violence to do the right thing here.

I look forward to your successor.

Do it. Separate and forget about her while you still can.

Why would you even consider having a fiance (marriage) considering the level of risks involved marrying women in Amerika in any event?

Of course, you should always check for signs of mental illness, especially when dating a woman raised in the Amerikan culture.

The overall solution to problems like this is for men to not even consider getting married or "engaged" in the USA. If a man wants to have a marriage and family, he should move overseas.

Liberate your fiance from the oppression of marriage. After all, it's an institution of the patriarchy.