Letters to the Editor
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Okay, let's all take a deep breath!
I feel that the debate has gotten a little shrill and out of hand, and that Cary is being chastised somewhat harshly. Much of the anger to his response seems to spring from what is perceived as a double standard on domestic violence. And though he does seem to be suggesting that, I feel that his answer is being taken very much out of context. However, in my reading, nowhere does he suggest that the matter is not serious and he quite explicitly says that therapy by both parties is required.
At the risk, perhaps, of sounding like I'm suggesting a double-standard as well, I think it is important to go back to the original letter and try to see the situation through more objective eye, which is, after all, what Cary is supposed to do. I've seen some female friends get involved in abusive relationships, and I must say that the dynamic in those relationships really are different from the one described by LW. In the relationships I've seen, the abuse, both emotional and physical, is a nearly constant struggle for domination by the males: "Where are you going? When will you be back? Where have you been; you said you'd be back 15 minutes ago. You're not doing "X" right, I thought we agreed you'd do it this way from now on."
Although I know that they occur, I've no personal knowledge of a relationship with the female as the abusing controller, so I speak now only of the situations I've observed
While violence is deplorable, regardless of the gender of the attacker, I think it is also legitimate to ask, as Cary seems to have done, if LW's situation is truly that of battered spouse or if the situation might be better viewed using a different paradigm. Three incidents in two years is regrettable, but as described by LW it doesn't seem to indicate an ongoing pattern of abuse designed to leave LW a compliant little doormat. In case, the incident seems to have blown up from a situation in which each party seemed to know exactly how to bring out the absolute worst in each other. It's definitely not healthy, to be sure, but in this case is it incurable? Cary merely suggested that there might be a cure... with a lot of work and therapy by both parties.
Let's go back and approach the situation from a different perspective. Suppose Letter Writer had not written but he and Flying Fists had shown up in Cary's office asking for help. From my reading of most of the letters, the only appropriate response from Cary, in their mind, would be for him to cut them off flat. "Let me save you the trouble and stop you right there. LW, the only thing you need to know is that she's hit you three times and that's that. Get out while you can. And you, Flying Fists, you need to have your tubes tied right away because you're clearly a psychotic, controlling, abusive bitch (to echo some of the invective hurled her way by some of the letter writers). No, you two need to understand that the person you are now is the person you will always be, and it is impossible that your relationship can be improved in any way. Especially you, Flying Fists; you're probably a sociopath, too. I know because I'm especially gifted at instant analysis of a person's complex motives and pathology based on A.) Never having met them in person, and B.) only using information provided by the other person in the altercation.
I can see where many of the letter writers are coming from in terms of the apparent double-standard, but I think Cary is to be commended for his attempt to move past the knee-jerk response and look for deeper questions in LW's situation.