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• Tuesday, January 3, 2006 01:14 AM

  Wrong advice, Cary

  I'm puzzled by Cary Tennis' advice to the battered letter writer who asked whether he should marry his fiancee. To an extent, I can understand Cary's desire to understand both sides of the issue from both her correspondent's point of view and his fiancee's. But in doing this, I think she's lost sight of what's important.

  The woman has clearly suffered a great deal in her life. Her fiance should appreciate that & be sensitive to it. But once she attacks him she loses all right to sympathy. Further, when she tells him it was his fault, she betrays the classic symptom of a batterer. A phyical attack is a RED FLAG. If you don't heed it you will only regret it sooner rather than later.

  I think I know a thing or two about this as I was emotionally & physically battered by both my parents. In fact, I've written about my experiences in the blog post linked to this letter.

  The only advice of Cary's I'd agree with is that the man should seek counseling if he (mistakenly, I think) wishes to stay in this relationship. In fact, he should make it a condition of staying with her that both of them AND she separately be in counseling. If she isn't amenable to this (& I find it highly doubtful she would be) then he should tell her he's leaving--and DO IT.

  A close friend came to me 2 weeks before his marriage and told me he had profound doubts about his fiancee and the relationship. He asked me what to do. I told him to cancel the wedding. Even after he told me how embarrassed & devestated she would be by this news, I offered the same advice. And I say the same to Cary's correspondent. It is very likely you will be very unhappy in this relationship if you persist. If you decide to stay, it will be your own lookout (as the Irish say).

  —richards1052 Read richards1052's other letters
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