I think you are missing the point. The daughter is not really concerned about how to deal with inappropriate gifts from her mother. Her relationship with her mother "has been and continues to be tedious at best." Her mother and father had a "very ugly divorce" and "when he died, she berated him constantly and still speaks negatively about him." She feels her mother "needs help and should work out her issues" and should stop sending "thoughtless, wasteful" gifts. Pretty strong language. Her problem is that she doesn't like her mother. She doesn't want her mother in her life. The Christmas gifts remind her that, unfortunately, her mother is a part of her life. That's the letter writer's problem. The mother may indeed "have some issues," but the letter writer obviously has some issues she herself needs to deal with...

This sounds to me like the mother is trying to manipulate the daughter, definitely like she's trying to forge some type of contract so the daughter will have to take her in once the mother has squandered her money.

She should deal with this bluntly. When mother says "I'll move in with you," the daughter should straight out say, "the hell you will." She should make it clear in NO uncertain terms that is not going to happen.

And if the gifts keep coming, oh well, I guess a charity will keep getting useless gifts.

Incidentally, my mother is also completely irresponsible with money, and buys me useless things after I've repeatedly said I don't want/need them. For my wedding, she said "I'm getting you X." I kept telling her that her presence was enough. She insisted. Finally I said, "I don't want X. I have no place to put X, and X is neither my nor my husband's taste." She bought it anyway and said if I didn't like it I could return it. To the store where she bought it, 50 miles away, while my husband and I were in the middle of a honeymoon and a cross-country move. It went on e-bay, and it still pisses me off to think about it.

I think Cary missed the mark with this:

"It's probably also true that your disapproval of her habits stems from the same source as her buying you gifts: familial love and a desire to help, to protect."

From the LW's comments about her mother maintaining she's going to live with her daughter, it seems to me much more likely that the disapproval stems from the fear that her mother's sending of gifts is an implicit contract. One, moreover, she's not willing to sign up to. I don't see either familial love or a desire to help in this letter. I see instead a terror that she will be obligated to one day have her mother live with her. And that obligation will be harder to repudiate if her mother has sent gifts, no matter how inappropriate they may be.

Okay I get the odd gift from family here and there that either indicates how little they know about my tastes or are gifts with a clear agenda.

This example goes beyond that into a clearly unhealthy relationship. I suspect that with each gift LW's mother is making an internal unspoken contract. If I do this then they'll owe me in my old age and take care of me. "See how often you are in my thoughts...now they'll have to love me". The longer this goes on the more painful the final result will be as the unspoken contract will be broken.

Time, not money is the currency that needs to be spent here, if this woman is to "buy" her way into a family's good graces. Sounds like she's got a long way to go.

Wow, this letter touched a chord in me. My siblings and I have almost exactly the same experience, but with gifts intended for our children. My mother rarely sees her grandchildren, due to geographic distances, so she showers us with all kinds of useless toys and clothing. Also, she loves to shop. If we kept everything she sends us, we wouldn't have room to walk around the house.

There isn't much you can do about this. However, the flow of junk can be moderated a bit if you request something specific, like books, and/or try to do some letter writing. Sometimes the urge to connect with children or grandchildren can be satisfied, at least a little, with correspondence instead of gifts.

I have to be anonymous here, but to my brother and sisters who've discussed this problem at length -- you know who you are!

I couldn't agree more with you Cary, I think the mother is trying to connect with the LW in the only way she really knows how--and if after 10 years, the pattern hasn't changed, I doubt that it ever really will.

If the LW is truly concerned about her mother's finances in retirement, in addition to the gift of a financial planning session (or twelve, if the need is that great), I would spend a little of the time the LW spends resenting her mother for these gifts in turning them into cash or some other asset--a once-a-year garage or white- elephant sale, maybe eBay? You say you donate the items to a charity and take the deductions (do you include your mileage to the donation site?). Could you put the tax savings or outright earnings in a fund for your mom--an IRA, an ING savings account? It won't be much, admittedly, but it will be something to show her you care.

Maudlin holiday baggage or not (and I am as curmudgeonly as they come), my parents cared for me when I was unable to do so and loved me when I probably wasn't very lovable, and I look forward to the opportunity to repay the favor sometime. Many times over. It all comes full circle. Make the best of a funny, bad situation. Merry Christmas.

I've been touched -- to the point of tears -- by Cary Tennis' replies to the last two letters (this one, and the one about the sick old dog). By getting past both the enabling approach (traditional) and the snarky approach (so trendy), Cary is give extremely useful advice that could change someone's life.

I envision the Christmas-junk recipient giving a long sigh, calling the airline, making her reservation, and spending a painful week with her mom to craft a financial plan that will make everyone oh so much happier 20 years from now.

And, if she isn't able to do it, I'll be there are a half dozen others of us who will. Thank you, Cary.