I feel so sorry for this dog. She has nobody to stand up for her. Her dearest friend (the husband) has wimped out to please this cold and unkind woman. I won't post what I am thinking, because it would just be a bunch of cursing. What I cannot bear is unkindness to totally innocent, loving creatures.

Despicable.

Heather:

Yeah, I saw that definition when I confirmed my suspicion that I'd misspelled sanctimonious.

Anyway, I don't necessarily agree with your argument that one must be totally pure on the subject at hand to criticize another, or even to insult someone doing something blatantly bad. For instance, most people would loudly criticize someone who kicks a dog, even as those people munch on a cheeseburger that was the product of terrible cruelty to animals. I think that's what's a play here, in that LW is treating the dog more poorly than is normally accepted.

For what it's worth, I am one of those vegan types who speaks out against cruelty to both animals and people, so maybe I really am sanctimonious...or just sanctimonious.

How you handle the little things is very indicative of how you'll handle the big things.

Wanting to walk away from a relative easy family problem (and face it, this is easy compared to the hard stuff most families will face at some time) doesn't bode well.

Being there through thick and thin is what family does.

People with animals tend to compare domestic animals to children because that is what they are: dependents that we have adopted to live in our homes. They demand care, give affection, and yes, cause tensions just as any family member would. But there's a difference; to many people, they are seen as throwaway product. Go to any animal shelter and you will find the results of unplanned pregnancies, cages full of inconvenient naughty teenagers, and old folks left behind on the side of the road. It's heartbreaking, and for this reason animal lovers can seem fierce.

But there's no denying old animals take time, patience, and an extraordinary amount of care. This letter writer did not know this; then again, she did not adopt the dog. He is her step-dog, which can be a tricky relationship. She doesn't love the dog like her husband does, but at least she's trying to cope. I suspect she wrote the letter in hopes that Cary would give her the go ahead to euthanize it, but happily, he gave her responsible advice. Vets can often treat incontinence, and give her more ideas on how to handle an aging pet. Having cared for many old, sick animals, I can vouch that it's difficult, and at times exasperating, disgusting, and inconvenient. All of those things the letter writer feels. She doesn't deserve to be pilloried. She needs constructive help from a vet and her husband.

Which I think describes perfectly people who would call someone a bitch because she supposedly lacks compassion. Do you see the irony there? Anonymous, if you aren't one of the people trashing her, my comments aren't directed at you. But we are all at the mercy of each other's good or ill will--not just children and animals. As an animal lover who also cares about other humans, I'm speaking up because these vicious comments don't represent my point of view.

I want to comment on a comment about cultural expectations. I don't think a cultural expectation can justify animal cruelty much in the same way that it could justify spousal or child abuse. Being part Asian, I have experienced a lot of the "it's okay to hit/beat your wife or kids because that's what people in [specific Asian country] do". I have seen it in my family and other Asian families. It's horrifying. Often this same argument carries over to animals. (So it's not about equating animals with humans, but taking unethcial "human standards" and applying it to animals). However, there's a growing movement among many Asians to be vegetarian or vegan and to campaign for animal rights. Yet the ethical treatment of animals is not a new idea in Asia. As one of my Chinese friends pointed out, some of the best Chinese cooks in the world are vegetarian Buddhists, (who incidentally, have been around for a while). When Hurricane Katarina hit New Orleans, I had the pleasure of meeing other Asian and African-American vegetarians who took time off from work to rescue the abandonded pets. Being aware of the injustices done to animals is not specific to any cultures.

My sister-in-law was never a dog person but my brother really wanted a dog, and this was at a time when they had a baby in the house. My brother said that the dog would protect them, and my SIL scoffed at this, but relented, and damn if that dog didn't go and save their daughter's life one day. SIL says she'll care for that mutt until his last day on earth and then bury him with honors.

We have only the LW's word that her husband is paying attention to the dog to the exclusion of caring for the kids. There are a LOT of assumptions being made here that the husband is ignoring his children, putting them lower on the priority list, using the dog to get out of caring for the children, etc. So let's look at the letter:

When we first got married, the dog was not too much of a problem -- the long walks in the evening didn't interfere with any responsibilities my husband had, and the dog was housebroken.

It's apparent from the tone of this paragraph that the LW never really cared much for the dog. It's also apparent that the LW didn't take walks WITH her husband (why not? seems like that might have been a nice after-work windown).

Unfortunately, about two years later, the dog became incontinent, probably due to old age (she was 12 at the time), and at the same time we had our first baby. Ever since then, the dog has been an enormous source of tension. I can't bear the smell of the dog's urine, which, even though she is now confined to a small part of the house, and even though my husband tries (though not hard enough I think) to keep her area clean, continues to pervade that part of the house. Because she is so old (15 and a half by now), the walks take a long time and always seem to occur at the most inconvenient times, such as when I need help with our kids in the morning, or right after work when we need to make them dinner.

From this, it is clear that the dog is IN FACT confined to a small part of the the house, probably well away from the rest of the family. If that's the case, maybe the husband is trying to give the dog some of his time because otherwise it's back in the laundry room (or wherever) without human interaction--since clearly the LW prefers not to interact with the dog, and it seems likely that the kids (BTW, apparently they've had at least 2 kids within 3 years) are not allowed near the dog either. I think that the dog deserves at LEAST that much interaction a couple of times a day, since she's apparently not getting much at other times.

It is interesting to me that this situation has been going on for 3 years. Why HASN'T the dog been taken to the vet (or has she? what was the verdict? why haven't things like piddle pads and various cleaners been investigated?)

As an aside, I want to say that dog pee is NOT like cat pee. It's a lot more like human pee in smell and in the ability to clean it up with little or no trace. I've lived with incontinent dogs before, and getting rid of the smell is really not difficult.

I thought, of course, that nature would resolve the problem for us, but with each year I am beginning to wonder just how long I will have to put up with this. What if this dog lives to be 17 or 18? I don't feel it is ethical to put a dog to sleep just because you're tired of having it around, but at the same time, I find myself being mildly annoyed at the dog's needs several times a week. The other problem is, I feel guilty about how I feel. This is, after all, another living being, and it isn't her fault that she creates so much work. I have realized, belatedly, that I am not a good person to have an animal, because I'm basically not comfortable with having another living being in the house who is treated so unequally, yet I am not one of those "dog people" who is willing to sacrifice everything (and most especially olfactory comfort) for their pet.

It doesn't sound like, from her description, that the dog needs all that much, or is being given all that much--a little concentrated attention a couple of times a day, and it seems that her husband is doing most of the cleaning-up-after (although not well enough, by her lights).

Most "dog people" aren't willing to "sacrifice everything" for their pet--but they do want to do everything they can to keep their pet comfortable into old age.

And for those who say that after all, she DOES feel gulty, she's writing Cary about it--folks, Cary is an ADVICE columnist, and this has been going on for 3 YEARS. Why hasn't she consulted a vet, a behaviorist, someone with dog experience?

I have no idea what kind of person the LW is, or what the basic motives are but honestly, It sounds like there are some other things wrong with this marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if, once the dog dies, the real issue rears its head.