Heather:

I could accuse you of being sanctmonius and self-righteous and school marmy and all, but I'll refrain. Just because some of us have strong opinions on this, opinions stemming from the fact that animals, like children, are at the mercy of adults in this world, doesn't make us sanctimonius; it just makes us concerned.

It's amazing how much people know about this considering that wasn't in the letter.

First of all, the LW doesn't want to euthanize the dog. It's obviously occurred to her, but she clearly doesn't like the idea; so what's with attacking her for killing the dog?

To the 1 or 2 pet haters claiming the dog is miserable and should be put down, where do you get that? The dog is incontinent. It's still going on walks, so it's probably still in OK shape.

To people calling the woman a tyrant, how do you know? The LW says that the husband is taking longer walks than he used to and at times - morning getting ready and dinner- that involve a lot of labor for parents. Is the husband excused 'cause they have an old dog?

The whole husband dodging work is the one key issue we have any meaningful information about here, but it's hard to speculate about what's going on. Maybe the LW had bullied her husband into confining the dog in a tiny area when he feels she (the dog) could have much more liberty, so he retaliates by taking more time for the dog at times when there's lots of work to do; thereby compensating a bit for the dog's confinement and passive aggressively punishing his wife. On the other hand, maybe the guy is just lazy and using the dog as an excuse to skip out on work. Who can tell?

One thing that strikes me is that the LW offers no explanation of why her husband is spending all this time with the dog or how he feels about her demands concerning the dog. There's no mention of conversation or his feelings. That strikes me as ominous, but maybe Cary just edited it out. These people need to actually communicate about their conflicting positions. My impression is that they're just fighting.

The other big thing that strikes me is that they don't seem to have explored all their options. If they had, they would have discovered the "doggie diapers" solution. So it seems like these people need to talk to each other and make a real effort to find solutions.

We have only the LW's word that her husband is paying attention to the dog to the exclusion of caring for the kids. There are a LOT of assumptions being made here that the husband is ignoring his children, putting them lower on the priority list, using the dog to get out of caring for the children, etc. So let's look at the letter:

When we first got married, the dog was not too much of a problem -- the long walks in the evening didn't interfere with any responsibilities my husband had, and the dog was housebroken.

It's apparent from the tone of this paragraph that the LW never really cared much for the dog. It's also apparent that the LW didn't take walks WITH her husband (why not? seems like that might have been a nice after-work windown).

Unfortunately, about two years later, the dog became incontinent, probably due to old age (she was 12 at the time), and at the same time we had our first baby. Ever since then, the dog has been an enormous source of tension. I can't bear the smell of the dog's urine, which, even though she is now confined to a small part of the house, and even though my husband tries (though not hard enough I think) to keep her area clean, continues to pervade that part of the house. Because she is so old (15 and a half by now), the walks take a long time and always seem to occur at the most inconvenient times, such as when I need help with our kids in the morning, or right after work when we need to make them dinner.

From this, it is clear that the dog is IN FACT confined to a small part of the the house, probably well away from the rest of the family. If that's the case, maybe the husband is trying to give the dog some of his time because otherwise it's back in the laundry room (or wherever) without human interaction--since clearly the LW prefers not to interact with the dog, and it seems likely that the kids (BTW, apparently they've had at least 2 kids within 3 years) are not allowed near the dog either. I think that the dog deserves at LEAST that much interaction a couple of times a day, since she's apparently not getting much at other times.

It is interesting to me that this situation has been going on for 3 years. Why HASN'T the dog been taken to the vet (or has she? what was the verdict? why haven't things like piddle pads and various cleaners been investigated?)

As an aside, I want to say that dog pee is NOT like cat pee. It's a lot more like human pee in smell and in the ability to clean it up with little or no trace. I've lived with incontinent dogs before, and getting rid of the smell is really not difficult.

I thought, of course, that nature would resolve the problem for us, but with each year I am beginning to wonder just how long I will have to put up with this. What if this dog lives to be 17 or 18? I don't feel it is ethical to put a dog to sleep just because you're tired of having it around, but at the same time, I find myself being mildly annoyed at the dog's needs several times a week. The other problem is, I feel guilty about how I feel. This is, after all, another living being, and it isn't her fault that she creates so much work. I have realized, belatedly, that I am not a good person to have an animal, because I'm basically not comfortable with having another living being in the house who is treated so unequally, yet I am not one of those "dog people" who is willing to sacrifice everything (and most especially olfactory comfort) for their pet.

It doesn't sound like, from her description, that the dog needs all that much, or is being given all that much--a little concentrated attention a couple of times a day, and it seems that her husband is doing most of the cleaning-up-after (although not well enough, by her lights).

Most "dog people" aren't willing to "sacrifice everything" for their pet--but they do want to do everything they can to keep their pet comfortable into old age.

And for those who say that after all, she DOES feel gulty, she's writing Cary about it--folks, Cary is an ADVICE columnist, and this has been going on for 3 YEARS. Why hasn't she consulted a vet, a behaviorist, someone with dog experience?

I have no idea what kind of person the LW is, or what the basic motives are but honestly, It sounds like there are some other things wrong with this marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if, once the dog dies, the real issue rears its head.