Letters to the Editor
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Dog Days
The LW does not love the dog the way the husband does - that much is clear. But when she took the husband on, she took the dog on, and now she must cope with the (possibly protracted) the end of the dog's life with good grace, kindness, and compassion for all.
A new life is often as needful in the same ways as a life in the end stages. When her children were infants, the couldn't communicate except through sounds, often reeked with the odor of urine and poo, slobbered when they were happy, and ate and drank with unmindful, straightforward need. These things aren't considered horrible or disgusting - they are part of the beginning of life, and as such most people find them to have a certain innocent beauty. The end of the dog's life can be described in the exact same terms - it makes odd sounds, reeks of urine, slobbers, and lives only to eat and drink. Because the dog is at the end of it's life, these things take on a negative resonance, as we instinctively shy away from anything that reminds of the ugly truth of mortality.
If the dog continues to find joy in eating, walking, and the presence of it's master (the LW's husband), the LW should become a mouth breather for awhile, and change her perspective to see the dog's slow demise not as a smelly and annoying inconvenience, but as a simple and powerful demonstration of the circle of life. To her I would say: bear witness to this dog's death as you have it's life. Assist your husband in giving the dog a dignified and comfortable end, whenever that may be. Be grateful for the opportunitiy to help him with his grief - in this there will be learning, and beauty, as well.
And thank you, Cary, for your lovely words. I lost my 18-year-old dog last night at 2:30 a.m. He had been incontinent for a year, which I dealt with using dog training pads. Other than that, he was quite happy right up to his last days, though he looked a little the worse for wear (as he got older he got quite grumpy and hated to be bathed, groomed and generally messed with). It was the hardest thing ever, when he died in my arms. Seeing him there on the table at the end - so old, used up, and vulnerable, I loved him as much, more even, than when he was a hilarious little puppy with mischief on his mind. He was my friend, he was loved, he was love.
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Huh!!??!!
You , my dear, are a B-I-O-T-C-H-E. May you face this when you are an old woman and become incontinent! Dogs are the most loyal and wonderful friends man could ever know - yet when they are old and infirm, it is acceptable to kill them because they don't potty in the appropriate place!?! Would you do this to Grandma and Grandpa? I hope your husband divorces your cold-hearted ass!
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New Tricks
We put our family dog, age fifteen, to sleep when she developed kidney failure. I'm twenty and can barely remember a time when Moet was not a part of our lives. I was not able to be with her in the end.
I loved her dearly. She was very expressive, smart, and polite. She was also odd, and frustrating, and seriously neurotic. She licked her feet compulsively, until they were raw. I bandaged them up. She would fixate on an object for hours. I spent many days letting her in and out of the house every few seconds. She was terrified of water. I'm talking about a Labrador retriever here. She whimpered at night for no apparent reason. I got up with her. When she got older she was stricken with a balance disorder. Sometimes she was fine. Sometimes she couldn't stand. I got her a basket with walls, so she wouldn't get disoriented, and fed her by hand. Then I carried her outside because she refused to go in the house. Not even on newspaper. She was a weird old thing, but she was my dog. I didn't mind.
She was not my mother's dog. They got on each other's nerves. Moet nipped at my mom's heels, sometimes literally. My dog was anxious and obsessive and my mom was sick of it by the time Moet was 12 and Moet just kept on living. That dog drove me nuts sometiemes and I loved her to her fussy little feet. I imagine there were many days when my mom wished she could take old Mo' down the road to Dr. Death and have done with it. But she didn't. Mostly becasue she's a very giving person but also becasue she knew me and my dad and my sister all cared for Mo, and my mother cared for all of us enough to put up with it. And you know what? Eventually Moet got really sick and died (she was euthanized, but at that point she was hours from death anyway). And we cried and moved on.
What we didn't do was have a mighty row over a beloved and elderly pet. If I ever fight with Mom over anything, I can't play the "you killed my favorite dog because she was annoying" card. My family wasn't split into camps. By the time Moet died I was ready to let her go, so I'm not angry or guilty and I don't feel gypped.
I know it's hard to have a really old pet, especially if she has special needs. My other dog is also quite elderly and suffers from diabetes. She is blind and sometimes incontinent. It's probably a lot worse if you're not a dog person. And hygiene is a special concern since you have a baby. But I still think it's not up to you to put the dog to sleep. That has to be your husband's decision.
There are ways to make life easier for you and your husband's dog. Like Mr. Tennis said, take her to the vet. There might be some underlying problem. If you have a room with tile or vinyl floors which isn't often used--like a second bathroom? An empty corner in the kitchen?--you can set the dog up in there and clean-up won't be as difficult. You might try crating the dog at night. This may seem unfair to you, but most dogs like to den at night anyway and don't like to go where they sleep. If she has even a little control she won't go in the crate. Another idea is that she may just need to go outside more frequently now that she is older. Belle--my diabetic dog--is perfectly housetrained but cannot wait six or eight hours. If you have a yard, make the dog go out every few hours. This will also help reenforce the idea that the bathroom is outside. It may be that your old dog just forgot a little. Install a doggie door if you're away a lot or, if you live an apartment or have a tiny yard, hire some local kid to walk her for a few bucks a week. This should also give your husband more time to help you.