Letters to the Editor
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No forgiveness necessary!
In response to Biff Usually's letter, why does her past behavior necessitate her current boyfriend's forgiveness?
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It won't end here
Even if this sanctimonious prick deigns to (gag) forgive you for the sin of being a sexually active human, he'll soon find something else to hold over your head.
You shouldn't have to hold your breath, wondering what else he'll find fault with. Leave him and don't look back. You deserve so much better.
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getting surreal
I usually like to buck the trend in the letters section, but I have to agree with the chorus here. Someone above mentioned that this sounds like a line we men have heard before, and this guy is trying to make you feel like you have to apologize to him, "make it up to him", whatever, for having fooled around a lot. I won't say how you should feel about your past; I very much doubt you should feel bad about it, but that's your decision to make.
I will say that any guy that deals with your past history with anything other than the usual mixture of respect, compassion and humility that we expect from everyone else in our lives is definitely NOT someone you want in your life, let alone to be having sex with.
PS: "physically ill". Give me a break. This guy is either extremely immature (I doubt it), or a masterful manipulator. Get out! Get out!
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Don't be (a)shamed or frustrated
If you're 'shamed' then you're being bullied. If you're 'ashamed' then you're Catholic.
In the best of worlds, questioning one's partner's sexual history is sheerly pragmatic: "When was the last time you exchanged fluids with someone who isn't me; and, when were you last tested?" End of story. Safety first.
But when it comes to intimacy, you have to be honest in spite of jealousy, and sincere in spite of competitiveness. Candidness about sexual history and past relationships can take on a whole new dimension.
Any cynic about relationships knows this universal truth: just because your partner doesn't know that he/she is manipulating you, doesn't mean you're not being manipulated.
My suspicion is that the boyfried is harboring a deep hurt from a past relationship, or is just plain too competitive and can't move beyond the fact that SAF has more notches on her belt than he does. Or both, along with a nice dose of jealousy for good measure.
Passive-aggressive guilt trips and self-flagellation over ideals of purity is a game that people with promiscuous pasts should not play with each other. My advice to him: get out. To her: get out fast.
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Love this line...
"You are not an exotic land that men have visited and reminisce about in comfortable chairs."
But once upon a time, this was my goal!
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Danger Signs Require Action
Cary Tennis was far too poetic and kind in his advice. This guy is abusing you, and it is a serious danger sign. Why would anyone who loved you go out of his way to make you feel awful about things you cannot possibly change because they happened in the past? This is bullying, plain and simple, and it is motivated by hate -- not love. He may not hate you, he may hate himself, but either way it is hateful and destructive, not loving and constructive. It is one thing to gently criticize a new love on some aspect of her behavior or looks that can be improved. It is entirely another to harp on something that cannot be changed, especially when the crticisim is utterly hypocritical. If you had not shown some sense of guilt about your past, he would not have continued to bring it up. He brings it up because he knows it hurts you. This guy does not love you! He wants to posses you and control you, but that is not love. You have no future with him, unless you want to be abused emotionally for the rest of your life. He is a bottomless pit of destructive emotions, and you should get out now! It is possible to fall in love with such a person, but no matter how much you want it, they will never love you back, they will only need and take. You say this is your first time in love. There will be more and better in the future. The first time is usually a very painful mistake, but also a very valuable learning process.
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I was your boyfriend
The man you are dating - I was "him" about two years ago. I was an insecure man dating a wonderful woman who had about twice as many sex partners as I had. I didn't know how to deal with it. It tainted everything we shared. Vacations, college-visits, photographs, even the names of people I knew who shared names with her previous partners. I crucified her regularly for her "sins" on the altar of my own insecurities. Our relationship ended horribly with words and actions on my part that made her history pale in comparison. Now, I have my own "history".
Eight months of psychotherapy and a year of anti-depressants later, I am able to cope with my current girlfriend's "history". I know she has one but I don't ask the questions because I don't want the answers. She knows I have a "history", but doesn't ask the questions because she doesn't want the answers. We agreed that the parts of our lives that we are not proud of have no bearing on our future together. Our mistakes led us to become who we are today, for better or worse and until one of us can walk on water, we do not expect perfection from all the days before or for all the days ahead.
Contrary to what others have said, he probably does love you. But his inner demons are shouting down his better angels. And he *WILL* *NOT* *CHANGE* without help. If you are committed to this man, give him an ultimatum - couples counseling or bachelorhood. Should he choose the bachelor route, leave him with this parting advice:
If he wants "pure" women, he had better join the most conservative church he can find. But he should be prepared to answer for his own "history".