My wife and I were "baby boomers" and therefore young 20-somethings in the early 70's, with all of that generation's pleasures and problems. If the LW's BF thinks one threesome brands the LW with a scarlet letter, he certainly would have had a problem in the 70's trying to find a mate worth the keeping.

The BF needs to get a life. He should feel fortunate to have found a mate who loves him, enjoys sex with him, and obviously has a healthy sense of sexual exploration (with an emphasis on the word "healthy"). My comment is written from the perspective of a man who has now been very happily married for 40 years to a woman who was also an "explorer" when we were young and were developing a sense of who we were, what we were, and what we wanted the limits of our sexual relationship to be.

We left that kind of sexual exploration behind a couple of decades ago, and we now feel blessed to enjoy a warm and "conventional" sexual relationship that provides all we need for this stage of our life together (although it still includes a little exploration, but just with each other).

My suggestion: Unless the BF has a rapid and complete change of heart that includes agreeing to an individual, personal exploration with a mental health professional of the causes for his rigid attitude, LW needs to ditch this BF now and find a mate who can understand (and even feel privileged to share) her healthy sexual attitude, a sexual relationship that can grow and evolve as the rest of their relationship does, too.

DRDEUT

I read the question 'Am I not pure enough for him' and thought what does that really mean? I looked up 'pure' and found 'chaste'. I looked up 'chaste' and chose the meaning that it closest to the context: "Not having experienced sexual intercourse; virginal". It should be stated that it also lists 'Abstaining from unlawful sexual intercourse' and 'Abstaining from all sexual intercourse; celibate'as accepted meanings. I say let the dictionary point the way in this case. The boyfriend is horrified that his girlfriend has slept with half the number of people that he has. Since math has clearly failed him as a tool in making sense of things, he may see things more clearly if he starts with a dictionary. Is he 'pure' or 'chaste'? Clearly not. Is his girlfriend? Again, clearly not. Now, why is this a problem? It seems that he thinks that his girlfriend must somehow do something to amend for this impurity while he is apparantly holding the equivalent of a 'Get out of jail free' card that gets him out of the situation.

The whole thing is ludicrous. Perhaps he would be happier living in a culture where women are stoned to death for adultry while men not so much? I think he should think of this, think of the sad, violent, painful ways that some women in the world are punished for being intimate with a man and then think of how he thinks of his girlfriend and his persecution of her and lay off. Yes, I know that this is harsh and that he is likely just scared that because there is evidence that his girlfriend likes sex she will seek it from others and he will be lonely. But, yeah, he needs perspective and compassion and to think about things. Or he could abstain from sex and be so so pure that he could be really happy aboput himself and inspire the women he desires to be worthy of him.

WHO IS CARY TENNIS?

HOW COME HE IS SO WELL INFORMED,SO THOUGHTFUL AND SO WISE?

IS HE ONE PERSON OR A GROUP OF PEOPLE?

To the angry 'normal' person:

What are you so angry about? Seriously, are you jealous the LW has had more sexual expereinces than you? Otherwise, you'd have nothing to be angry about since she isn't your girlfriend.

We all choose how many people we want to have sex with and don't need to tell OTHER people how many they should choose!

I haven't asked a lot of my friends if that uncommon. It may not be predominant, but it is not 'abnormal' or 'immoral.'

But so what if it was, it still doens't justify anger.

We used to not care so much if people were different, as long as we were free to chart our own destiny. Now people are not satisfied with autonomy over their own life, they want to control others too.

Now THAT'S sick

-- I think this is some definition of "Normal" that I'm not familiar with. It seems perfectly natural to me that people experiment with sex when they're younger. Many people who consider themselves "Normal" might find it just as'deplorable', 'disgusting', and 'unnatural' to suggest that such experimentaltion is somehow 'immoral' or shouldn't take place within sexually healthy individuals. Morals tend to be relevant, I suppose, but I can't help feeling somewhat uncomfortable with such harsh judgements. It might be worth examining why you feel her previous behavior was "disgusting" and why you suggest "normal" people would agree.

"My advice is to simply move on. Most orgy types, unlike your present boyfriend, will not have a problem with your past. You may have to find one of them."

What you're overlooking, intentionally or no, is that the guy in question IS also an "orgy type" who has had threesomes, which is the major gist of the cries of hypocritical assholery being levied here. He is just as "icky" as you're accusing her of being, if not more. I think you're too busy being disgusted and self-righteous to get all your facts straight, which does not make for effective debate.

Well, it's great and all that Cary wants to soothe this woman's self-image, but it's a fact that she's disgusting. The guy is too.

Since when did friggin orgies with multiple people become acceptable behavior? Get a grip! Anybody who has done this is f'd up. It's wrong, plain and simple, and your parents should have taught you that a long time ago. Why? Because humans shouldn't reduce themselves to animals. We aspire to be something more than mindless sperm-receptacles.

At any rate, you have to face the fact that regardless of his past, you are going to run into a lot of people who can't deal with a girl who's behaved like that. You are right to be honest with everyone - you can't live a lie - but you have to accept the consequences of your past actions. You have proved that at least in the past, you had deplorable morals. Any sane person is going to wonder what the future holds with you, if you've done things like that in the past. Maybe this guy really wants a solid long-term relationship, but neither of you is going to be able to convince the other you're trustworthy at this point. That's why you're not supposed to DO things like that...

My advice is to simply move on. Most orgy types, unlike your present boyfriend, will not have a problem with your past. You may have to find one of them.