Letters to the Editor
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Maybe your next one can....
Serioiusly, he's a hypocrite. Add one to your 'number' and find someone who's not a jackass.
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the boyfriend needs to deal with his insecurity
i can't believe that in this day and age a woman will put up with such juvenile and completely sexist behavior. "the standards are different"? he is obviously indimidated and insecure about your past. as a guy, i understand the root of his emotional response - but i also would never lay that back on you like that.
seriously - if he's like this now, will he ever really change? maybe it's time you consider someone more understanding and secure with their own sexuality and past.
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Dear Pure Enough,
Your BF's tactics are a form of verbal abuse, and your chagrin feeds him. I'm so sorry that he gets "physically ill" that you've had a number of sex partners before him; I'm sorry that he's wrapping himself into a knot of misery.
Too friggin' bad. It's still abuse. You feel awful because you were honest; he senses your upset and it gives him more fuel. He continues. You feel worse. And so on. The absurd part is? You can't do anything about your past. He's stoking the fires of your guilt for no good reason.
Seems to me that you have two choices: immediate couples counseling, or a breakup.
And, no, it wouldn't matter to me which partner in this situation was male and which was female. It's a question of maturity.
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A solution...
If you really think you want to continue in a relationship with a man as emotionally insecure and stunted as this guy, then just tell him you won't have sex with anyone (including him) for the next 7 years. Every cell in your body is changed over a seven-year period; that ought to make you pure enough for him.
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for the pureness fetishist:
dump the jerk. he's more concerned about making you feel like shit than loving you for what you are. you need to ask yourself: why does he need you to be sexually ignorant? how does being a sexual retard improve your worth as a person? why does he need to hold this over your head? is this how a person acts towards the person they claim to love? you may be in love with this person, but is this person actually in love with you? you need to ask yourself if you need to be with someone who treats you so badly and needs to pull this sick midtrip over you.
sexual purity is overrated. virgins can't tell if the sex is good or bad, because they never had it. he's being an insecure asshole and you are letting him get away with it.
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Get out, quick.
Get out of that relationship and fast. I'm a guy and I recognise what he's trying to do. He is trying to manipulate your emotions so that whatever happens, he will always be able to say you are in the wrong. He will throw your past in your face in every argument and he seems like the type of pathetic, insecure, cruel bastard who will start them often just to reinforce his superiority. He is building an abusive relationship with you and you can't let that happen. Get ready, he won't let you go without an ugly fight. People like that don't like to have their toys taken away, and believe me, you are his toy.
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Looking Back With Pleasure
I was a sexually enlightened young woman in the 70's in a conservative state. I found that the men who cared about my "past" were conservative in their political views as well. IT weeded out a lot of the riff-raff.
Now I'm in my early 50's and my hormones are out of whack and my sex drive is on vacation so I really am glad I had fun and enjoyed sex when I did. I have wonderful memories of creative, fun lovers who if I looked up today probably hate "W" being in the White House, and in fact many of us still keep in touch.
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Dump him dump him dump him
The standards are different for men?
He's been with two women, but the fact that you have been in a three way makes him physically ill?
You say you love each other, but you are wrong. He does not love you.
Repeat, he does NOT love you.
If you loved you, he would forgive you. Not only does he not forgive you, he wants you to "do" something about it.
Dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him.
Really.
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He needs to grow up or else...
We all make mistakes -although having several sexual partners in our past does not necessarily qualify as a mistake - and feeling shame and guilt is just signal for the need to learn and do better next time. Carrying the shame and guilt is useless in itself, what matters is who you are in the present and how much wisdom you gained from your past. Being honest is a wonderful and redeeming quality and your boyfriend should be greatful for that. Once you accept yourself and see that you don't need forgiveness for your past, you will be able to see clearly that he is mistreating you. What he is doing is complete manipulation and this is his way of asserting control over you because he is so threatened by any knowledge that you have and had a life that does not include him. This way of thinking is dangerous and dysfunctional, and if he is unwilling to acknowledge it and seek understanding of his low self-esteem, you will not have a future as a happy couple. His demands and immature behaviour will be destructive and you will get hurt in the process. Please understand that his mentality is not the norm out there and that you do not need to put up with it. Try to put up your boundaries and let him know that this is unacceptable to you. Having healthy boundaries means that you are less concerned with the result of setting them (the possiblitity of losing him), and more concerned with protecting your dignity. good luck to you!