i can't believe that in this day and age a woman will put up with such juvenile and completely sexist behavior. "the standards are different"? he is obviously indimidated and insecure about your past. as a guy, i understand the root of his emotional response - but i also would never lay that back on you like that.

seriously - if he's like this now, will he ever really change? maybe it's time you consider someone more understanding and secure with their own sexuality and past.

If you really think you want to continue in a relationship with a man as emotionally insecure and stunted as this guy, then just tell him you won't have sex with anyone (including him) for the next 7 years. Every cell in your body is changed over a seven-year period; that ought to make you pure enough for him.

I was a sexually enlightened young woman in the 70's in a conservative state. I found that the men who cared about my "past" were conservative in their political views as well. IT weeded out a lot of the riff-raff.

Now I'm in my early 50's and my hormones are out of whack and my sex drive is on vacation so I really am glad I had fun and enjoyed sex when I did. I have wonderful memories of creative, fun lovers who if I looked up today probably hate "W" being in the White House, and in fact many of us still keep in touch.

We all make mistakes -although having several sexual partners in our past does not necessarily qualify as a mistake - and feeling shame and guilt is just signal for the need to learn and do better next time. Carrying the shame and guilt is useless in itself, what matters is who you are in the present and how much wisdom you gained from your past. Being honest is a wonderful and redeeming quality and your boyfriend should be greatful for that. Once you accept yourself and see that you don't need forgiveness for your past, you will be able to see clearly that he is mistreating you. What he is doing is complete manipulation and this is his way of asserting control over you because he is so threatened by any knowledge that you have and had a life that does not include him. This way of thinking is dangerous and dysfunctional, and if he is unwilling to acknowledge it and seek understanding of his low self-esteem, you will not have a future as a happy couple. His demands and immature behaviour will be destructive and you will get hurt in the process. Please understand that his mentality is not the norm out there and that you do not need to put up with it. Try to put up your boundaries and let him know that this is unacceptable to you. Having healthy boundaries means that you are less concerned with the result of setting them (the possiblitity of losing him), and more concerned with protecting your dignity. good luck to you!

Okay, yes, the internet chorus is screaming for you to dump him. But how do you do that? Why would you want to? What will it take for you to end this relationship?

0. This should come before everything else: Nine months is not a long time. It's the human gestation period, or two semesters of college. People still have on their game faces at nine months, so it's entirely likely that he suckered you into telling him, knowing you expected a different reaction than the one he was going to give.

1. Make a list of everything you like about him. Make it as long as you possibly can. Now realize that his freakish desire for you to be his little doll maiden outweighs every single thing on that list. Twice.

2. Realize that there are jillions of guys out there who have the same good qualities your boyfriend has, without the absolute dealbreaker of sexual hangups that you will never solve.

3. Recognize that this is his problem, not yours. Repeat that ninety times a minute until it sinks in. You cannot assuage his paranoia. This man is broken and unless you have several degrees in psychotherapy, you don't have what it takes to fix him.

4. Ask yourself why you're so invested in this guy that you're willing to put up with this sort of treatment. What do you get out of his wailing and gnashing of teeth? What do you get from being with a man who you love, who considers you a whore?

5. When you've had enough of his bullshit (and in my experience, it takes a while), break up with him and don't look back. And then go find yourself a guy who, when you share your numbers, smiles and asks nicely for details.

If you're 'shamed' then you're being bullied. If you're 'ashamed' then you're Catholic.

In the best of worlds, questioning one's partner's sexual history is sheerly pragmatic: "When was the last time you exchanged fluids with someone who isn't me; and, when were you last tested?" End of story. Safety first.

But when it comes to intimacy, you have to be honest in spite of jealousy, and sincere in spite of competitiveness. Candidness about sexual history and past relationships can take on a whole new dimension.

Any cynic about relationships knows this universal truth: just because your partner doesn't know that he/she is manipulating you, doesn't mean you're not being manipulated.

My suspicion is that the boyfried is harboring a deep hurt from a past relationship, or is just plain too competitive and can't move beyond the fact that SAF has more notches on her belt than he does. Or both, along with a nice dose of jealousy for good measure.

Passive-aggressive guilt trips and self-flagellation over ideals of purity is a game that people with promiscuous pasts should not play with each other. My advice to him: get out. To her: get out fast.

Cary Tennis was far too poetic and kind in his advice. This guy is abusing you, and it is a serious danger sign. Why would anyone who loved you go out of his way to make you feel awful about things you cannot possibly change because they happened in the past? This is bullying, plain and simple, and it is motivated by hate -- not love. He may not hate you, he may hate himself, but either way it is hateful and destructive, not loving and constructive. It is one thing to gently criticize a new love on some aspect of her behavior or looks that can be improved. It is entirely another to harp on something that cannot be changed, especially when the crticisim is utterly hypocritical. If you had not shown some sense of guilt about your past, he would not have continued to bring it up. He brings it up because he knows it hurts you. This guy does not love you! He wants to posses you and control you, but that is not love. You have no future with him, unless you want to be abused emotionally for the rest of your life. He is a bottomless pit of destructive emotions, and you should get out now! It is possible to fall in love with such a person, but no matter how much you want it, they will never love you back, they will only need and take. You say this is your first time in love. There will be more and better in the future. The first time is usually a very painful mistake, but also a very valuable learning process.