Stop yelling.

(wow, that was easy)

Just because someone doesn't like yelling and finds it uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they're dealing with some kind of psychological trauma from their childhood. Maybe they just don't like yelling. I don't like yelling and I came from a perfectly normal (but non-yelling) family. Maybe it's because I'm a quiet person, maybe it's because I'm an introvert, maybe it's just because it's loud and pushy. Who knows?

I know I can't stop some of my friends and family from yelling from time to time - they don't experience it the same way I do, and I understand that. But I think my choice not to be yelled at is just as valid (if not more) than the other person's choice to yell. Maybe some compromise is best, if Ms. Loud really needs to yell, but it seems odd to me that Husband should learn to tolerate yelling, rather than Ms. Loud learning not to yell so much. Do the loud extroverts of the world make the rules?

I don't agree with Cary's advice today. He seems to think that the boyfriend needs to get a thick skin, instead of the LW learning not to yell at her husband.

Perhaps it's because I hate to be yelled at myself, but I'm on the side of the husband. The LW might not be able to never, ever yell at him but she ought to try. Resolve your disagreements without raising your voice. Is it really necessary for her to yell? Can't she train herself out of it because it means so much to her husband?

I also disagree with Cary's advise here. For some people (such as myself), yellers are intollerable. My father is a cronic yeller (accompanied by a nasty temper), and as such, I can't handle dealing with people who fly off the handle. Not only is it childish, rude and insensitive to yell at someone, especially someone you love, but it is never constructive. This woman needs to learn to control her voilent side (yes, yelling is an act of violence, at least in my book), and further learn to express her difference of opinion in a calm, intelligent, and thoughtful manner. In my marrige, if my wife is angry and starts yelling, I just walk away until tempers have cooled. Then we can resolve our differences calmly. Perhaps this man needs to do the same. Lets just hope he has a comfortable couch to sleep on in the mean time.

I also came from an emotionally abusive home and had similar problems whenever my husband raised his voice. My husband has always been a debater and lives for the spirited argument, so you can imagine this was quite a problem -- he'd want to argue vociferously about the symbolism in a movie we'd both just watched, and I'd want to curl into a ball and cry. When I told him my reaction was due to my childhood, he asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. From then on, my husband made a concerted effort to mock the way I'd been raised. For example, as a child if I did not complete a chore on time my father would scream until he was blue in the face about how I didn't love him and wanted him to die. One day, while shopping I accidentally bought a shower curtain brand my husband didn't care for. When I showed it to him, he screamed in horror, "MY GOD! YOU MUST HATE ME! YOU WANT ME TO DIE!!!" and proceeded to give a full impression of my father, tearing at his hair, punching the walls, cursing the cat. My first reaction was terror, as it was as a child, but watching my husband roll on the ground moaning and swearing about the shower curtain, he looked so ludicrous that I burst into laughter. Of course he kept it up -- "YOU'RE LAUGHING!!! HOW CAN YOU LAUGH!!! THAT'S IT, I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!" -- and I laughed harder and harder. By behaving exactly as irrationally as my father, my husband helped to show me that what my father had done may have frightened me as a child, but as an adult I could see it for how ridiculous it was -- and goddamn if it wasn't hilarious, too.

I'll admit it, I'm a yeller too. And I'm trying desperately to quit. To not raise my children in a household like the one I was raised in. I want them to learn to talk about their feelings in a normal tone of voice, to discuss things, to say what the problem is. To learn to be adult about their feelings.

I was raised in a family of yellers too. I hate hearing words come out of my own mouth that I wish I could unsay. I try, every day, to be different. Sometimes I succeed. But failure is just that. Failure. Yelling is not an acceptable way to treat the people I love.

Yelling - to most SANE people - shows a lack of control. It's emotional violence and intimidation. All because 'your family' did it doesn't mean you have to as well. It's a pathetic excuse for being an asshole.

I'm surprised the boyfriend has tolerated things up until this point. If someone yells at me, I'm throwing a frying pan at their head or I'm walking out of the relationship. If one MUST yell, save for something BIG - and don't expect the relationship to survive the fall-out.

The LW needs to grow up and stop being a bully.

On the continuum of various ways in which one may spend one's time, some people feel that time spent being yelled at isn't particularly worthwhile. Others thrive on the relentless push-and-pull of relationships full of emotional drama. It's probably best if those two sorts of people don't mix. Instead of being so accomodating to the letter-writer's concerns, Cary should at least consider the possibility that the couple isn't a good match.