Alcoholism is part of these kids' family medical history, which they have a right to know and understand. Just as you'd tell them if they were predisposed to diabetes or cancer, they need to know this.

I don't know to this date who the alcoholics in my family were or are. All I know is that when I was 14 or 15, my mom had me read a book about some alcoholic in recent American history - I want to say it was about George McGovern's daughter - and how horrible alcoholism was and how it wrecked her life. I wasn't sure why I was supposed to read it, but my mom seemed pretty serious about it, so I did.

When I was done, my mom took me for a drive and told me, "You're getting to the age now where you're going to be making decisions about substances and how you're going to use them. I want you to know that you have close relatives on both sides of your family who have had major problems with alcoholism and other addictions. It's fine to use alcohol socially once in a while, but because of your genes, be aware that you're always going to need to monitor yourself carefully and make sure you're assessing your use of alcohol honestly."

It did the trick. I'm in college now and drink rarely and in relative moderation. It was one of the first times either of my parents really treated me like an adult and it made a huge impression. And it worked without having to out anyone - for all I know, both my parents were alcoholics before I was born.

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic who grew up in a largely unhappy home with an active alcoholic, I can say for sure that I have genetic and behavioral tendencies towards substance abuse.

Knowing this did not keep me from becoming an alcoholic, but I DID know that the elevator was only going to go down, and faster.

So I asked for help, and day by day, I have remained sober. I suspect that I saved myself and my family a good decade of misery.

When my child is old enough, I will tell her that she may well have inherited these tendencies.

I urge the LW and her spouse to do the same. Lying by omission is still lying.

Parents don't have an obligation to tell their kids everything and any obligation to tell them a specific thing would need to be based on something. Since as Cary points out there is absolutely no way to come to any conclusion on way or the other of the effects of telling them or not telling them there is no way to establish an obligation on the part of the parents to tell them.

LW says the kids never knew, but, as Cary points out, they were old enough to see the drunken stupor, glazed eyes, sleepy attitude. No matter how functioning he was, his demenor was very different when on alcohol and others are often more aware of it than the drinker. I bet those kids knew something scary was going on and still have memories of it. Once they're old enough, an explanation will help them see what could happen to them.

The first anon. poster here put it beautifully describing how her Mom said it's time to know your genetic disposition and you have to learn to monitor it carefully.

Age appropriate information in phases as they get older and face peer pressure to drink.

It sounds like everyone in the family would benefit by having the truth revealed. The kids would understand their possible genetic tendency for alcoholism. The mother would feel she did her best for her kids. The father might benefit the most because he could quit carrying around a secret, and hiding a big part of who he is from his kids. That has to be tough on him but the burden is easily lifted.

As an alcoholic with 17 years sober, I try to remember that it is not always about me, as much as I would like it to be, and that I must sometimes make decisions to benefit others and not myself.

that this woman hasn't had a glass of wine in 7 years? I don't have a great understanding of relationships, but just because one person is an alcoholic, does that mean that both partners give up drinking? I can understand maybe abstaining when they are together together, but has she not even been out with her friends without him in nearly a decade? It seems that it would be healthy for kids to see parents who drink (or use drugs) in moderation.

Despite that the letter-writer is "completely convinced" that individuals can be "hard-wired" for alcoholism, this seems extremely unlikely to me, given what I know about genes and evolution.

To conclusively prove this one way or the other, the following study would need to be performed:

A large number of twins separated at birth -- both identical and fraternal -- would have to be located. (I believe this to be quite feasible.) Then the extent of their alcoholism at some adult age would need to be assessed with some uniform yardstick.

If the difference between the alcoholism of the pairs of fraternal twins were significantly more than that of the pairs of identical twins, this would be virtually conclusive proof that alcoholism is genetic. If, instead, the fraternal-twin differences and the identical-twin differences were essentially the same, this would tend to prove alcoholism is *not* genetic.

And, Yes! I think that the facts of this issue are crucial to answering the letter-writer's question. If there is no basis for concern about the children's "alcoholism genes", then there is no pressing reason to inform them of the father's past alcoholism.

What should be done is to educate them convincingly about the very real dangers of alcoholism.

I would like to be able to tell her husband that this is nothing for him to be ashamed of. Everyone in the world has their demons, and he faced his and is dealing with it successfully. That's something to be proud of. I know that if my father told me a story similar to his, I would be proud of him and inspired. And would watch my alcohol use carefully.