>>but I think what it happenning in a a lot of these situations that is making so many of the female posters so happy>>

I am NEVER happy at learning someone is having a problem, that would be sadistic. I am never 'happy' to learn someone is struggling, frustrated, unsure, worried, scared.

I understand a lot of the feelings the LW is having and posted saying I understood and gave some ideas about how to fix the problem.

I haven't read any posts where the poster is "happy" the LW is having problems. That's cruel.

I have read some very angry posts that she isn't giving her man enough sex (that's between the 2 people and not part of the problem) and other ugly accusations, but I haven't seen any tendency of the female posters to be happy about this woman's problem.

I completely understand this need for aloneness. I have not been happy or even comfortable with sharing space as such in the 15 years since leaving my parent's crowded home! I have been with my partner 7 years and, after a couple attempts at cohabitation, each of which made us miserable and ready to split up after a few months, we have settled on living apart yet close. We spend 3 or 4 nights a week at each other's places, which are about a mile apart. We often share meals, household chores, etc, but when I am in my home it is my space (and his is all his!). Though we each have keys to the other's home and pretty much come and go as we please, there is something so necessary for each of us (a poet/researcher and an artist) in the private space.

I am a bit confused at the male response to this - needing time alone has nothing to do with frigidity or bitchyness - in fact, feeling crowded has ALWAYS made me much more bitchy and disinterested in sex!

In fact if you don't want to be a real companaion AND sex partner to the person you are married to what would you have to complain about if they looked elsewhere. Of course people have the right to make their own arrangements but I think what it happenning in a a lot of these situations that is making so many of the female posters so happy is that the woman in the "nontradtional" situation is getting away with imposing her own lack of (frequent)interest in sex on the man without having him look elsewhere(supposedly).

I recall a Garrison Keillor article a while back on Salon, about guys needing their own shed (http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2005/11/09/keillor/index.html?x)--a space away from the female-dominated house etc. etc. Maybe the reader needs a shed of her own.

Until this couple can make some decisions, (and can afford to buy a second residence if they do so please,) maybe Reluctant Cohabitor could invest in one--they aren't too expensive. It wouldn't be nearly so satisfying as one's own living space, but it would be an escape, and one only a path away from the husband.

Just to add to the many letters citing successful creative couples who lived apart, I will add another to the list: Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera. At some point they lived in separate houses connected by a bridge in San Angel.

I think the best relationships are those of two self sufficient individuals who are there to support each other. A marriage does not mean that you become one person, instead both parties should be empowered by the relationship and work to preserve honesty. I think living apart is a great idea.

I've seen many houses in Dwell (of the wealthy, certainly) where different rooms of the house are spread accross a property in different buildings. I feel like that would be a great ideal, having separate offices, lounges, but sharing spaces that you love to be in together, the kitchen, the bedroom. I currently live in a one room loft with my partner, so I can fantasize.

Perhaps this is because I live in the most expensive housing market in the country, but - how do people who "live apart together" afford it? They must either have money to burn or see it as pricey but worth every penny.

In any event, being able to get married yet live in separate houses/apartments seems like a luxury for the wealthy. I know a couple who had separate bedrooms (he snored, she was a light sleeper) but no way could they have afforded separate places, as they could barely afford their apartment.

Of course you don't have to live with your husband. My sister didn't live with her husband until they had kids, and I didn't live with my husband either either--although after 8 years in our own houses, I finally sold my house so I could buy a little cabin on a big lake, where I write for 3 months of the year all alone, and I live in his house the rest of the year. But I sure miss my own space--he snores, he's disorganized, I like peace and quiet....Live however you want, and who cares what other people think.

What is the deal with Cary always inserting tidbits about his stupid kitchen into advice columns? Is it supposed to be cute? It drives me nuts.

and I am reminded of that great t. Rex song

*20th Century boy*

gut response

sorry Biff, I did write *most* guys, but should have noted that you were one of the guys who looked for a cooperative solution, and I agree, a duplex is a good idea.

And I'll also admit I thought long and hard about creepo's question asking if I'd respond the same way if the LW was a man.

It's true, I may have a different guy response, but to back it up a little, I have to say that similar letters from men are different in that the man usually wants out the the marriage because he wants a new squeeze, not because he wants solitude like the LW.

All in all, I think most people hope LW gives it some more time and finds a way to be with her husband and get some private time.

Another thing I do is wake up early on the weekends to get in some good private alone time before my husband wakes up. There are little deliberate things you can do to get alone time, you just have to make the effort, just like the opposite situation, when couples have to schedule together time.