Letters to the Editor
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I rarely agree with Cary's advice
And this one is no exception, that is a extradinarly insensitive and insulting thing to ask of the inlaws.
My wife and I are actually in the inlaws space - the attempted violent murder of my wife. If relatives asked us to censor or lie about her story for the sake of their children they would no longer be welcome at our home - ever.
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No Family Secrets, No Matter What, Ever.
Family secrets are the beginning of all social hypocrisy. It may be a shame that young children have to hear about the murder of a family member. But it's worse when they are lied to as children--by their parents no less. What message do you think that's sending? I hold my parents accountable for every lie, withholding and deception they ever practiced while I was growing up. Now I'm 41, and I still consider them to have been self-serving hypocrites.
S&S, Your 4 year old will remember until the day he dies that one of the earliest things you told him was a lie. Resist the temptation. Trade a little trauma and heartache now for a lifetime of trust. You'll be glad you did.
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Bad Cary, bad!
I'm in an even worse situation, one uncle, one I'm close to, shot and killed another uncle two years ago. We're still talking about it and mourning over the two losses (the one who's still alive is now serving a ten year sentence). It's a situation that could've ripped our family apart, and point of fact on the otherside of the family there was another violent instance with a gun which did tear that side apart. I've seen both results of how a violent death can affect a family, and Cary, your advice goes towards the latter. It creates resentment and whether you realize it or not, it's asking alot of the in-laws. They need to vent, and they shouldn't be hindered in this task. A death, especially a traumatic death, is not the time to rock the boat and be a pain in someone's ass.
This woman has two choices, leave the kids at home with the excuse that she doesn't believe her kids can handle it and discuss it with the kids later. Or two, let the relatives vent infront of the kids and make note of any sore points to discuss with the kids later when they're alone. Discussion is the key, not censorship. Now that doesn't mean you traumatize the kids with the gory details of how the nephew's brains were splattered against a wall, but it does mean that if they ask about something you answer them, honestly, and you talk to them about how it makes them feel and what they think. Yeah ok, they're young, they're still humans and they have opinions, even if they're inexperienced.
On a related note, the side of my family that fell apart also had a fascination with keeping children away from death, even when the circumstances were normal.
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Really Dropped the Ball
Cary, the mother didn't even ask how to keep people from talking - she asked what to tell kids now, and you went the keep-it-quiet route. She could start with where she is, and what questions, if any, they've asked. Let the kids know that family may be talking about their cousin's accident, and she wants to explain now that he was killed, the bad person who killed him is on trial, things like that. Unless they've been really sheltered (and even if she thinks they are) they've seen this stuff on TV. Obviously her 8- year-old will ask different questions than the 4-year-old. She can say the cousin made a mistake, and got involved with dangerous people. Just be honest, and direct, at their level. And know that just because SHE was terrified by all her images of her nephew's ordeal and death, doesn't mean her children will feel the same, or more so. Fortunately they don't have as long a lifetime of images to draw on.
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please don't soil my perfect life with your tacky crisis
It would be horribly insulting to tell the in-laws not to discuss their grief (or the more sordid aspects of it) in front of LW's kids. That would be saying "I find your predicament too sordid and tacky, we're embarassed by you, we're above that." How insulting!
You can not tell people how to act in their own home, you only have the choice to visit or to stay home, where you do control the topics of discussion to some degree. But you can't tell other people--who are grieving!--what to do in their own home.
Use this as a teaching tool as to the evils of drugs. Sadly, it is never too soon to teach kids about drugs today. I would even exagerate that he died solely because of his involvement with drugs to bring that point home as strongly as possible.
PS--After reading Cary's response, I'm officially applying for the position of Salon's advice columnist. Seriously.
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Kids are not Adults
Good lord are you people stupid or what? A 4 year old child does not and should not hear the gory details about their cousin's murder. Some conversations are ADULT conversations and should not take place in front of a young child who can't fully understand the issues. Do you take your kids to rated R movies and expect them to understand what's going on? Cary wasn't saying that the in-laws shouldn't talk about their loss, just that it shouldn't be done in front of the kids. And he put the burden of protecting the kids on their parents, not on the in-laws. Nor was he saying that the kids shouldn't be told about what happened or lied to but that the parents should explain what happened in more simplified terms and to reassure them so they wouldn't be confused and scared. Get a hold on your own baggage, it was never suggested that what happened should be swept under the carpet and that the family should pretend that this horrible tragedy never occurred. In fact, Cary tells the LW to talk to their kids about this at length when they are older and can better understand what happened.