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Good lord are you people stupid or what? A 4 year old child does not and should not hear the gory details about their cousin's murder. Some conversations are ADULT conversations and should not take place in front of a young child who can't fully understand the issues. Do you take your kids to rated R movies and expect them to understand what's going on? Cary wasn't saying that the in-laws shouldn't talk about their loss, just that it shouldn't be done in front of the kids. And he put the burden of protecting the kids on their parents, not on the in-laws. Nor was he saying that the kids shouldn't be told about what happened or lied to but that the parents should explain what happened in more simplified terms and to reassure them so they wouldn't be confused and scared. Get a hold on your own baggage, it was never suggested that what happened should be swept under the carpet and that the family should pretend that this horrible tragedy never occurred. In fact, Cary tells the LW to talk to their kids about this at length when they are older and can better understand what happened.