Letters to the Editor
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For shame, Cary Tennis
Uh, I can't be the only one who's wondering why Cary didn't bring up the possibility that by visiting prostitutes, the letter's author could run the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. That would be one way his wife might find out, and for goodness' sake, a VERY GOOD REASON not to solicit prostitutes.
Get a grip, man, and get yourself tested. Then, get back on track with your wife.
God, are all men this predictable?
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Married with kids
My husband and I had 10 years together just the two of us before we had our adorable daughter, who's currently 3. There are times when, despite how much I love my husband and daughter, I too feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day grind of being a parent.
A prostitute isn't the answer, though. This guy should take the money he's spending on his prostitute and instead invest it in some quality time with his wife. On a regular basis, get someone to stay with the kids for a weekend while the two of you go off to a romantic spot. Set up some rules that you're not going to talk about the kids. Pretend you're on your honeymoon again. Rediscover why you got married in the first place.
Whether or not he should tell her I think depends a lot on his particular relationship with his wife. Personally, my husband and I value honesty very highly in our relationship. We don't even tell each other white lies -- if I ask him if something makes me look fat, I want to know the truth! But every relationship is different. It could provide a catalyst for the couple to make changes in their life. Maybe he'll discover that she's overwhelmed, too. But maybe it will lead to divorce, or to a marriage that's never the same again because now she can't trust him. And, of course, as other writers said, he'd better get himself tested for STDs, and if he's positive, then he doesn't have much choice but to come clean.
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Great letter, great response...
And great letters in response. We have the full range of moral indignation and French tinged sympathy for this classical dilemna. I hope the letter writer doesn't add to his woes by trying to figure out what to do from the grand Greek chorus.
Not that I don't wish to add to it. Somehow I feel sympathy for someone so deluded. Who hasn't been there? You can't bring up the French here. The letter writer and his family are Americans and unless they've decided beforehand to use "French" mores, which are actually not observed by as many people as we'd like to think, we have to assume the amount of guilt and anger that are there,that are potentially there, because this is our culture and this is what we've implicitly agreed to.
It is worse to tell. That is what is so icky about adultery. Aren't we brought up never to lie?
It is better for the kids. A non-cheating papa will probably do a better job raising his kids, especially if he makes a serious committment not to do it again. It's weird, but children know what's going on, even if they're small. I'm not saying they wouldn't be able to deal with it. I don't know. I've known some adulterers, and one of them birthed me. It happened a lot when I was little. Though I understand the reasons why, I very much wish it hadn't.
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Chump
What a sad, pathetic, deluded chump this letter writer is. I pity his wife and kids. The only one living in reality in this situation is his prostitute, who clearly knows what a man like this wants...delusions of grandeur.
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Wow
I really don't get this one. Almost seems like a fake letter. Is there really a man out there who thinks this way? That this thing he has going with a sex worker is anything more than just that? Weird. I think this guy owes it to his wife to immediately tell her what, exactly, he has been doing and then she can choose what the next steps will be, and if that means she leaves him and takes the children with her, too bad. All involved will suffer initially but in the long run she/the kids will be better off without him. He has put the health of his wife in danger by this risky sexual behavior. The rest is too silly/moderately unbelievable to even comment on.
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Address the bigger issues
I don't think Cary or most of these letter writers addressed the real issue which is bothering this man -- the fact that he feels trapped in a life that consists of responsibilities and little more. I know how that feels, and while you can do the heroic thing and stay for the sake of the children, it can eat you alive. Yes, you feel noble -- but you also feel dead and buried. I would suggest that the letter writer use every means in his power to break out of his "prison." This means shaking up his marriage, shaking up his career, shaking up his life. Do the unexpected. Take the wife on a Caribbean vacation. Bring home flowers and wine. Take a class at a nearby college in something interesting. Find another job. Transfer the joy and passion that you found with the call girl to your real life. Then, you will have life back on your own terms again. Good luck.
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Just stunning
This is one of the finest columns Cary Tennis has written in a long, long, line of them. Tennis is able to take the most sordid, dull, wacky, painful or poignant situations of human life and glean profound insights from them -- it's amazing -- and then, writes about them with unbelievable grace and beauty. I never, ever, gush like this, but these columns are the finest thing in Salon or anywhere; they stun me on a regular basis.
Er, keep up the good work.
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Meta-Letter
You know, I really wonder about the wisdom of attaching a letters feature to Cary's column. Today's advice-seeker is a deeply flawed man to be sure, and Cary is spot on in identifying his self-absorption, but it seems the impact of his well-considered advice is lessened when appended by a Greek chorus of (accurate) name callers. Just a thought.