Letters to the Editor
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I'm married with kids -- and in love with a prostitute...
"Lost in LA" doesn't sound like the sort of person who should have ever married, with or without children. He seems like a classic "Peter Pan" case who should've spent his life as a playboy, forever chasing the unattainable "perfect woman." Expecting him to "grow up" is asking a lot from someone who can't appreciate a glass that is 85% full. What a sad story.
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Nice response, Cary
This is a pretty good response, but since the prostitute/lover/confidante is so close to the writer, it would be interesting to hear what she recommends. Maybe she has previous experience of this situation.
It is not so different from a drug addiction. Daily life is humdrum, but when the mucus membranes make contact with the desired object, then there is a surge of all sorts of body chemicals associated with happiness and euphoria.
Of course it has to end, but other possibilities might just be that it runs out of steam of its own accord, or that it runs forever like The Mousetrap, or like that old Alan Alda movie, which I think was called 'Same Time Next Year'.
The French, bless 'em, seem to have more toleration for the lover on the side, and when you think about it the real problem here, which we don't even question, is that we assume that if the wife finds out, she will be outraged and demand either an end to the liaison, or an outright divorce. Pity, because the best solution would be for the wife to become friends with the prostitute, but that is unlikely.
This needs to be made into a movie--but will it be a comedy or a tragedy?
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Won't solve the unhappiness.
Being of two minds on this, it certainly says something positive at least that Lost in LA is conscious of and (however belatedly) concerned about the fact that his actions can have on his family. But at the same time, this is someone who sounds absolutely dissatisfied with his marriage, and is more interested in preserving it out of the sense of stability it gives his life than any real conviction or desire to make things work because he genuinely wants to be with his wife.
I'm not certain the old tagline of "Keep it together for the kids" is an especially valid argument, either. Seeing the prostitute in the first place was the consequence of LiLA's preexisting extreme dissatisfaction with family life, not the cause of it. By the sounds of things this isn't someone who simply took a misstep in their marriage, but someone who genuinely wants -out- of it.
At the same time, though, so long as the relationship with this prostitute isstill economic-based, it's a pipe dream and delusional to think that it could ever be based on something substantial.
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what a sad, arrested man
The most telling detail in this sordid little letter isn't the bit about "sexual nirvana". It isn't the writer's pitiful, delusional belief that his hooker du jour actually considers him a "confidant". No, the detail that tells me everything I need to know about this sad sack is that when he pays for sex with his "sexual dynamo", he doesn't have to worry about "who's picking up whom from school".
Why oh why do arrested adolescents like this have children in the first place? Why do men in love with "lust and longing" choose to make promises to women who will inevitably disappoint them with their inability to measure up to these men's sordid little fantasies? Why start a family when there's a whole universe of women who turn currency into a nice cozy fool's paradise?
There's an old saying that men don't pay hookers for sex, they pay them to go home. It's extremely convenient for the writer to be able to buy what amounts to a disposable sex toy. No muss, no fuss, no carpools! It's both pathetic and amusing how the writer insists that "his" hooker isn't "a typical" whore. (No, really - she's different! Even though I pay her for intimacy, the fact that she gives me what I want is really because of my scintillating personality and charm, not her need for a few extra bucks. She *understands* me!)
But it ceases to be amusing when I consider the facts: this jerk has a family, has responsibilities, has children. He obviously doesn't give a damn that he could be transmitting any number of incurable STDs to his wife, and the fact that he's been engaging in high risk behaviors for an unspecified amount of time tells me that he's not ever likely to quit his exciting habit.
To tell the truth, I think that Cary's advice is a bit off in this case. This guy needs to divorce his wife, who will be infinitely better off without him, and support his children from a distance. That's assuming he has any money left after he's done paying off his immensely sweet, sensitive, atypical whore. It's contemptible to put his wife and family at emotional and physical risk so that he can continue his squalid little double life.
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curious
I'm quite in agreement with Cary here, but is it just me or does Cary's advice seem rather more "conservative" than usual. Usually I hear Cary, when presented with these cases of adultery, talk much more about big life choices and defining who you are -- here he is definitely much more condemnatory. (Perhaps it is because there are kids involved this time around.)
I am curious, also, as to how someone could get in this kind of situation. Are there really prostitutes with a heart of gold? I always assumed that was a stereotype from Dostoyevsky. The flip side, that the "other woman" is amused, friendly and in it for the steady draw-down of what is presumably a large amount of cash (whores with good conversation I imagine to be quite expensive), seems far more likely.
Oh, and the film I remembered was Woody Allen's fantastic, dark Crimes and Misdemeanors.
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Not all secrets can be kept
As an addendum to Cary's peerlessly wise advice, I'd also suggest that Lost in L.A. immediately get himself an HIV test, and if it is negative, get another one in 4 to 6 months to be sure. Even the proverbial prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold can get an STD and pass it to her johns. Moreover, if the test should come back positive, the honorable suggestion of keeping secrets and questing for a respectable life will go down the tubes. Perhaps Lost in L.A. doesn't realize that he's putting himself and his wife at risk for more than just emotional devastation. Condoms are not 100% effective at prevention.