There is alot of pleasure in doing the thing that feels good at that moment.

There is also a good deal of self-satisfaction in doing not what feels good at that moment, but what you know is good for you long term. Quitting smoking feels good, although not smoking that cigarette when you really want it is hell. Losing weight feels good, but when you really want that bacon cheeseburger it can seem like a distant dream.

Cary was telling this LW to look at the long term - that is looking out for and maintaining the respect of his family and friends (but mostly his family). The irrevocable harm caused by leaving his wife for a whore will be apparent when the divorce proceedings draw out for the 13th month, when he is living alone and miserable in a crappy apartment by himself, when he is denied shared custody of his children because of the company he keeps (he will presumably turn to other prostitutes when the one he left his wife for becomes "unavailable"), when he has to sell the house where he has raised his children in order to split the assets.

Having an affair is an ultimately selfish thing to do - LW is not thinking of his family, he is looking for an excuse to pursue an illusion that 3 years ago he probably did not think he even wanted.

The trust in the core of a family is sacred - something missed by many of those who think that marriages are disposable, that immediate gratification is more important than long-term satisfaction and that sexual desire equals a lasting relationship.

If LW has serious problems with his wife (which he doesn't mention) those should be addressed separately from this fling with the cheeseburger - I mean, prostitute. If they decide that the marriage is not worth pursuing, then divorce is an option. It should not be unilateral - it is possible that the wife knows that something is going on and is giving her all to prevent it. Cary's response reminds me of "The Age of Innocence" by Edith Wharton in which years after an unfulfilled afair has faded into the background of his "real" life, the main character finds out that his wife knew that he was in love with the "other woman" all along. To quote: "It seemed to take an iron band from his heart to know that, after all, some one had guessed and pitied...And that it should have been his wife moved him indescribably."

Beauty and art are both created in the denial of vulgarity.

Fantastic question ! Terrible answer !

Maybe it is my European bias... but if this guy went to visit a prostitute, it probably means that his couple is not satisfying him.

He probably wasted a few years of his life already. Does he have to waste the remaining years ?

We have only one life. I repeat : ONE (not two).

We should enjoy it as much as possible.

Of course, separation will mean that some people will suffer from some collateral damages. The wife will be sad and the kids will be affected. So what? The alternative would be to live in a fake dream.

Divorce, if handled properly, could probably create even more hapiness.

One warning : There is a relatively high risk that the prostitute will not accept to create a couple with the guy. But at the end of the day it is not that important... at least he would have realized that his current life was not satisfactory.

Just do it !

This was magnificiently written. It is just as powerful for women who have fallen "out of lust" with their husbands and been distracted by other, inappropriate relationships. A really good whack upside the head. I will read it again.

i was really surprised at the advice offerred to the sender of this letter. There are a lot of good reasons why he should step back and take a look at what he's doing, stop seeing the prostitute, work out the issues in his marriage, the number one reason being the fact that he states right up front that he loves his wife and kids dearly. So? It's time to step up to the plate and show it! "Loving" someone "dearly" and engaging in activity that would at the very least hurt them cruelly if discovered are incompatible behaviors, and he needs to recognize that and come to terms with it.

But that issue is not addressed at all in the response, which implied that the potential harm to the family outweighs any other consideration, and that in recognition of that fact the letter-writer should steel himself to live the rest of his life in self-denial, sustained by the secret knowledge that he's making the world nicer for his family by doing so. There's a name for this kind of behavior: it's called martyrdom. And in a normally thoughtful and intelligent advice column I would never have expected to find the promotion of martyrdom as a healthy choice in a relationship. The letter writer needs to examine his priorities, and if he truly does love his wife and kids, understand that the best thing he can do for himself, as well as them, is to rededicate himself to his relationship with them.

Suffering in silence for the rest of his life is at best going to lead to a strained relationship and deep resentment. How can that be the best advice to offer?

If you're so dumb you have to ask how to do it, maybe you shouldn't let go of this soaring affair. Leave your wife. Marry the hooker. Mazel Tov. Let your wife find someone who is more than a early-40s middle aged stereotype from central casting. In the meantime you can move to Florida and get a condo and splash around in this fantastic love that was delivered to you on the gossamer wings of a $500 bill. Goodbye to your kids' respect, your friends' respect and whatever negligible self-respect you might have left. Hello Lust and Excitement.

"How do I do it?" Waah waah. You know how and just don't feel like it. Continue the affair and accept the consquences, or end it and learn some strength, but please stop whining.