You need to change, now. Your attitude towards the children is almost certaintly patently obvious not only to the husband you told, but to them. The children can not be unaware of the toxic nature of what is going on.

Here is some news: we have to do things we don't want to. I won't say you knew what you were getting into when you got married, because nobody does, but you have to adapt. You may never deep down love the kids, but you need to start acting like you do, right now.

Don't discount the fact that the kids may be bad kids; they probably didn't deal very well with the divorce if they're young enough to leave dirty handprints. You may have to get more involved in their lives. But again, newsflash: these human beings are not going to go away. You need to let go of your anger with the biological Mom, and, if you can't like them, you have to pretend.

I am trying to be understanding, but I find your attitude very selfish. Imagine if you died, or went insane, or your husband left, and another woman had to take care of the daughter you gave birth to.

While I applaud the writer's honesty, I feel horrible for those children. And when they grow up and have issues stemming from their parent's divorce to their relationship with you you will be partially responsible. My kids have stepmother and thank God, as far as I know, she likes my kids. Granted she only has them every other weekend and a couple of nights a week and lots of free time (which I don't), but as far as I can tell she does like them. If I ever die, I know they'll be okay. You shouldn't have married your husband if this is how you felt.

Why not be a responsible adult, get counseling and do the best you can--childhood is short. Wouldn't it be better to look back and say "gee, I did the best job I could with these kids," under admittedly not the best of circumstances. Don't think those kids don't know you love your own daughter much much more than you love them.

I'm not going to scold this lady, even if a tiny part of me wants to. After all, she chose to marry a man with custody of his children. Her choice. Whatever. What I find problematic about this situation is this woman's declaration of love for her own child, (who I imagine acts like, well, a child) while readily admitting her supreme irritation towards her step-children when they behave like, well, children. This seems to me like essentially displaced dislike; this Advice Applicant cannot separate her irritation with these childrens' mother from these, her step-children. Kids are aware of things like this. This woman's step-kids will probably grow up knowing that they will always be hateful, messy and noisy to her, especially when compared to her own angelic spawn. This is a very sad state of affairs. All of these step-siblings are going to resent the hell out of each other. I hope the Advice Applicant can overcome her weird disgust towards her husband's ex-wife and their kids. I hope she can suck it up and at least ACT like a kind step-parent, even if she doesn't feel kindly towards those kids. It will, at the very least, improve her OWN darling child's chances at a decent relationship with her half siblings. Lady, you chose to take this on. Do it right or don't do it at all.

I am a stepmother as well, and so in some ways I sympathize with the writer. You don't have that birth to adult bond with these children; you are most likely the one wiping off the handprints; your money is going places it didn't have to before. However, I agree with anonymouse that it seems like the contempt for the mother is being transferred to the kids. Because it's clear that the money is also being spent on the biological child; that child's hands are just as sticky; and that child is there 100% of the time, not 2/3rds.

I find that my moments of greatest frustration with my stepkids, when I wish they would go away, come when I am most stressed; this has taught me that it's MY problem, not the children's. They can't help their existence, or my deadlines. They are kids and worthy of love and respect. And they DO pick up on these cues, and they are already probably hyper aware of the relationship. They also aren't with their mother and no matter what kind of person she is, they are hurting because of it. Blended families are just not easy, which makes it imperative to talk about the situation and check in.

But what my husband taught me, and made abundantly clear from the beginning, is that you marry me, you marry my kids. The kids are worthy of love and respect and demand time and care, and if you can't do it, you're out. You signed up for that, whether implicitly or explicitly. You may not love them the same, and it may be gradual, but it is your duty to make an effort. They deserve no less, even if they are a pain. Because I find from most mothers - bio and step alike - that kids are just a pain. It's just a fact. But you love them and they grow up and hey, we were all young and a pain to deal with. As adults, we're just pains in the ass in different ways.

And if they're old enough, hand those kids (all of them) a sponge and tell them to wipe up their handprints. Make them clean their room. This is what good parents do and guess what? Your walls are cleaner.

Another Stepmom stated this so much better than I did, and for that, I thank her. The issue here is not the writer, rather, it is these children. Blended families are ALWAYS going to be difficult, but when you take a blended family on, you make a choice. The Writer obviously made a sucky choice. I'm very worried about the Writer's step-children, and I hope they are able to grow up in a family where they are appreciated and treasured as human beings, as opposed to being merely tolerated. And where's their dad in all this mess? I hope HE, at least, tells them he loves them; that they are loved and special and all that. Poor kids!