I actually like that Cary voted for yes instead of the standard "do what you feel in your heart" that sounds nice but isn't helpful. Not everything is gut, because doubts and insecurity can easily cloud what we secretly want to do. I recently talked myself out of a major life decision because I was scared, to the point where I made alternative plans -- surely my doubts meant I wasn't ready -- but then on an impulse, I decided to go for it, and I've been happy ever since. Sometimes the gut is more helpful after you've made the decision, because then you can find out how you really feel about it, without the fear of screwing up. Chances are she will say yes and feel liberated from her insecurities... But of course, if she says yes and then feels sick about it, that would be a sign to balk.

...but I understand that the differences may scare someone off.

That being said, the LW didn't really mention the immigration (possible) problems. As a person living in a foreign country, this is a BIG deal. Does he want to move to the US (by the sounds of his family situation, I'm guessing a big NO). So...will she move there? Some of us would embrace this possibility - others would run away in horror.

Personally, I think that you only live once, and if you have a great guy who is treating you well and you love him - you should take the chance. If it doesn't work...well...you took the chance. Consider it a life experience, and move on with your life.

But...if the LW (who surely is reading our posts) does not have the personality quirks to take these risks, well then, play it safe. Say Good-bye to your foreign guy and hope you find a local who will make you happy.

But Christ(?!), how can one reject a potentially exciting life to one that is boring and safe? Oh well, to each their own. Either way, best to you, LW!

Cary, I can't believe you gave this woman the advice to go ahead and marry this guy, when she's asking if "indecision [is] a giant red flag telling me he's not the one to settle down with?"

As a woman who has hastily married not just once but twice, in spite of "giant red flags," I urge her to break off with this guy. First she needs to get herself clear on what she really wants in this life. From the little I know about her life and experience, I don't think she really wants a life immersed in a Spanish culture where she'll always remain an outsider, with only learned connections to the local realities.

When I knew I knew. Before that, I balked at people who said that. Then it happened to me so I know no other reality. But that is me.

My question. Why necessarily marriage? Why such a drastic step? Take time to live together, to figure things out, to see where your boundaries are, what issues come up, what compromises are struck.

If you don't want to lose him, live together to prolong the relationship enough to see how you feel. Do your feelings change or do they remain the same?

Because if you are feeling the way you do right now, you do not sound ready for marriage, for committing to this guy. You just sound like someone who wishes they wanted that life, and maybe you don't! And that is ok too!

But marriage?!?!? No...

It's not clear from the letter whether the marriage proposal implies an obligation to settle down in Barcelona. I married someone from a totally different culture, religion, background etc. and had many of the same doubts the LW indicates. Things have worked out well (15 years later), but we both give a lot of credit to not living too close to either of our families. (And picking our battles.)

My vote is marry in Versailles and stay put in the Paris area. Then you can focus on your relationship without the added baggage of his family, his culture, his neighborhood and what they all expect of you, but still be close enough to visit during one of the many long weekends we get here in France.

I agree with Cary's advice. He asks her to clarify the situation with her boyfriend and then say "yes" if the situation seems tenable. What's wrong with that?

"Out-and-out abusive?" She's clearly happy in the relationship. The LW says that this is "the best boyfriend she's ever had" and "he treats me like a queen" -- and assuming you don't doubt her ability to judge personality, I think a little hesitation or indecision before marriage is to be expected. Furthermore, as has been previously stated, the majority of her issues with his family would be mitigated by putting some distance between them. The rest can be discussed over time.

Paris sounds wonderful, don't you think?

It's good advice. She is already 30, so the future is not endless. Yes, when you marry into a Hispanic family, you do marry the whole family, but she will hardly be expected to financially support the whole family. Once children come along she will be too damn busy to fret, and she will be very glad of the help she will need and get from all the sisters-in-law and aunties in Barcelona, which is a great place to live.

If she doesn't marry him, she will quite possibly end up single like Maureen Dowd, claiming that no one would marry her because she was too smart.

It's time for people to start rebeling against the ruling white protestant upper-middle-class clique that governs advice column journalism and womens' magazines and wants everyone to share their misery.

Run, don't walk away from marrying a "mama's boy"! Thanks to mama, they feel like they can do no wrong! And believe me the weenieness (I mean sensivity) will make you want to bitch slap him eventually. The red flags were everywhere for me, up to and including our wedding reception where he stood locked in a weepy embrace with his mother for HALF AN HOUR in the middle of the dance floor. Our 3 year marriage was the biggest mistake of my life. Don't do it!