`yes, previous poster is right: first sex isn't usually the scary painful ordeal most girls here described. It should NOT be. If sex is scary, STOP. Sex should never be scary, and if it is, someone is pressuring you and you should stop. Lust is powerful. when it is raging, you will want to go forward and it will not be scary.

in response to the previous poster, i think i've tried my hardest to actually downplay my virginity. (i.e. "yes, i am a virgin, no you do not have to be my exclusive boyfriend to sleep with me the first time.")i don't think i've made it overly dramatic. i am not asking for a horseback ride to a candle-lit dinner on the river or even marriage.

there have been a couple of posts regarding the idea of being clingy, but again, i do not see how it's clingy to just be honest and say 'hey, i don't want to be your girlfriend but i'm comfortable enough to sleep with you.'

maybe there is something i am missing about the whole thing, or maybe it's not proper procedure to just be honest. maybe i just don't understand how men work.

You do sound very level-headed, and that is all good. But obviously something is freaking these guys out (because I can assure you, at your age most guys have no trouble with some casual sex)--and we have to figure out what it is.

I wondered if you were putting too much importance in it because you said

*I will explain that I am not in love, but comfortable enough to have sex.*

I think that's Too Much Information Beforehand. It's important to be honest, but too much info before you've established friendship is scary. I've run from guys and female friends if they gave me too much info too soon. It does make you wonder if they're going to be clingy.

You know how the very minute you mention a negative, everyone thinks it's true. Like *that dress does NOT make you look fat*--well, that makes me think I look fat. The very act of saying it makes me wonder why you felt you had to say so. I think maybe saying *I don't love you.* makes those guys scared you DO have inappropriately strong feelings too soon. The very need to bring up love too soon, even in the negative means you're thinking about it too soon.

There is some reason that

*They think once we sleep together, I'm going to become some kind of psycho-stalker that picks through their garbage at night.*

Because usually, a guy wouldn't think that, something about what you're saying beforehand is freaking them enough to make them pass up no-strings sex.

What is it? I have to stick with TMI.

You can be honest without going too far into TMI land.

Please let me help if I can; I was very naive sexually as a young woman and now I can look back and see I could have avoided a lot of angst if I've been more knowledgeable and been comfortable with my sexuality earlier., and I would have been more in control of my own life.

Heinlein called virginity a correctable perversity of no importance. I have a sneaking suspicion that you want your first time to be super-special, so you take a long time to set things up, get just the right guy and the right moment, then mention "offhand" that you're still a virgin. He might be picking up a vibe that scares him off.

This is the solution to your problem, in all seriousness: go to the nearest university electrical engineering or computer science department, find a nice geek, and take him home. It will be without question the most spectacular thing to ever happen to him. Tell him you're a virgin, and that you need his help getting through this first time. Geeks are very practical, and he will be glad to solve your technical problem. In fact, you might lure him home first by asking him to look at a PC problem; by the time you're showing him your appreciation, he'll be powerless to resist.

I often wished such an angel of mercy would come to me when I was in college and frustrated. My college was 70/30 male, so those of us in the mid-low attractiveness range had a few dates but little real action. I had to wait until I was 22 to lose my virginity, with an older (gorgeous) woman just getting a divorce. I didn't tell her she was my first, but she got a heck of a lot of effective personal attention (I had read Masters & Johnson, and couldn't wait to apply the theory). So we both won. (She later lured me back by asking if I could help set up her new stereo -- it worked great!)

Failing that, don't you have a close, unattached male friend? Just tell him that you're not looking for a soul mate, but are eager to find out about the mystery of sex, and trust him to guide you through. Sex can be friendly. If I weren't married, I'd volunteer :-)

M. Helm

I am pleasantly startled to note that it took nine whole pages of comments before a man volunteered his services for Ms. Virginia (and even that first one was, at worst, merely sort-of-insincere). I was expecting 50 posts containing phone numbers. Group hug, kids.

ha ha, I was going to offer a fix-up! I have a few male friends who are still single and play the field (who I can recommend!).

;)

I'm in Virginia too, so I wondered if LW was nearby. but seriously, that's the last thing that would help

I empathize with most of what you had to say Virginia. I am a 28-year old female who is still a virgin and not a jesus-freak either. The only difference is that I actually do want to be in a committed relationship, though I am certainly not waiting for marriage.

And I'm sorry, but I really disagree with those saying not to tell the guy. First of all, you really find out what kind of guy he is by how he reacts. Now, I don't mean that you should spurt out this private info on a first date--I can see how that would freak anyone out--but why not tell him several dates in? At that point you hopefully know the important things about each other, right? And I value this as pretty important stuff. I mean, I'd want to know his sexual history or at least think he should be tested for STDs before I'd jump into the sack with him. It's really irresponsible not to these days.

Plus, there's the pain/uncomfortableness factor. I've heard several different personal accounts over the years from close friends and others--some who experience a lot of pain (normally they lost their virginity in high school and neither person really knew what they were doing or even how to achieve an orgasm), some who are just uncomfortable and others who got alot of pleasure from their first experience! So who's to say what it will be like for anyone else? I, for one, would much rather have my partner "in the know" to make it the best experience possible for the both of us.