I think it is a bad idea for the first time you're penetrated to be by another person who doesn't know it's your first time.

This was the case for me, and I regret it. I didn't bring it up because I didn't want to seem naive, and the ensuing encounter was slightly traumatizing. The hymen thing wasn't an issue because apparently I lost mine through some sort of non-sexual rough play as a child. I've heard this can happen.

I suggest:

1. Make the first person who penetrates you YOU. Get to know what's going on down there and get comfortable with the various sensations that can be a part of the process. Vibrators or dildoes can help if you're comfortable with them, and if not your own two hands are more than enough.

2. Try wading instead of diving. Lots of non-intercourse activities can build a foundation of used-to-ness around sex. Mutual masturbation, frottage, oral sex...all share elements with intercourse without the cultural baggage that intercourse has as some kind of supreme act. If you're used to these things, then it's not such a big jump to intercourse.

3. At least tell the guy you're with that you're not very experienced. This will help explain your lack of familiarity and/or comfort and if they guy is worth anything, may encourage him to be slow, gentle and concerned about your experience of the process. The person I was with didn't seem to care whether I was having fun (or even if I was comfortable) but I don't know if things would have been different if she had been warned that it was my first time.

4. Of course, use protection when you finally get around to it. Even if you're not worried about pregnancy or HIV, there are plenty of things like gonorrhea, chlamydia and HPV out there. Why have one more thing to worry about?

I have seen another columnist (Dan Savage?) answer a similar question by suggesting the late-bloomer seek another (as another letter-writer here has). That doesn't sound like too bad an idea either.

Cary, thank you so much for publishing this letter. I, too am a non-religious 24 year old virgin and it was such a relief to hear about someone in the same situation. Recently I have been feeling all alone in the world and now I do not.

wrong wrong wrong Cary - losing your virginity is a scary experience for most women, even if you are totally ready and into it. why? Because it involves pain. The first experience of sex for men may involve fear, anxiety, and maybe even shame or feelings of inadequacy, but it is doubtful that it causes pain. By the time a woman is 24, her partner will likely be experienced enough that he will want to have the kind of sex that would hurt a virgin ALOT - and that would be any sex other than extremely slow, careful penetration. "normal" sex, that is, entering in a thrust and then going at it would not cause a virgin to say "lets so that again" - it would cause her to be raw and to bleed. not too romantic or sexy for her, unless she's into that. since she's a virgin, i'd guess she's not. so, she always tells them - of course she does, and of course she should. don't be such a guy.

Do you live near me? Seattle? Because let me tell you, shy is not much of a liability. No experience, ditto. A little performance anxiety, who doesn't have that? (Yes, those of us who have been around the block more times than we like to count still freeze sometimes when we feel inferior, surprised, or just off our game).

I'm a 38-year old woman and I would find a virgin close to my age both refreshing and fun. I really enjoy TEACHING... it's fun to show someone what you like... and it's a blast exploring each other to figure out what you like together. I think the Amish have one thing right when they set their teenagers up to sleep with each other and to explore as much as they like, shy of intercourse. Penetration is NOT everything (no matter how much I love it, and I do) and it's much more likely to go well even the first time if the anxiety about being naked and talking about things and playing with each others' bits is already worked through.

So.... look for an older woman. Look for someone that's sick of all the bullshit guys can dish out. And older women are "better" in another way, too... where men tend to be in their prime between 18 and 25, women typically don't even start to hit their stride sexually until they're 30. Someone a few years older than you is likely to know what she likes, what she's doing with a guy, and is also fairly likely to be mature enough to not make you feel bad. She may even boost your confidence.

FWIW, I had sex for the first time just a smidge shy of 15 (with a dear friend who is three weeks older than I am) and didn't have my first orgasm until I was 28. In between those two events, I had a baby that I placed for adoption and caught an STD from a guy a few years my senior who lied to me when asked outright if he had any STDs, and had plenty of other sex when what I really should have been doing was trying to find a few more friends. Sex does not cure the lonely heart. So sex in your teen years and early 20s isn't likely to be all that great anyway, though I am still in touch with the guy I lost my virginity to and we have a deep fondness for each other.

I encourage you to continue looking for the right person and to not apologize for your condition. As I say, you are likely to become a fantastic lover quickly, since you're already past much of the emotional immaturity that makes so many guys so boring and difficult. (But hey, as long as they keep their mouths shut and don't try to impress me, I'll rock the world of any cute 19-year olds... LOL)