I lost my virginity at 19 to a casual aquaintance - I was just ready to get on with it. I did not warn him and I'm glad I didn't. We were together only twice, he was a sweet guy but I knew it would be a short relationship. I never regretted not telling him and I have no idea if he figured it out (my bed). It made it easier to move on and have fulfilling sexual relationships. I didn't meet my true mate until I was 22 - I'd have sure missed out on a lot of great experiences if I'd waited for it to be perfect.

If you are planning on losing it with someone you really care about, you might consider telling him, but otherwise I agree completely with Cary. It wasn't a big deal to me then and I think I would have been hurt had I tried to find someone to make it special or if I'd had high expectations for the experience. It's a little uncomfortable but paves the way for fabulous sex thereafter! Good luck and have fun.

first, i have to thank everyone that posted here for all the extra advice. i wasn't necessarily disappointed with what cary had to say, but it was a completely different response than i expected, so i am glad for other view points. i don't think i could sleep with someone without telling them i was a virgin - there are too many chances that i would ruin their sheets, ruin the sex and possibly make them think i am insane.

secondly, my experiences with guys running away from my virginity are legit. i wouldn't have written a letter if they weren't. in my mind, i have already passed the acceptable age for virginity - and i wondered if that was true to anyone else. make no mistake about it, while some guys consider virgins a great conquest, other guys psyche themselves out about it.

i do have to give the guys i have been with credit - they had too much respect to just sleep with me, despite my honesty about no strings being attached. a number of people have said that i'm looking in the wrong place, but i do think the guys i have dated or casually fooled around with were gentleman - even guys with asshole reputations. none of them made me uncomfortable (except the cokehead) and if anything, i almost felt that they refused to sleep with me out of too much respect, which pissed me off at the time.

either way, thanks for all of the advice - if anything, this has shown me that there is absolutely no standard for virginity. you all have a million different stories with a million different results and i'm sure mine will be just as unique as all of yours. sounds stupid to say, but i guess i always saw sex as some club i could never get into, like i was always standing behind a velvet rope. while i don't think i could bring myself to lose my virginity to a one-night stand, you guys have helped me to put a bunch of things in perspective. thank you.

(also, thank you j.

that was a really sweet post and i'm glad there are guys like you still around.)

I was in a very similar situation, as were my three (attractive, urbane, wonderful) roommates. I didn't tell the guy until after it was over, and even then I only said anything because I couldn't really deny the evidence. I sort of regret not telling him first, but the truth is that my virginity wasn't meaningful to me and I didn't really want to make an issue out of it, for the same reasons as you. My point here is to reassure you that you're not some sort of freak, and that no guy who is freaked out by your virginity is worth pursuing. There are a lot of women in their 20s who haven't had sex, and a lot of guys who are too intimidated by the pressure of being "first." Especially if they're not sure they want to pursue anything further - despite the fact that we're not necessarily interested in that either.

And it is indeed a Catch-22. I went with honesty-- and it did initially freak out the guy I was dating, enough so that he broke things off for a week until we talked again and I was able to reassure him that I hadn't been molested as a kid (he'd wondered after I wouldn't go further the first time we made out), and wasn't expecting him to commit to a relationship just because he was my first. It made the experience far, far better to have everything "out in the open" (Honestly Cary, how on earth do you expect to make virginity _less shameful_ by encouraging people to be _more secretive_ about it?).

On the other hand, I don't know what I would have done if I were several years older and still having to deal with men freaking out at the information. I will echo the others and say that because my body had had years of experience with tampons and being fingered, the bleeding wasn't all that noticeable-- so I think it would have been possible to "get away" with not telling my partner. But I imagine it would be more painful if the guy doesn't know to be a bit gentler and slower with you. (As it was, because he was physically considerate, I just felt soreness rather than pain-- Despite his 8-inches...)

Anyway, hang in there. You're not an old maid, and you're not alone. Don't give up on honesty just yet, if that's something important to you. There are partners out there who understand-- or are willing to learn-- that late-life virgins aren't necessarily psycho stalkers who will bleed everywhere and cry hysterically and... whatever else it is that freaked-out men freak out about.

Best wishes in the meantime, Virginia.

PS-- Good luck to you too, J [I have a lot of empathy for late-life male-virgins-- my road was frustrating enough, and I know how much more of a stigma there is for you..]