Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I assume the letter writer is worried about the possible pain/blood, which would make it obvious to her partner that this was her first time. Do gynecologists still 'devirginise' on request? I'd certainly pay the ob/gyn doctor a visit anyway for a birth control prescription and general check-up. I think if she could get the pain out of the way in advance, then she could relax and get over the virigin hang-up.
I respectfully disagree with Cary. I think saying: "If it's not necessary to reveal your non-virginity, why is it necessary to reveal your virginity?" is a little disingenuous. In most sexual encounters, a degree of mutual disclosure about respective sexual histories tends to come up, and who is to fault Virgin in Virginia for being truthful about hers? Wouldn't it be worse to lie or try to fudge it and seem like you're concealing something worse? Sure, chronologically advanced virgins shouldn't be demonized, but unfortunately they often are. It is true that not mentioning this doesn't do any "real" damage, unlike covering up an STD or something. However, why start off any kind of relationship on a deception? Will Virgin in Virginia's partners believe her after that if she truthfully tells them that she won't be a psycho-stalker?
and maybe she shouldn't, given how much trouble it is apparently causing, but it is more than understandable why she would want to, both so she can get some extra consideration (which is reasonable), and because if he doesn't know then she will have to explain, or even worse not explain, why she doesn't know what is going on, why she is so uncomfortable, why she can't do anything, etc. etc. Sure, maybe none of this will be an issue, but why expect or assume that complete lack of familiarity with what is going on won't be noticed. He may begin to suspect at some point what she hasn't told him and wonder why, when he asks about it in the middle of things would that be easier than bringing it up beforehand?
I lost my virginity at 27 to the first person I lied to about it. I don't normally condone lying in a relationship, but this one somehow just ends up being necessary after a certain point.
And yeah, you'll want to be de-hymened first.
I grew up in a conservative, religious household, and until I was 25, I'd only had oral sex. (Because, you know, it's not really sex.) By the time I was 25 I'd shed most of my religious upbringing and just really wanted to get laid. So I met a guy at a bar one night, and I did. Didn't tell him I'd never had vaginal intercourse, and he didn't ask. I did tell him it had been awhile since I'd had sex. We dated for a little while, and he never said anything about my lack of skill in the bedroom. Based upon my experience, I'd suggest a one-night stand with a guy you judge to be kind. Generally, men in that circumstance are just happy to be having sex.
Why tell a guy that you're a virgin before you sleep with him? It's basic politeness to warn someone that while yes, you want to have sex with them, you may be about to bleed all over their bed.
How about finding a virgin to have sex with? It may be a little clumsier, but both parties would be more understanding of any clumsiness, too.
Am I missing something here? I thought deflowering a young virgin was a turn on for heterosexual males.
I have a similar problem from the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm in my late 40's, haven't had a sexual partner in over 10 years, I came out as lesbian quite awhile back, and I can't get a date or a bed partner, either. Not even in San Francisco. I am just as clueless as the letter writer as to why I can't get laid or why nobody's interested in me, but my guesses have been:
-- not enough sexual experience with another woman -- many w4w ads specify "experienced" lesbians only
-- much of the lesbian dating and social scene revolves around young, hip women in their 20s and 30s
-- I either make too much or too little money (I'm a health care professional)
-- I either have too much education (3 degrees, working on a 4th) or not the right kind (not an MD, PhD, JD), and am not in a high profile job (yet)
-- I have a personality disorder I am not aware of which repels potential lovers
-- my spinal deformity (scoliosis) is a turn-off (ie, Nutter museum quality curvature, I totally get the book Geek Love)
Please let me know how your dilemma resolves itself, dear. Hang in there. You have youth on your side. You will find someone worthy of you. Never underestimate the power of youth.
I respectfully disagree with Cary. I was 28 (!) when I lost my virginity after a history of guys I didn't want to sleep with or who didn't want to sleep with me. No religious issues at all -- I just hadn't connected with the right guy. I didn't have to be in love or even in deep like, but I did decide it was important to me, if I'd waited this long, to have him know the deal. I told him (well, about 30 seconds before the event, which perhaps is a good strategy to use to avoid freakouts, since they don't really care at that point) and it was really lovely and fun. Since sex is, after all, a shared experience, I felt that it was important that he knew exactly what we were sharing. I'd hold out for someone you're comfortable enough with to tell. Also, the pain is nonexistent for many women who have already had some kind of sexual activity.
My recommendation is that this young lady spend some quality time with a dildo before trying sex with a man -- just to be sure that whole "hymen issue" is out of the way. Also, it wouldn't hurt to read some normal porn (nothing too freaky at this point, to avoid confusion) so she'll have an idea of who does what to whom. Then, once she's got the basics down, it'll be time to do it with another person. And no need to explain that this is her first -- her partner likely won't know the difference.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
219 Democrats and one Republican join in favor of the legislation, which passed by a narrow margin
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Salon headlines in your mailbox
