Would the details of Cary's advice have been different if he'd been telling the writer how to start an affair? If the writer truly loves his family and doesn't wish to hurt or leave his wife, he shouldn't start sending these blatantly flirtatious signals to his coworker. Instead he should enjoy the friendship and whatever frisson he gets from her proximity. Exploring his "love" for his coworker will only end the relationship with his friend, his wife, or both.

sure, dude, take your dick out, maybe she wants to suck it. you just never know until you bare yourself to her, ya noe?

what a totally wasted opportunity to reinforce the truth of this situation and the most appropriate behavior. humans are social primates....our social networks are what feed our emotional health. nearly everyone in the world, when they work in close proximity with others for the majority of their waking hours at least 5 out of 7 days a week, is going to fall in love with "others"... and this may happen multiple times in the course of a life/career.

but see, in this writer's kind of circumstances you only get to fall in love and then vow to STAY with THAT person and build a life of love and dependance together ONE TIME. you don't destroy the lives and hearts of people you genuinely love and are committed to ~and who depend on you~ over the natural but TRANSIENT excitability of a few infatuation-inducing chemical signals in your brain!

I think I've figured it out; in a clever twist on the April Fool's Day tradition, Salon is inaugurating an annual Thanksgiving Eve contest in which regular columnists compete to give the worst possible "turkey" advice. The following morning, readers can then be thankful they didn't take it.

I am really looking forward to reading other staffers' contributions. Patrick Smith can write "Top Ten Terrorism Zingers for the Airport Security Line," Joe Conason can get political with "The Articulate W: Why George Bush Needs To Write His Own Speeches," and who knows, perhaps Salon has a firearms and explosives expert on staff who can rhapsodize about throwing sticks of dynamite onto a crackling fire.

I dunno, though. It's a tough act to follow. Conquer illicit attraction through FLIRTING? I think Cary hit this one out of the park.

I agree with the posters who say that Cary's advice is juvenile and that it trivializes both the letter writer's marriage and his feelings for his co-worker. Obviously, the writer has to decide what he wants. Taking him at his word, he wants to stay in his marriage. In that case, he can't have sex with his co-worker. Duh.

I don't believe that means he has to give up his feelings for and relationship with his co-worker, which is clearly very important to him. He feels more alive, etc. with her than with anyone (because they're not married, in part). So he needs to be clear with himself that he can't ever sleep with her, that he understands that this is something he wants but can't have. And doesn't really want to have, given the consequences, which is that he is likely to lose both the marriage and the friendship.

What he can do is love her. He can be intimate with her, in every way other than physically. He can show her how much she means to him--without ever saying so, if he thinks that to say "I love you" would be misunderstood.

I have had many such relationships, and they are very important to me. My wife knows and socializes with these women, and knows that I would never have sex with any of them.

Which doesn't mean I can't ever fantasize . . . .

I have been in this situation and I basically did what Cary Tennis advised. Nothing tragic happened. I did not ruin my marriage. I did not have an affair. And, I did not lose a dear friend. When the feelings became so strong I could not help but admit them to my friend, I did (after going through some of the "immature" flirtations that have been so harshly criticized by some of the other letter writers). The result was mostly embarassment (that was well deserved) and a much improved ability to put the feelings in perspective. What is love, if not embarrassing anyway. And, what person who has fallen in love with someone else does not act immmaturely? We glorify this behavior when it is socially acceptable (ever see a Diamond commercial on TV?), but it is the same behavior for the very same reasons even when it is not. In any event, as long as such feelings are bottled up, they can be a longing or a delusional "what if" for life. Let in the open, their danger and foolishness can become much more apparent. I suppose it is significant that I had a wonderful marriage and no desire for an affair at the time. It is also significant that my friend was in the same situation and did not share my feelings. I am not saying Cary Tennis' advice is right, just that it can be under the right circumstances.

This dude shouldn't mention how he feels. The problem with those feelings is that they will eventually fade regardless of the circumstances. They would still fade even if by some miracle he were to marry her.

Did he forget how he felt at one time with the woman he's married to now? It sounds like it and it also sounds like he's being terribly selfish about it. At least he's practicing some restraint and its just as well he stays silent, otherwise he'll just cause some long term damage for the sake of short term gain.

Cary Tennis is one of the smartest advice columnists today. Not because he gives good advice-- far from it-- but because he knows bad advice will get more of a reaction.

Here's my true tale of woe. I am married, happily so, with no kids. In February of 2004 I went online to find a penpal in the UK. I found her, a womnderful, sweet woman who was happily married in her own right with a lovely two year old to boot.

We hit it off perfectly and had a great platonic friendship online-- until that September, when we finally admitted maybe we had deeper feelings than we imagined. By November 2004 we were telling each other full-blown fantasies. The moral side of me made a half-hearted attempt to stop it, but the selfish side won out.

By April of 2005 we agreed to meet in New York, for five uninterrupted days of love and lust. We had the backdrop of one of the most romantic cities in the world behind us. Suffice it to say that we both surpassed each other's expectations and went so far as making plans to leave our spouses and start a new life.

But by August she realized what she'd be destroying-- a good man, a sound family and a small child who had no idea why her world was suddenly being torn apart. She broke it off with me, and I fought gamely until October to try to keep alive what was already dead.

She is now pregnant with her second child (no, it's NOT mine), due in June. Our friendship is dead. The love we felt was just too strong and we agreed we had to walk away from each other, forever. I wish to God I'd never allowed that Pandora's box to be opened.

For the rest of my life I'll be wondering "What if?" and "Why?" when I should just have let it never happen. I've come clean with my wife and we are in couples counseling. She may never forgive me, and I do not blame her a bit.

Is it truly better to have loved and lost? Try losing the great love of your life and talk to me then.