I thinnk it odd that Cary Tennis did not see if this fella would feel comfortable telling the WIFE he "LOVES" about this "LOVE" for his co-worker! Recommending Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends" might also have been a more responsible approach.

Good greif!

The writer of this letter should read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends. He's indulging, at least on his part, in what the marital therapy field recognizes as an Emotional Affair, which does, indeed constitute infidelity to his wife. Emotional Affairs develop more often than not into full-fledged Physical Affairs, bringing storms of misery and damage to all involved. An affair does involve, as in the writer's case, at least 4 adults, their children, their larger families, their friends, their community and particularly their workplace.

He's got to inform his wife of his feelings. He and she should read Glass's book together. It is the best work available on marital infidelity; it speaks to all sides of the betrayal.

Fox

Maybe the writer could instead pass his female friend a note at work! You know, "Do you like me? Check YES or NO."

Or, better yet, he could ask another coworker to determine if she likes him, and if she does, if she LIKES HIM LIKES HIM or just, you know, like, LIKES HIM.

Grow up, Tennis. Adults talk to their spouses in these situations. Kids in junior high school play "What if?".

Crushes happen. Loves happen. Honesty first. We can't control our feelings, but we can control our behavior, and admitting our feelings can help towards that goal if people can discuss them maturely.

If (and I stress IF) this guy needs to get it off his chest, he needs to start with his wife. Look her in the eye and admit these feelings for a coworker. And then swear to his wife, with everything he has got, that he will never do anything to hurt her. Tell his wife with absolute sincerity that he still loves her and he will not let their relationship be threatened by this.

Most reasonable people can understand and accept that crushes happens. He and his wife have known each other a long time - quite possibly, she can help him resolve the issue. Maybe his wife will want him to sever ties with the other woman. Maybe his wife won't feel threatened by the mere existence of feelings as long as the writer stays fidelitous, and he won't have to end the friendship. Maybe he'll even have room to talk to his coworker about those feelings. But this has to start with his wife if it starts anywhere; that's where his responsibilities lie. At the end of a mature discussion, he must respect his wife's needs in the matter.

If he can't talk to his wife about it, and he wants to preserve his marriage, it should end there. He should keep quiet to his coworker, and maintain the friendship only if he is 100% confident nothing more will come of it. If not, then he should remove himself from the situation or do whatever else is necessary to prevent damage to his marriage. Yes, denying a love (and I don't doubt that he does love his coworker) will suck, but frankly that's life.

Personally I prefer honesty over keeping silent. But talking to the coworker about it and NOT to his wife would be all kinds of wrong, headed straight into the danger zone. Especially talking by the flirty circuitous route Cary suggests. If he does talk to the coworker he should just be straightforward and honest about it - and make sure his commitment to his wife is up front and clear, so that he's not sending mixed signals.

(In RE. an earlier post: yes, there are people who successfully live polyamorous lives. But they survive it by being honest and open with everyone, starting with their primary commitments. In the extremely remote chance that that is an option for this guy, it would come out in the course of conversations with his wife. Even polyamorous people don't pursue a relationship with everyone they develop feelings for, only those that are safe and acceptable to the commitments they already have.)

Usually, Cary gives pretty good advice, but the whole idea of exploring your attraction to a co-worker when you don't intend to act on it is just dumb. If you don't want to get a haircut, don't hang out in the barbershop!

My goodness, I've never seen so much bad relationship advice. Let's see, you LOVE your wife deeply, wouldn't do anything to hurt her, don't want to leave her, but then decide to indulge (and given the above, it IS mere indulgence) in fantasies about what-ifs, or tell your wife how in love you are with another woman (gosh, THAT wouldn't hurt her!), and otherwise stoke what seems to quickly be turning into an affair - emotional affairs are also affairs.

If you're serious about staying with your wife, you love her and don't want to hurt her, LET IT GO. A little letting go is a good thing.

And regarding the "be honest and tell your wife" argument: Being honest with someone does not require one to be completely and ruthlessly honest in every single matter that comes between you, especially when the so-called honesty will most likely hurt the other person FOR NO GOOD REASON (you do want to stay with your wife, no?)

OF COURSE married people will develop crushes on friends and co-workers. Sometimes those crushes will develop into infatuate love (a transient state - your letter writer probably once felt the same way about his wife). But those of us who are married stood up in front of our family and friends and took vows of commitment to our spouses. Does that mean nothing to you Cary? How do you suppose your writer's wife would feel about your advice?

There are things in life that are really hard. It's hard to stay on a diet and exercise regimen, but that's what you have to do if you want to be healthy. It's hard to go to a boring job every day, but that's what you have to do to support your children. And it's really really hard to resist the allure of the other sexy, fascinating people out there, but that's what you do to have a lasting marriage.

My advice to your writer? Stay away from that women, break off the friendship, and talk to your wife. I know that it's about the hardest thing in the world to do, but you're an adult who has commitments to your family. You're not free to do whatever you like anymore, you gave that up when you married and took vows.

Lastly Cary, in addition to the self-indulgence that you encouraged, I'm shocked by your lack of concern for the writer's wife and children. He says he wouldn't think of leaving them now, but things change quickly in the insanity of infatuation. His family is vulnerable to the writer's fantasies. They depend on him. And after you decide to marry and bring children into the world, your family must take precedence over your romantic whimsies.