This past year, my then-boyfriend's new coworker fell head-over-heels in love with him. Disregarding advice similar to the kind dished out in today's letters, she confessed her love to him, tried to kiss him and then begged him to leave me. He told her afterwards that they could no longer socialize or be friends and that he did not return her feelings (which was true).

My ex-boyfriend was undoubtedly wrong for pursuing a close friendship with this girl in the first place, since there were signs that she had more-than-platonic intentions - but she also bears much of the blame for her selfishness towards everyone else involved. It was not right of her to display such an utter lack of respect for my then-boyfriend's relationship with me, or my relationship with him. By revealing his feelings, today's LW would not only be damaging his relationship with his wife; he would also be disrespecting his co-worker's husband and marriage. The co-worker is married - it should be automatically understood that she is committed to another relationship and that she has the right to continue that relationship free from third-party interference.

Let me start off by saying that my advice is to keep your mouth shut and get over it. "Playing with fire" in this case isn't just a cliche, it's a reality!

After having said that, it's not unreasonable to think about "Mr. Jump off a Cliff's" story. It worked out well for him, even though the chances were really remote and it caused a very big mess.

But if your priority is REALLY to your wife and kids, and if it's REALLY more important that your marriage stays together, and that your friend's marriage stays together, I don't see any real gain to getting this off your chest. To me, the choices are: (1) Keep your mouth shut and get over it. Or, (2) do What Mr. Jump off the Cliff did. But to do that, you first have to accept ALL of the consequences--most of which are bad. The potential is there for so much pain for several innocent people, all in tha name of getting something off your chest. The only "good" reason to let your feelings be known would be that they are reciprocated and acted upon. If you can't handle that, then keep your mouth shut! Also, keep in mind that there's more to this picure than we, or even Mr. "In Love with Too Many" are aware of at this point. There always is.

Finally, I think it's a healthy thing to have a few fantasies that you never act upon as long as you can keep your feelings and actions in check.

anonymous now in your 8th year of marriage with with the one you'd cheated with - i find it curious that you proclaim this as one of those rare successes. he did it with you, he'll do it to you as well. and you do deserve it. sorry!

I'm commenting not on the central issue of the inconvenient emotions; rather, I'm commenting on the disrespect for honesty from Cary Tennis.

She advises the man, if asked by the woman about his feelings, to 'deny'. To lie.

I think a respect for honesty is important. Certainly, there are times for diplomacy and discretion, but dishonesty is another matter.

Those emotions are an important issue. Lying about them seems to raise moral issues.

Some alternative answers he could give, besides telling the truth despite the effect it could have, include:

- if it came after he'd inquired about her feelings, he could say that it's not an appropriate topic, because even if he had feelings, only bad things seemed likely to result from discussing them, and to say he simply wanted to have a friendship - not because he didn't have more feelings, but because he felt that was the wisest course.

- if it came from her initiating the topic, or he wanted to be more discreet, he could simply say it was not a topic he felt was appropriate to discuss, to be very neutral, or he could ask her, what good could come from such a discussion and discuss it in that manner.

But flat out denying his feelings to her if she asks - well, I have a moral issue with the lying.

The poor guy does have a quandry, however, and it's possible his best answer is to cut off contact with the friend - time can help it fade.

I don't think I can say what the right answer is on the conflict between him to be honest with his wife - pushing him to tell her his feelings and let her help him get past it - and the conficting responsibility to try not to hurt her, if the situation can better be resolved, especially if his having the feelings could damage their marriage badly.

I would, again though, like to see advice columnists refrain from suggesting lying as the solution to problems.

With all due respect, I feel the advice you're getting here is not very good. You love of your co-worker is, at best, temporary. You may not be able to hear this since in the midst of it, this kind of romantic love can be overwhelming and make you obsessive. And you may think you're the one in a million situation where your romantic love will last for ever, but your not. The more you let your mind drift over to dreaming about your co-worker, the less loving you'll be toward your wife. You need to let go of this obsession, maybe consider leaving your job if necessary, if you want to save your marriage. The best think you can do right now is to invest deeply in your marriage. Spend time alone with you wife. Listen deeply to her. Take her places where the two of you can just be together. Consider counselling or therapy with her.

Your obsession with your worker might feel good, but it's the beginning of a no-win tragedy. Unless you want to bring a world of hurt onto yourself, your wife, your children, and others, you need to cut the obsession now.

If you truly feel that you do not love your wife and you could love this person at work, well pony up and be honest. Tell your wife what's going on and let this fall as they may. Here's a simply rule to consider living by. If you have to lie about it, chances are its not right.