I couldn't help being amused. My daughter recently took a college literature course on Arthurian legend, and one of the books she read for the course, from which she quoted to me at length and with great hilarity, was the Art of Courtly Love,

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0231073054/104-1602933-3708731?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance

to which the letter, Cary's response, and many of the comments bear an alarming resemblance.

They are both MARRIED. Perhaps the writer should sit down and discuss his feelings with his wife. He is robbing her and her relationship with him of energy and vitality by pursuing his dream girl. If he can't tell his wife that this other woman at work is wigging him out, he certainly won't tell her if he puts thoughts into action. He needs to work on communication skills at home, not work.

I sure wish my wife had told me of the other man at work pursuing her. Being the unsuspecting spouse on the outside of a threesome; well, words just can�t describe. It was just over a year ago that I discovered and put an end to their affair. Despite her arguments to the contrary, he was never her �friend�.

This writer is not looking for a friendship. He needs to grow up and get away from her.

I am not sure that a marriage needs to be preserved at all costs or that love with someone else than your married partner is an impossibility. The question seems to be, how rational you can be in your dealings with that hulk of an emotion: love. Cary presents one solution the poor guy can - maybe - work with. Maybe not. But do you truly believe someone deeply in love will not tell, one way or another?

Gah! Today's advice was wrong, wrong, wrong! The writer is MARRIED with CHILDREN. How he acts has a direct affect on his family. When you get married, there is an understanding that you will not do anything to harm the other person. When you have children, there is an understanding that you will not do anything to harm them. What good would divulging his crush do for his family? If the other woman feels the same way, it's leading him straight down the road of destroying his family. If she doesn't feel the same way, he's just jeopardized his work environment and lost a friend.

I've seen the other side of this with a friend. Her father developed a crush on a married co-worker, which quickly turned into a huge affair that lasted for well over a year before the family found out (the co-worker's husband called and informed the unsuspecting wife. Nice way to find out, huh?).

My friend has never looked at her father the same way since then. Every childhood memory of her parents together is completely ruined. It's also affected her own adult relationships with men.

If you still feel a need to get this off your chest, get a divorce first. End one relationship before pursuing another. It might not be the fun or easy thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.

I agree with those who say the suggested dialogue is inappropriate. It would be completely transparent, and serve no good end. The justification for this is to "explore" his "feelings"? The feelings seem pretty clear.

Why are we so often encouraged to be self-obsessed and self-indulgent? What happened to sacrifices for higher ends? I realize this situation is a small instance, but if we operate based on the primacy of the individual, our families, communities, and country will continue to fragment.

I was in this situation once. I couldn't conceive of either of us leaving our marriages. The burden of tearing our lives apart and hurting people we cared about was obviously too great and acting on my feelings was out of the question. One night, when we were both drunk in a bar after a work event, we kissed without any forethought or premediation. This led to an intense affair, the dissolution of both marriages, lots of agony and ecstacy and, against all odds, a happy marriage now eight years old with kids of our own. Divorcing seemed out of the question, now I wonder how I could have ever fooled myself into thinking I could ignore my feelings. Life would have been wretched. I think the odds that the average situation like this will have a happy ending are remote, but it worked for me. It depends on your tolerance for hurting people you love, but staying with someone when you are not faithful in your heart is hypocricy.

What about this man's loyalty to his wife? Beyond his vows to remain faithful, if he were to divulge to a woman to whom he is attracted that he is unhappy, unfulfilled, uninspired by his wife - simply to "explore" such feelings - he is really insulting and dishonoring his wife, and disregarding the privacy of their marriage. Discussing such things with a close friend just to get them off your chest is one thing; spilling all to a woman you "love" is completely different. If you are willing to tell all to another woman, but not to your wife, your loyalty is misplaced.

If, as you say, you can't imagine ever leaving your wife, then start telling yourself, "I will never be with this woman" until you actually believe it. Until you see the fruitlessness of this discussion. You need to stop socializing with this woman beyond what is necessary at work, and start spending time thinking about the woman you married.

concerning the current "since you asked"...

There was something you could have added. I thought the advice was interesting, as far as it went, if a bit byzantine.

Thing is, "falling in love" is a well-understood reproductive adaptation. The clinical literature on the topic is copious, and all says the same thing: Falling-in-love is NOT some spiritual awakening. It's a brain-chemical rush designed to keep a couple together long enough to raise offspring to the point where they can survive on their own.

It's really pathetic how few people understand this stuff. It'd save a lot of pain if they did.

In other words, falling-in-love is a simple physical adaptation. Of course, it often goes terribly wrong too. Nature made that chemical rush very powerful, to insure the survival of the species. Your advice might have included a suggestion to read up on the subject, including books by Rollo May, M. Scott Peck, and Erich Fromm, to name three of the hundreds of smart people who have explored the subject at length.

Falling in love is like getting a really bad case of the flu. Eventually it goes away..although it can leave scars; as most of us know.