You encourage the writer to indulge in fantasy and illusion and to what possible end? There is no healthy outcome here aside from, as you said, acting responsibly by recognizing that any interactions with this "beloved" co-worker can only be ultimately harmful. It is fine to be honest, but better to be honest with himself first; recognize that the original feelings of "love" are illusory. It becomes incredibly aggressive behavior toward his wife and family to indulge any further. If the outcome he knows and wants is to remain faithful to his wife, then he should do just that. His longings belong in a discussion with his wife, not his would-be lover. It is disingenuous to suggest he only longs for a more open friendship. He is heading down a pathway of gloom, dishonesty, and disruption. Back off, Jack! You need advice from someone else.

I am divorced because a wonderful married friend revealed his love for me. There were problems in my marriage, so maybe it's best that his admission gave the courage to leave. However, he never had an intent to leave his wife, so it was in some ways cruel for him to share his feelings for me.

Funny, I sent almost this same letter to Cary a few months ago and then chickened out. I just didn't want to hear what he would say. (I'm the woman in this situation, not the man.)

I didn't want to hear what a lot of you have said: Drop it, leave it, don't you care about your family? How can you be so selfish?

Sometimes, it ain't that simple. What if the inappropriate relationship you've developed is powerful, deep, intense, all-consuming, maybe the most significant love you've ever felt in your life? Then what? You still love your spouse and family, you'd never hurt them or leave them after all these years, but you can't just 'put away' the feelings you have for this other person.

Frankly I don't think dicussing it in the way Cary mentioned would really help, but I suppose its worth a shot. I'm at a loss to suggest anything that might help, nothing I've tried has worked. It is an exquisite pain though. At least you know you're alive.

I agree that exploring fantasies of alternate life paths sounds like a recepie for disaster. After all, this guy doesn't wish that he hadn't married his wife, had his children, etc.

What's wrong with saying, "I'm very happy with my life as it is (I'm not looking to have an affair or anything) but I think you're really great"? Life is short. It's quite possible to express love without being clingy or demanding something of the other person. Positive emotions should be let out, not suppressed.

A

While it may sound like a fun and easy way to broach the subject, do not put this into the realm of fantasy. That makes it too easy for the "what if" game to become the "why not" game.

If you want to explore those feelings, then do it. But don't hide behind this passive facade. Come out and tell her about your feelings. You don't even have to say the word "love". Just tell her she is a very special person, but that you will remain friends first and foremost. If she really has connected to you the way you have with her, she will not end the friendship. In fact, you both can probably move on from this awkward part to something better.

Just stay away from the "what if" game.

Wow - has Cary been smoking something lately? Or dropped out of therapy? This is the latest in a series of bad pieces of advice. What he has recommended here is for the man to act like a boy; in this case, I can tell you as a married woman that if the man takes the circuitous route Cary suggests, it will come off as flirting. And slightly lame, immature flirting at that. For this guy, bettter to be direct or keep his mouth shut.

Cary's advice maybe 2 weeks ago that suggested a father had every right to want his daughter basically out of his life once she was in college was too disturbing to even write in about...that man sounded deeply wounded and lacking in empathy. I was pained for his daughter, particularly upon reading that the dad seemed to think his feelings of coldness and disconnection toward his child were normal. Cary's validation of his standpoint and gift of talking points in how to convince the wife that it would be more romantic to be rid of the girl turned my stomach. The reply made me wonder about primary narcissism in Cary himself.

At my workplace the same groups of people would have coffee breaks and lunch together every day. We had a fluid group of anywhere from 4-10 people who would sit together. One married man, who had played in a band with my husband, and I struck up a continuing conversation about Buddhism. I was just exploring the concepts and found it fascinating. We never spoke of anything personal and were never alone. One day he came to my office and blurted out that he was in love with me and wanted to know what we were going to do about it. I was shocked and appalled and frankly felt violated. He continued to pursue me even though I made it clear that I did not return his feelings in any way and whatever he was going through was his own business and I didn't want to hear about it. I finally had to threaten him with a trip to Human Resources if he did not desist. I found out later that I was not the only woman he had pulled this particular trick with.

Work is work, not an encounter group. Keep it to yourself.

I've never written in when the advice has been wonderful, so I feel a bit bad only opening my mouth only to criticize. But this advice disturbed me on so many levels. Since when is it ever a good idea to resort to games where your feelings are concerned? This man is married and he should be encouraged to behave like a married man. A faithful married man, that is. Would he resort to the "what-if" game if his wife were sitting down with him and and his friend? Isn't that the cardinal rule if you're married - to behave the same way you would if your spouse were standing right in front of you? Anything else is a good indicator you're probably flirting. The conversation that Cary suggests is disrespectful to all involved, not to mention kind of juvenile.

The man says he loves his wife. Things can't be going well at home if so much energy is being drawn away from his marriage and channeled into this woman. Instead of investing his time on this fantasy chat with his friend, he should turn to his wife and examine his relationship, his needs, and a way to have his needs met within his relationship. Perhaps this little crisis comes as a catalyst for recognizing the necessity for some growth and improvement in his own marriage.

So my advice? Go home. Tell your wife. Try some marriage counseling. Maybe tell her in counseling. Of course she'll probably be incredibly hurt at first. But the fact that you shared this with her (as opposed to your friend) will ultimately show where your commitment lies. You can turn this situation around. Good luck!