No, no, NO! The guy should say NOTHING if he wants to (a) maintain a smooth professional existence, (b) continue to work comfortably with the woman, (c) continue being friends with the woman, and/or (d) stay out of trouble with his wife.

If he simply MUST get the thing off his chest--and let's be honest here, this is *at best* something he wants to do to relieve his own frustration; at worst, he's not being honest with himself and he wants to go fishing because he wants to catch a fish--he should go confide in another female friend with whom he does not work and is not in love. Women are really good at analyzing the life out of such situations. And then he will be exhausted and done with it.

He should also make a very concerted effort to distance himself professionally, since there's no point in making a mess of his job or workplace environment in addition to his personal life if he's having trouble keeping his head.

Chances are very, very high she's picked up on some sort of vibe as it is. Sensing where the interpersonal minefields are and what you need to be careful of is just part of being a working woman. If she hasn't found a way to address the subject even indirectly, it's because she likes things the way they are, really, really doesn't want them to change in any way, and is trusting him to be understand that.

Trust is the key word. Honor it.

Any woman with two brain cells to rub together would see through those very obvious "playful" questions. I have a married male co-worker who has a crush on me which I politely pretend I don't notice. He thinks we're the best of friends. I think that unless he does something overt about his crush, it's harmless and I can continue to joke with him and keep our working relationship friendly and smooth. If he were to come out and tell me he had feelings for me at all, I would be INCREDIBLY uncomfortable and would consider speaking to our supervisor about it. Putting the issue of their spouses aside, these people work together. Yes, I know that co-workers hook up all the time, but what percentage of those relationships really work out with all parties happy? This guy is not only putting his marriage at risk with some asinine version of truth or dare, but he is also putting his career at risk. He should try discussing his road not taken with a counsellor, not a married female co-worker who has never expressed romantic feelings for him before.

All the letter writers who advocate for the guy to come out with his feelings are men. As one guy put it, "It helped ME gain closure." What about the lady in question? Did it do anything positive for her? Apparently that's irrelevant.

The letter writers who are against the idea are all women. This might just be because most of us have at some point spent time "politely ignoring" the excess attentions of men to whom we may or may not really feel close on the theory that it's harmless unless we're actually forced to deal with it. Doesn't mean we don't know it's there, or that we really want to deal with it.

I usually nod my head and sometimes agree out loud as I read your responses to peoples' questions.

However, today you missed the mark by a mile.

This guy is telling you HIS side of the story. I'm betting that the woman that's on the other side of this thinks that this guy is sappy but nice. And that's it.

What you're telling him to do has a two-word description: sexual harrassment. A conversation along the lines of what you suggest is COMPLETELY out of line in the work environment. It is also likely to destroy any level of at-work friendship that they do enjoy.

This guy needs to get some counseling to figure out why this woman is so much more interesting to him than his wife. I suspect boredom and the thrill of what you cannot have. But if he loves his wife, he needs to spend some time making sure there's sizzle in that relationship. Mooning after a co-worker is not going to stoke the home fires.

First of all, the woman at work almost certaintly knows what is going on. No man is going to get worked up enough about this crush -- to the point of contacting Cary as well as developing all kinds of fantasies -- without doing more than a little to make it clear.

Secondly, this is not the 1950s. Keep your sexual-romantic fantasies to the barroom not the boardroom. Cary, I very often agree with you, but this time you are way off base.

Thirdly, this guy is on track to wrecking his marriage. These kinds of things are never games, they are never playful. They are serious. This guy needs to figure out if he really does love his wife, and if he does needs to realize that he is going to have to work at his marriage to make it succeed -- and yes, that includes not trying to have a parallel life with this coworker.

As many other posters have pointed out, the woman almost certainly is already aware. I've been there, just barely humoring him hoping that in time it will blow over without my having to make a gigantic deal of it and make my workplace miserable for myself and others involved.

In all likelihood, if he just stays as far away from her as possible, outside the reach of her bewitching pheromones, before too long he'll "snap out of it." The good news is that it doesn't take much of a separation to clear the mind. The bad news is that it takes an enormous amount of discipline to initiate the separation.

Well, I think I must respectfully disagree here. Though I have such faith in Cary, that I am open to the possibility that I may be wrong. I agree that it is normal for people to wonder "what if". But should this man really approach this woman at this point? I think maybe its more important for him to question what he hopes to gain from talking to this woman. If he is really interested in being faithful to his wife as he claims (and more importantly, faithful to himself and his own decision to be faithful to his wife) then he should question his motives and try to understand them first and foremost rather than approaching this woman first and foremost. Don't "shoot first and ask questions later as it were".

Although, perhaps where Cary is coming from is the following: Maybe what Cary is saying is that this man is expressing a need for validation, and all he is doing at the moment is exploring it. Is he by doing this really being unfaithful would be the question.

I think really these questions are far too complex to be asked in a few paragraphs nor to have answers expressed in a few paragraphs!

eric