Letters to the Editor
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stop putting all your sincerity, love, and imagination into a fantasy than into your marriage!
I am horrified that Cary encourage you to discuss "what ifs" with the object of your crush, even suggesting she's your ideal woman! That is NO NO talk for married people! That is intimate flirtatious talk that is feeling out the way for an affair. It is totally inappropriate for a married man. If you want to talk like that to a woman who is not your wife, do the right thing and end your marriage before getting a girlfriend. Clean up your act at home before you start flirting with your future girlfriend.
You decide IF you want to be married to your current wife. IF so, go home and stop taking her for granted, stop flirting with a co-worker, stop putting more time, effort, sincerity, love, and imagination into a fantasy than into your marriage.
If you decide you don't want to be married to your wife, then do the right thing, clean up your act at home and stop leading her on, give her a chance to be with someone who loves her and won't cheat on her in his heart, head, or groin.
If a woman said those things Cary wrote to my husband, I'd consider her on the move and make him stop. All that "what if we were together" talk is step one to an affair. If you do not stop that is there you 2 will go, with all the destruction that brings.
If you love your wife and want to be married, put all this love, fantasizing, and lust into that marriage. Do it right or don't do it at all.
But make no mistake about it, what you are doing and what Cary suggested WILL lead to an affair.
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Say, what???
Cary, your column is almost always amazingly insightful and always downright interesting, which is saying a lot. But, this time, I think you need to rethink your advice. As some other letters above have said, engaging in romantic fantasy and intimate friendship with someone who is not your spouse is a recipe for marital disaster.
It is not uncommon to have dreams of "what if" in your life, but those dreams are often the first step along the path to changing your life. If you are dreaming about a new house, a move, a new career- then, great, more power to you. These kinds of fantasies are worth investigating. Follow your bliss and all that...
But marriage takes commitment and work. It takes struggle through the bad times as well as holding onto the good. And it is well nigh impossible to give any marriage the investment it deserves if you are siphoning off libidinous emotional energy into another relationship. Matrimony only works well if it is a monogamy. And that means in your heart and soul, as well is in your body.
I agree with those who say that first, if you are unhappy in your marriage, you should settle that relationship. Either do what you can to repair the marriage, or be a man and face the music and leave. I think it's the coward's way out to hold onto your wife as a security blanket while you seek adventure elsewhere.
You can not possibly give either relationship its due if you split your affections between your spouse and another. Almost always, you end up betraying three people in such situations- your spouse, your amorata, and your self. And, in this case, children were involved. Which means that you risk destroying their worlds, too.
Cary, I find this article concerning two married people who have children surprising, given your extreme rejection of the man's behvaior who is in love with a prostitute. Sure, prostitution is really seedy and it is very unlikely to be love on both sides with a call girl. But at least only one family would be destroyed in that case, and not two.
In the end, you need to start off fresh and with a clean slate if you plan on allowing someone new to enter your romantic life. If you have no intentions of ever acting on your fantasy, then it is best not to pursue it.
I recommend deep soul-searching about why you are having these fantasies in the first place. Maybe something is missing in your life. Maybe it isn't even your wife. Maybe you just want a little variety. Or maybe you are unsatisfied with other aspects of your existence, and excitement over someone outside your marriage helps you to fill the void.
Whatever the reason, you have a responsibility to all concerned to figure out what's happening with you and why. Only then can you take steps to repair your life. Losing yourself emotionally in what could very possibly turn into an adulterous affair is not the answer. And pursuing your fantasies overtly with the subject of your desires- that's just playing Russian roulette with your life.