Letters to the Editor
-
Im in love with my co-worker
I would like to see how this one turns out. It may be stereotypical but, I think women generally tend to be very perceptive when a man has strong feelings about them. They tend to know that you love them but are too afraid to act on it. I thik he should tell this woman how he feels. It may open another can of worms but, being in love with someone does entail risk. I am not advocating that he disrupt his life and the lives of his wife and children. In my own life I have know women who I could have fallen in love with, married and had children but for some reason this was not to be. I have not been afraid to give voice to my feelings. This has helped me put closure on the situation. We can't have everything we want. Such is life and we can't always control who we fall in love with.
-
Polyamory
I think your answer is a good conventional one, but I can't let it pass without comment. Polyamory is a lifestyle in which people accept that you can be honestly in love with more than one person at a time, be open with all parties about it and enhance the life and love of everyone involved. I've experienced this myself and a googling polyamory will provide many resources, such as http://www.polyamory.org.
Polyamory is not really about sex, like swinging. It is about romantic love for more than one adult simultaneously.
We've all been raised with the idea that romantic love is a limited quantity, so any that you give to one person cannot be given to another. I think that is dead wrong. Just as you can love more than one child without diminishing the love for any, loving more than one adult does not diminish the love for each.
Of course since none of the people involved are likely to have even heard the term, let alone thought that it made sense, just blithely saying "it looks like you're polyamorous" doesn't really solve the problem. But after going though the good points you made -- I particularly like noting the shock of misunderstanding the nature of the relationship -- it seems to me that it would be worth at least mentioning polyamory.
-Steve
-
In love with another woman
I think talking sbout this issue with the other woman is playing with fire as far as his marriage and kids are concerned. The writer should seek to limit this friendship, not expand it with "playful" conversations. I can understand that he can have feelings for another woman and still love his wife, but if he loves the wife (and kids) he will do whatever is necessary to protect the marriage from a tempting situation. If he's smart, he will minimize contact with the coworker, and might best consider changing departments or even jobs.
-
bull shit
Sometimes in the midst of the glorious experience that is being in love, we forget how complicated love can be. However, marriage is fairly straightforward: either you are or you aren't. It seems to me that crossing the line even tentatively with another woman would be completely dishonest when the potential line-crossers are married to other people. Similarly, it seems a bit late and even deceptive to introduce polyamory into the situation now. (I was monogamous when I married you, honey, but now I've changed my mind. Bummer for you and the kids!) These feelings will fade with time, but why wait that long when they're causing such a distraction? The wisest course would be to get away from the person who is exciting the love-hormones so, and to get over it. It seems that he already knows that this, too, could have been otherwise. There is no need to further discuss a subject that will surely lead to pain on somebody's part.
-
Cary, Cary, Cary...
There is absolutely no reason in the world this guy needs to explore those feelings with this woman. If I were dispensing the advice, I'd say, "Keep it to yourself, buddy." All this can do is lead to disaster. Nobody has any intention of ruining their relationships when these things start, but nine times out of ten they WILL if they pursue this self-serving route.
Don't do it, my friend. You're fooling yourself if you think you have no intention of wrecking what you have. See? It's there, isn't it? The fantasy that you can leave and find true love, or at least have a great affair.
Stop.
-
Carew, not Austen
If you are a fan of Jane Austen's tepid novels, then Cary's advice will no doubt work for you, and you will appreciate the so-called "balm of friendship". But if your clandestine love is as passionate and inwardly consuming as you maintain, then it's best to come out with it, rather than playing hypothetical games which tend to belittle all you feel. Certainly, you'll be in torment if she rejects you outright. But that torment won't last.- It's part of the psyche's self-defence mechanism that such things don't.- Once you're in love, a friendship will only make your torture more and more unbearable. In the words of Cavalier poet Thomas Carew:
Give me love or more disdain.
The frigid or the torrid zone
Brings equal ease unto my pain
The temperate affords me none.
-
I'm confused
Are you advocating this poor man use a "stealth" approach to determine whether the co-worker he is in love with has any feelings for him before he acknowledges any of his own?
What good is it going to do him, his wife, or his co-worker for him to acknowledge such feelings to her?
You mentioned that it will be best for him to find out her feelings before "acting" on any of his own.
How are you advising that he act? If he declares his love for her, and she acknowledges some love for him, and the two are married to other people, this is just not going to end well.
Perhaps this man should explore WHY he is having such strong feelings toward another woman at this time. What is life like at home? Is he feeling disconnected there? Turning so much energy toward a coworker is not going to do his marriage any good.