My instinct is to stay away from Dad.

But if you really want to contact him, there's a way. You can send a letter. Or a card. A real, physical piece of paper he can touch, and put at his bedside to show he's not completely alone. And you don't have to provide a return address.

You're not alone! Lots of people have similar situations, unfortunately.

People in al-anon can be with you, listen to you, and help as you "process" your feelings. Many of us have been down roads like yours. Remember, you didn't cause your dad's problems!

Be strong!

I have a similar relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. As cold and heartless as it sounds, at the end of the day he's responsible for what he has in his life and it's times like this where he gets to examine his results so far and make the decision whether or not to make some changes. Rushing to his side won't help him or you. It will only reinforce his poor behavior.

If you do, you're only enabling his (poor) behavior.

I'd send a card or letter, telling him what you've told Cary here. At least that way, he'll know you are thinking about him, but are not happy with the way he's treated you (and your family) over the years. Perhaps if he survives, he'll change his ways.

How will you feel if you don't go and he does not survive? Guilty? How will you feel if you go and he survives? Pretty lousy I would think. Personally, I'd only go visit him if you are willing to stand your ground and tell him how you feel.

Just my 2 cents.

:plink:plink

If your father is seriously ill (and you have independent reason to think so, not just something whose source traces back to him), go see your father. You do not have to give him your address, you do not have to give him your number, he does not need to know how successful you've become.

He sounds like a very bad person in many ways. From your description, he sounds like he has a soul somewhere in there, and is not a purely evil manipulator, but that he is also deeply screwed up. We owe our parents � even horrible parents ��something, just as parents owe their children � even horrible children � something. Not a lot, not money, or love, or even very much of our time, but something. I think, as Cary notes, you realize yourself deep inside that this visit may be one of the few things you owe.

It sounds crazy to say that, given how he's behaved, but debt is not always a rational thing or a fair thing.

Protect yourself. But go.

I realize you had difficulties with your father while you were growing up: he made mistakes, and then you and he both reacted punitively-- you ran away and later attempted suicide, and he responded badly by laughing and making the hurtful parental judgment that you would never amount to anything. You have refused to have contact with him for most of the past eight years. You obviously have not forgiven him. Why bother to see your father now?

Diabetes is a terrible disease (I know.) It often leads to blindness, amputation, stroke, kidney failure and heart disease. Even the minor side effects are extremely unpleasant. The doctors will try to control your father's blood sugar level with insulin and drugs, but their effect can be offset by stress-- say the stress of a hospital visit by a cold, unloving and unforgiving child.

Please examine your heart. Try to forgive your father. then contact him. If you cannot forgive, leave him alone. You have obviously received many good things in your life. Remember, if you are ever asked to choose your final gift, and you are to choose between Justice and Mercy, choose Mercy.

I had little knowledge of my father from my childhood, and what there was was not good. Alcoholism, neglect abuse, and just plain red-neck ignorance and hate of others were all part of my experience of him during my short amount of time with him.

I had a huge amount of anger toward him and chose not to see him after I was 9 years old.

There were years when I wondered whether I should see him and re-evaluate through an adults eyes, this "monster" of my youth who had such a pervasive effect on the way I see my world, and the people in it. In my youth, I thought I could simply choose to "leave him out" of my life. Now, I realize that his physical absence ( even though I chose it) only made the emotional presence that much more powerful and damaging to me.

I recently learned that he died in 1985,at the age of 66, several years after the birth of my first child, and much later than I would have guessed due to his health. I can no longer resolve my situation. I can only acknowledge that I handled it poorly, and now in retrospect see how that reverberated in many areas of my life, and the lives of my other family members and my offspring.

There has been a pattern of family members "cutting off" communication when they get to a problem that they have no tools to resolve. This pattern alone has caused much harm, and unnecessary disconnection between entire family groups in my extended family. We have all lost a great deal, due to our lack of social skills to help us get through the difficult times and situations.

I encourage you to get the skills you may need to deal with meeting your father. Then go meet him. The ball is in his court, to meet you at a fair and adult conversation. You can guide the conversation (with your new tools) into a fair interaction. You are the one with the most to gain, and the best chance for the gain is if you do meet him with strong social skills.

He may surprise you and not appear through adult eyes, quite the "monster" he did through the eyes of a child. He may even be grateful for the opportunity to have the conversation guided into a more fair form, in order to communicate with you.

Pity for him is only a miniscule issue. The energy drain of ignoring such a part of yourself is an ongoing and increasing deficit. The social skills and negotiation techniques and experience you use in dealing with him, can be of great benefit to you in many other areas of life. You and your life have much more to gain by meeting him, than by ignoring him.

Arm yourself--then go visit, for your own sake.